Statalyzer
10,000+ Posts
"I can neither confirm nor deny reports that he died of a viagra overdose, but he's being buried in a T-shaped coffin."
jokes for yer big brain
- Thread starter Dionysus
- Start date
Statalyzer
10,000+ Posts
"I'm not saying she was a slut, but she's being buried in a Y-shaped coffin."
@HornHuskerDad should be PUNished for some of these jokes
BevoJoe
10,000+ Posts
An Aggie scientist is doing experiments on a frog, trying to find out the effects of cutting its legs off.
The Aggie saws the first leg off and says, "Jump, frog, jump." The frog jumps five feet. The Aggie makes a note: With three legs, frog jumps five feet.
The Aggie then saws off another leg and says, "Jump, frog jump!" The frog jumps one foot. The Aggie makes a note: With two legs, frog jumps one foot.
Finally, the Aggie saws off the last foot and says, "Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump!"
The Aggie scientist makes a note: With no legs, frog goes completely deaf.
The Aggie saws the first leg off and says, "Jump, frog, jump." The frog jumps five feet. The Aggie makes a note: With three legs, frog jumps five feet.
The Aggie then saws off another leg and says, "Jump, frog jump!" The frog jumps one foot. The Aggie makes a note: With two legs, frog jumps one foot.
Finally, the Aggie saws off the last foot and says, "Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump!"
The Aggie scientist makes a note: With no legs, frog goes completely deaf.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.
On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid......
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid......
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
Stand by - I've got some more to post.
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left. The burning papers resulted in a heavy plume of smoke, which a search party immediately detected. They found the general and immediately recaptured him.
Moral of the story--Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.
Moral of the story--Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
... Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
... Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not. The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
This is a story about the famous Chinese general Fu Man Chu who went to invade Siberia during the winter. One of the defending Siberian generals had spies who would run up into the mountains, spy on the Chinese, and return with messages about the state of the invaders. During one night, there was a terrible snow and ice storm, and the renowned Chu was said to have died from the cold.
The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and gave the following report, "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen."
The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and gave the following report, "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen."
A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship's captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay.
This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of . . . grounding the warship you walk on.
This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of . . . grounding the warship you walk on.
Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun. A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by. The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"
Candidate for the Papacy Who Didn't Get the Job -
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WII and spent two years copiloting B-17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. Father Grapje rose through the stations of the Church and became a Bishop, and eventually Archbishop.
In 1997, Archbishop Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
His long and selfless service resulted in elevation to Cardinal in 2001.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agreed: he would never ascend to the Papacy. And for good reason …..
No one wanted a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WII and spent two years copiloting B-17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. Father Grapje rose through the stations of the Church and became a Bishop, and eventually Archbishop.
In 1997, Archbishop Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
His long and selfless service resulted in elevation to Cardinal in 2001.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agreed: he would never ascend to the Papacy. And for good reason …..
No one wanted a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
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GERMAN KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE.
Originally attributed to Robin Williams:
Originally attributed to Robin Williams:
- Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- WE ARE ASKING THE QUESTIONS!
For years and years, a doctor had been having a drink after work at the same bar. Every time he walked in the door, the barman would mix his favorite drink, a hazelnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender didn't have any hazelnuts in the bar. Wondering what to do, he spied some hickory nuts and tried to make the drink from them instead. The doctor came in at his regular time, took a sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No," said the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk".
The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight of the public. Mel had his share stored promptly, but there was still a large portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, “The rest is for Mal to hide.”
The lion and his females, in a fit of great hunger and rash stupidity, attacked an old bull elephant. Well, they got their butts kicked. The lion and his females were barely able to escape with their lives. The lion looking back over his shoulder as he was running away said, "You may have run me off, you may have defeated me, but I've still got my pride."
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
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