jokes for yer big brain

Aggy Scientists announced at a press conference that they would launch a rocket from the aggy campus for a mission to land on the sun.

One of the Reporters was quick to point out, "that's impossible! You'll burn up!"

The lead aggy scientist shook his head and responded, "No we won't! We're going at night."
 
One duck hunting season, an aggy decided it was time for his young son to learn how to duck hunt. "Com' on son. I'm takin' you down to the river and learn you how to duck hunt." The boy was excited to finally be included.

Down by the river, the aggy picked a spot where the cattails and reeds had grown thick on the bank, so he and the boy sat down and waited. Soon, two duck landed in the water not more than six feet from them. The aggy whispered to the boy, "Watch me boy and I'll show you how it's done."

The aggy jumped up and fired at the ducks, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! When he emptied his shotgunn, the two ducks flapped their wings and flew away. The aggy and his son stood up and watched them fly up and across the river, disappearing over the trees.

The aggy looked down at the boy who was had a puzzled look as he stared at his aggy father. The aggy quickly removed his hat, held it over his heart and bowed his head.

"What are you doing daddy?" the boy asked.

"Praisin' the Lord son" he said, "'cause you done seen a miracle!"

"How so, daddy?" Inquired the boy.

"Because you just saw them two dead ducks get up, come back to life, and fly away!" answered the aggy.
 
I hear Houston's finally diversified its economy from an oil and gas economy ...













To a gas and oil economy.
 
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LBJ to Jackie shortly after JFK's assassination:

"So Mrs Kennedy, other than THAT, how did you enjoy your trip to Dallas?"




Boooooooooooooooooooo!
Boooooooooooooooooooo!
Hissssssssssssssssssssss!

Yeah, I know...
 
Joe: "Donny's wife is hot. "

Bill: "You've got to be kidding me. The only time Donny's wife is hot is when the air conditioner breaks."
 
1984 Walter Mondale campaign swings into Texas.

Mondale to Bentsen: "Surely we can rely on the unions to get out the vote for me here in Texas."

Bentsen: "You're in Texas, Fritz. The only unions with any power or say down here are Union Carbide, Union Oil,* and Union Pacific."




*aka UNOCAL/76
 
A guy was feeling poorly, so he went to the doctor. The doctor ran several tests, then consulted with his patient.

“The test results are in and I’m afraid it’s bad news. Unfortunately you only have 6 months to live,” the doctor said.

“Well...hell.” said the man.

The doctor then asked, “what do you plan to do with your time?”

“Well, doc,” the man replied, “I’m gonna marry the ugliest woman I can find then move to Oklahoma.”

“That won’t extend your remaining days in this life,” the puzzled doctor pointed out.

“Yeah, I know that, doc,” the man answered, “but each day is gonna seem like a year!”
 
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you've got to help me - I'm having a terrible problem with short-term memory."
The doc says, "Have a seat and we'll discuss - how long have you had this problem?"
Guy says "What problem?"
 
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Two guys are going to play golf. As they drive along to the golf course, they see a funeral procession coming toward. The driver pulls over to the side of the road, exits the car, takes his hat off, and watches as the procession slowly drives by.

When the procession is over, the driver gets back in the car and they continue toward the golf course.

The Passenger says to him, "That was a really nice gesture of respect you did back there. I've never seen someone do that before."

The Driver responded, "Well, it was the least I could do. After all, she was a very good wife."
 
Back when Bill Clinton was POTUS, he took a short vacation trip to Arkansas. Upon his return, Air Force One landed at Andrews. A Sergeant met POTUS at the ramp and noted that Bill was carrying two razorback hogs, one under each arm.
The sergeant saluted and said, "Welcome back, Mr. President. What's with the two pigs?"
Bill said, "These are genuine Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
The sergeant replied, "Great trade!"
 
So a man builds a new house in the suburbs and hires a lawn company that has an aggy yard crew to lay new sod on his lot. Later in the morning his wife asks how is the yard crew progressing laying the sod?

He: TERRIBLE!

She: Why?

He: Because, I keep having to go outside and yell, green side up, green side up!!!
 
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During their last year in the White House, the Obamas decided to throw a big Halloween costume party. They rented a two-person horse costume - Michelle was the horse's head, Barack was himself.
 
So this aggy student has struggled for almost 10 years to graduate. The wise adminstration recognizes this and decides if he can answer one question during halftime of the next football game he will graduate.

So the day comes, he is escorted to midfield to a man with a microphone to the PA system. Man says OK Bubba, if you can answer this question you will graduate!

Man says: What is 3 + 3 ?

Student pauses & says: 6 !

Crowd groans.... and chants: GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE !!!
 
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Obviously it is a slow Monday at the office for me...

So Chuck Norris snuck up on an enemy camp at night. He approached a tent, pulled the pin on the grenade and threw it in the tent immediately killing over 50 men... then the grenade blew up!!
 
How do you know the new neighbor lady is from Dallas?

She puts on make up, high heels, and a fur coat to walk out to the mailbox and get her mail.
 
Scientists now have proof that Earth has been visited by aliens from another solar system. The aliens discovered Earth on their high-powered telescopes and determined the presence of oxygen in the atmosphere and water on the surface of Earth. They theorized that Earth might be capable of supporting intelligent life, so they sent an exploratory mission. They landed in Norman, Oklahoma, found no evidence of intelligent life, and went back home.
 
3 soldiers were on patrol near the front lines. One was a Rice Owl, another a Texas Longhorn, and the third an Aggie. Large groups of enemy soldiers approached from all sides, so our 3 soldiers rapidly climbed up high in the trees. An enemy soldier heard some rustling up in the trees and stopped for a look. The Longhorn repeatedly whistled like a bird, so the enemy walked on. Soon another group of enemy soldiers heard some rustling up in the trees and stopped for a look. The Rice Owl hooted "whoooo, whoooo" like an owl, so the enemy walked on. A third group of enemy soldiers heard some rustling up in the trees and stopped for a look. Not to be outdone by his comrades-in-arms, the Aggie loudly belted out "Mooooooooooo!"



list-eater.jpg

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!"


161nypu.jpg

"I DON'T GET IT"
 
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Lawyers should never ask an elderly southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.’
 
How do you spot an American dog in Paris?


He’s the one that pees all over the cafe floor whenever the waiter answers ‘oui, oui’ to a question.
 
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