jokes for yer big brain

What was Captain Kirk’s alma mater before he went to Starfleet Academy?







aTm—he gave it away when he engaged in inter-species sex.
 
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Do you know what a dyslexic, anorexic, agnostic, insomniac does late at night?

They lay in bed, awake, hungry, and wondering if there really is a dog.
 
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A skunk, deer and a giraffe walk into a bar to have a few drinks. After a few rounds, the waiter bring the tab and puts it on their table.

The skunk pics it up, looks at it, then hands it to the deer saying "I can't pay this. I don't have a scent on me"

The deer takes the tab and passing it to the giraffe says, "I can't pay. I don't have any doe."

The giraffe picks up the tab and says, "Well, guys. It looks like the high balls are on me."
 
Children's Books You'll Never See On The Shelf

"How to Dissect a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

"Pat the Bunny, then Use the Purell"

"These are Mommy's Happy Pills"

"You Were an Accident"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"We're Poor Because We Had You"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"Dad's New Wife Robert"

"Curious George Stays Put"

"Charlotte's Web of Lies & Deceit"

"Charlie and the Third World Nike Factory"

"Alice's Adventures in Caesar's Palace"

"Ali Baba and the 1,000 Arab Stereotypes"

"Babar, the Ivory Coat Rack"

"Kermit the Frog and the Hot Skillet of Foaming Butter"

"The Little Train Who Couldn't, But It's Okay Because It Happens to Every Train Once in A While"

"Puce in Boots"

"Little Red in Da Hood"

"Snow White and the Seven Intoxicated Mexicans"

"Hansel and Gretel and Hansel's Special Friend Sven"

"Harriet the Stalker"

"Larry the Leper Needs a Hand"

"Ninety-Nine Horny Blue Men in Tight White Pants: Smurfette's Confessions"

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup"

"The Preschool of Dr. Moreau"

"Nancy Drew and the Mysterious Case of Recurring Crabs"

"Journey to the Centre of Birmingham"

"Richard Scarry's Busiest Taxidermist Ever"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"All Daddy Wants for Christmas is For You to Shut the Hell Up"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Your Nightmares Are Real"

"Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"

"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Playing with Fire Can be Fun!"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say 'God Did It'"

"You're Why Mommy's Fat"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"The Famous Five get ASBO's"

"Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share"

"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"All Cats Go to Hell"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"

"Grandpa Gets a Casket"

"How to Get the Childproof Cap Off your Brother's ADD Pills"

"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
 
The 3 lies all aggies tell.

"I won this belt buckle at the rodeo."
"I paid cash for that dually.'
"I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
 
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Shortly after getting his diploma, an aggy told a group of his friends that, as much as it pains him, he is going to have to sue his alma mater for all of his time and costs as he was rooked by the school on his field of study. "Why is that," he was asked?

"Well," he said, "I now have a degree in Meteorology and while it was interesting study, thinking back on it all we did was sit around and talk about the weather; never once in all those classes did anyone even mention meteors, much less give us instruction on them! I've been screwed!!!"
 
An aggy walks into Home Depot and tells a salesman he needs a chainsaw. "I got a lotta firewood to cut and my brother-in-law told me this would make it easier." After looking at a number of options, the aggy picked one he liked and took it home.

A week later he brings the chainsaw back to Home Depot. "I want my money back," he told the salesman. "This dang thing didn't make cuttin' all that wood easier. In fact, it made it harder."

"I don't understand," said the salesman as he fired up the saw to see if it was running properly. "What's that noise?" asked the aggy.
 
"Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." "Texas A&M is a program on the rise." year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, since 1939.
 
A bruised boy was brought before a judge so he could be put in a proper home. The judge said "Since you parents beat you, I will send you to your Uncle and Aunt." The boy said "No, they beat me too." The judge said "How about your grandparents?" "No, they also beat me." The judge thought for a moment and then made a decision. "I will put you in the custody of the Aggy Football team in College Station." When asked why? The Judge said "Because they never beat anybody!".
 
An Aggie met a girl and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. The day after their wedding, the Aggie went to play golf. He told his wife that he hoped she didn’t mind him coming home late; he was a golfer and he liked to play until dark. The wife replied that she was a hooker and she would be home late also.
 
A fifteen year old girl and her mother are having a talk. The girl asks her mother, "Mom, can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

Her mother's reply was, "Yes you can. Where do you think Aggies come from?"
 
An aggie engineering student was so relieved to get a summer internship he didn’t care that he would be painting highway stripes for the DOT. The first day, he painted 10 miles of stripes. The foreman was impressed. His second day on the job, the aggie only painted two miles of stripes. Since he had done so well his first day, the foreman decided to excuse his lack-luster performance. The third day, the aggie only painted one mile worth of stripes. The foreman thought this was inexcusable and asked the aggie, “What’s the deal? Your first day you did so well. The second day was not so good. Today, you did less work than I did.” The frustrated aggie replied, “I’m sorry boss, the bucket just keeps getting farther and farther away!”
 
Three pregnant women are waiting at the obstetrician’s office. As they chatted, one woman said, “I’m having a boy because my husband was on top.”

The second woman said, “I’m having a girl because I was on top.”

The third woman, a graduate of Texas A&M, started crying. “I’m having puppies!”
 
Did you hear about the aggy that always apologized to his guests?

He was sorry but he didn't have any ice.

Claimed he lost the recipe!
 
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Two Aggies were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night trying to consummate their marriage. The man being inexperienced fumbled for hours until his wife cried “take that thing you play with and put it where I pee.”

So he grabbed his bowling ball and stuck it in the sink.
 
There was an Aggie football player that couldn't pass his math class. Since he was failing his class, he would not be allowed to play in any more games. The coach asked the player why he couldn't pass the test and he said he liked to perform under pressure and that it would help if he could take the test in the football stadium in front of a bunch of fans. The coach talked the professor into giving him another chance to take the test and the professor agreed.

So the next day, 50,000 aggie football fans filed into the stadium to help cheer the star football player on. He sat at the 50 yd line and opened the test up as everyone cheered his name. The first test question read

1. 2 + 2 =

The football player thought and thought and thought for what seemed like 10 minutes as the fans waited in silence. He finally wrote down his answer..... 4

At that time, all 50,000 aggie fans yelled in unison " GIVE HIM ONE MORE CHANCE!!!!"
 
Arkansas, LSU, and ATM were all assigned to find out why the peener had a head. Arkansas came back with the results and said "it's to give the female more pleasure". LSU came back and said "it's to give the male more pleasure." A while later ATM came back with the response "it's to keep your hand from slipping off and hitting you in the face."
 
A Sooner goes into the nursery, comes out 15 minutes later and says "I couldn't find my baby".

An Aggie goes into the nursery, comes out 15 minutes later and says "I couldn't find my baby".

A Longhorn goes into the nursery, comes out 5 minutes later with all three babies. "It was easy, I just went in there and yelled as loud as I could, "HOOK "EM HORNS"!!! My baby jumped up, and threw the Hook 'Em sign up, the Sooner **** on the floor and the Aggie played in it".
 
A sports writer went into the locker room after an aggy game and noticed on the bottom of their shoes the were the letters TGIF. The sports writer asked the coach if those letters TGIF stand for "Thank Goodness It's Friday."

The coach's said, "No, it stands for "Toes Go In First."
 
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A beautiful young woman was having trouble with men. They would take her out on a date, bring her home early, walk her to her front door then leave quickly. She went to see here doctor and explained the situation. "Men take me out, but bring me home early. And none of them kiss me good night, ask to come in, or anything and they never call and ask for a second date. thee must be something wrong with me." she explained close to tears.

"Well," said the doctor, "Let's check you out. Please undress and lay down on the examination table. My nurse will help you."

The doctor check her out from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Afterward, he told her to put her close on and come in to his office.

When she sat down the doctor told her. "Well, I think I know what the problem is."

"What is it?" She asked.

"You, young lady, have a very bad case of the zacklies." said the doctor.

"Oh my!" the young woman exclaimed, "It sound really bad. What are the zacklies?"

The doctor looked at her and said, "Well, Miss. Your mouth smells zackly like your ***."
 
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