jokes for yer big brain

I was asked to come to my son's school.

Teacher: "Thanks for getting here on such short notice. Its about your son."
Me: "Alex? What's he done?"
Teacher: "Well he said to another boy in class, "My daddy could beat up your daddy!" "
Me: "and?"
Teacher: "Well, we are going to find out. This is Mr. Smith.... "
 
An economist, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a train going through Scotland. They see a black sheep from the side angle, grazing in the meadow.

The economist exclaims: Sheep in Scotland are black.
The engineer says: No, some sheep in Scotland are black.
The physicist states: At least one sheep in Scotland is black.
The mathematician corrects them all, stating: At least one side of at least one sheep in Scotland is black.
 
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can’t cross a vector and a scalar.
 
Daughter: "Daddy, what's a gentleman?"

Dad: "A guy who likes to watch naked ladies twirl around poles while he drinks a lot."

Mom: [slaps Dad upside the head without comment]
 
Daughter follows up: "Daddy, so you mean there are ladies in the mens' bathroom? It says 'gentlemen' on the door."

Dad: "Well, there didn't use to be..."

Mom: [Gives a puzzled look, then has a good laugh.]
 
Two drinking buddies are at a bar. One of them has too much to drink and barfs on his shirt a bit.

"Oh no! My wife is going to see this and want to kill me for getting drunk!"

"No, no, it's no problem. You just tell her some OTHER guy at the bar had too much to drink and barfed on your shirt and he gave you $10 to get it cleaned. Here, I'm gonna put $10 in your shirt pocket to show her as proof."

"That's genius, buddy! Thanks!" and they keep on drinking.

So the first guy gets home, and his wife sees his shirt and starts yelling at him about getting drunk.

"No, no, honey, it wasn't me. There was this other guy at the bar, and HE had too much to drink, and he barfed on my shirt. He gave me $10 to get my shirt cleaned."

So the wife reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out the bill. "There's $20 in here" she says.

"Well that's because he also crapped in my pants!"
 
Q: What's the most outrageous example of Fred Akers' questionable play calling?

A: When he ran Edwin Simmons on a naked reverse through some lady's yard in Austin.
 
Nerdy Dude to Math Major Girl: "I like chicks who major in math, they have curvy asymptotes."

Girl: "Shove it up your Y-axis."
 
An aggie was put in charge of formulating a new hurricane evacuation plan for Houston. After much time and deep thinking, he finally unveiled his brilliant plan:

Texas Longhorns and Rice Owls take 290 West.

Houston Cougars and those who didn't go to college take I 10 West.

SMU Mustangs, Baylor Bears, and TCU Horned Frogs take I 45 North.

SFA Lumberjacks and LSU Tigers take the East Tex Freeway North

And aggies take Loop 610.
 
It gets even better...


After his supervisor pointed out the idiocy of his hurricane evacuation plan, the aggie went back to work out the kinks. After much additional work and thought, the aggie presented his revised plan. There was only one revision:





The aggies take Beltway 8.
 
I'm half way towards my goal of becoming an eccentric billionaire.

I've got the eccentric part down pat.
 
An aggy walks into a bar carrying a pig under his arm.

The bartender frowns and shouts, "Hey! Where did you get that!!"

"I won him in a raffle, " yelled the pig.
 
The World's Smartest Aggy, a Priest, and a young hippie were passengers on a small plane. Mid flight, the Pilot came on the intercom and informed the three men the plane was out of fuel and they were bailing out, but there were two parachutes in the back. The three men could decide which two men should get a parachute.

The World's Smartest Aggy grabbed a chute put it on and told the other two men, "I am the world's smartest aggy and I must be saved," then jumped out the door.

The Priest turned to the hippie and said, "My son. I am old and have been in service to God and our Lord my entire life. I have lived a good life and prepared to meet the Master, so you take the parachute and save yourself since you still have your whole life to live."

The young hippie looked at him and said, "Hey Man, that's cool and all, but man, we can both take a parachute, bailout and be saved."

The confused Priest then asked, "But How?"

The hippie smiled at him and said, "There are two chutes, because the world's smartest aggy jumped out wearing my knapsack."
 
At a hotel in downtown Houston, the cops were called because a naked man was standing in the lobby. When the cops showed up, they grabbed the guys and put the cuffs on him to put him in the car.

The naked man told the officers, "Wait a minute officers! I can explain."

"Ok, let's hear it," asked one officer.

"Well I'm an aggy and my girlfriend and I came down to go to the football game tomorrow," the aggy told them.

"SO WHAT!?" asked the other officer.

The aggy continued, "Well, I'm waiting for my girlfriend because, when we got upstairs to our room, she said, 'let's take our clothes off and go to town.' So, I guess I beat her back down to the lobby."
 
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An aggy driving a hot new car pulled up at his friend's house. "WOW man! Where did you get that new car?" the buddy asked.

"I got it from a girl I met in a bar earlier." sid the aggy.

"What?" his friend inquired.

"Yeah, it true. I met a girl in a bar and we sat down and had a few drinks. Then she said lets go somewhere more private. So we got in her car. She drove out to the lake. She got out of the car threw a blanket down on the ground, took off all her clothes and looked at me and told me to 'take anything you want'!"

The friend looked puzzled and asked, "So, you took her car!?"

The aggy replied, "Well, hell yeah I took her car! Her clothes didn't fit me!"
 
Joe was suffering from excruciating migraines. The doctor told him he could cure the headaches, but it would require castration. "You have a rare condition that causes pressure in the testicles to build up and cause a chain reaction that presses on your spine," the doctor explained. "This goes all the way up to your head and causes migraines. The only cure is surgery." Joe was shocked but had the operation.

When he left the hospital, Joe was depressed, so he stopped at a men's shop for a new suit. The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long?"
"That's right."Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
"How about a new shirt?" the salesman suggested. "Let's see, a 34 sleeve and 16 neck ought to do it."
"Right again," Joe said. "You're simply amazing."
"While we're at it, how about some new underwear?" the salesman asked. "Size 36 right?" the salesman asked.
"Nope, you finally missed one." Joe said, chuckling. "I wear size 32."
"You couldn't possibly," replied the salesman, "Underwear that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 
One day, Superman was alone and couldn't find any of his super friends to hang out with. So, he decided to go for a solo flight around the city. As he was flying along, he looked down and saw Wonder Woman lying nude and spread eagle on the roof of a building.

Now, Superman had always had a thing for Wonder Woman, so in less than a split second, he flew down, took off his clothes, hopped on top of her, did his thing, dressed, and then flew away.

Wonder Woman was surprised and shouted "What the hell was that!?"

Just then the invisible man got up off of her and replied "I don't know, but it really really hurt!"
 
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Santa Clause made his round at Christmas, but had an issue with his rear end, so he went to the doctor.

"What's the problem?" the Doc asked him.

Santa said, "During my rounds on Christmas Even, I was in a hurry, jumped in my sleigh and I think I landed on a small minced meat pie which must be stuck in my butt."

So, the doctor had him drop trow and bend over, so he could have a look. "AH HA!" said the doctor, "You do have a small minced meat pie rammed up your backside. But, don't worry, because I have some cream for that."
 
The Golf Lesson

Dude1: Today I’m gonna teach ya how to play golf.

Dude2: Okay, I’m game.

Dude1: Alright then, to play golf you must have your bag, balls and clubs. You do have your bag, balls, and clubs don’t you.

Dude2: Well, yeah. I got outta the Army with that much.

Dude1: Okay then, we start at the first tee.

Dude2: What’s that.

Dude1: It where you start the game. So at the tee, you unzip your bag...

Dude2: Wait! You got a zipper on your bag?

Dude1: Yeah, they all have zippers.

Dude2: Damn!

Dude1: Unzip your bag and let your balls fall out on the ground.

Dude2: Well, won’t that get them dirty?

Dude1: If they get dirty, there’s a wire brush there and you can scrub your balls with it.

Dude2: That sounds painful.

Dude1: Next, you take one of your balls and put it on a tee.

Dude2: Don’t make much sense, but okay.

Dude1: Then you take your biggest club in your bag and hold it in your hands.

Dude2: Two hands! Your’s take two hands to hold does it?

Dude1: Yes, both hands. Now you gotta know how to hold your club in your hands. You do know how to hold your club don’t you?

Dude2: Hell, yeah! Just like all the other boys in south Louisiana, between my thumb and my...hold on! It’s none of your damn business how I hold my club!

Dude1: Anyway, holding your club in both hands you swing your club back over your shoulder…

Dude2: How’s that again?

Dude1: I said, you swing your club back over your shoulder…

Dude2: Now your talking about my uncle.

Dude1: Swing your club over your shoulder, then swing it back down as hard as you can, striking the ball and it will soar, and soar, and soar.

Dude2: Well you damn right! Drop ‘em on the ground, scrub with a wire brush, then hit ‘em with a club, they sure as hell are gonna be sore! This is beginning to sound like a rough damn game to me.

Dude1: Now, eventually you come to the green.

Dude2: What’s the green?

Dude1: It’s that smooth patch with a hole in the middle.

Dude2: Now you’re talking! I am hog wild about those smooth patches with a hole in the middle!

Dude1: So now, you get out your putter.

Dude2: What’s that?

Dude1: It’s the shortest club you have.

Dude2: Okay! Now your talking about me! Then what?

Dude1: You take your putter and hit your ball in the hole.

Dude2: What!!

Dude1: I said, you take your putter and hit your ball into the hole.

Dude2: But, I want to put my putter in the hole.

Dude1: You can’t, the hole’s too small.

Dude2: You never been to New Orleans nor know any of the girls I do.

Dude1: Now, eventually you come to a red flag.

Dude2: What’s the red flag for?

Dude1: Means you finished 18 holes and you’re done for the day.

Dude2: Damn! You can put that little red flag after the first hole, cause I’m only good for one hole a day and I’m all worn out after that.
 
Q: How many depressed folks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they'll just sit in the dark.
 
Scientists have decided that it must have been an aggy that designed the human body, since only an aggy would be dumb enough to run the sewer system through the playground.
 
A man is shipwrecked on a desolate island in the Pacific.

After a couple of months he is one day staring out at the tide as it comes in. A beautiful blonde woman in a black wetsuit walks toward him from the water. The man rubs his eyes in astonishment. Sure enough she walks right up to him.

She says hi, you been here a long time? He exclaims: YES!

She says: Hmmm, then I bet you'd like a nice glass of whiskey!? He says: YES! As she removes a flask from inside the zipper, on her well built chest, she pours whiskey into a glass she was carrying.

After a few sips she says: and I bet you'd really enjoy a good Cuban cigar!? Once again he says: YES! She slips her hand into her wetsuit again and removes a protetive cigar holder. She cuts & lights it for him as he puffs on the cigar with great pleasure.

After sipping and smoking a few minutes, she looks at him in a sexy way and in a very sultry voice says: I know you must be lonely and you've been stuck here a long time, I bet you like to play-around!?

The man immediately stops sipping, lowers his cigar and blurts out: You got GOLF CLUBS in that wet suit !!!?
 
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