jokes for yer big brain

More Steven Wright genius

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
 
There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her
forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.
 
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MARY, HAD A LITTLE PIG .
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
 
Four basic concepts I live by:

1. To err is human, to forgive is Devine

2. Neither a lender nor borrower be

3. A penny saved is a penny earned

4. A wise man does not piss into the wind
 
A Longhorn, a Red Raider, and an Aggie walked into a busy bar. The bartender asked the Longhorn what he wanted.
The Longhorn said "JD." The bartender poured him a glass of Jack Daniels and asked the Red Raider what he wanted.
The Raider replied "CC." The bartender poured him a Canadian Club and asked the Aggie for his order.
The Aggie figured he could use abbreviations like the Longhorn and the Raider, so he told the bartender "15."
The bartender looked perplexed and asked "What on Earth is a 15?"
The Aggie replied "7 and 7."
 
Doctor to patient: "Eat healthy; drink in moderation; and be happy--try to minimize stress."

Patient drives home...

Wife to patient: "What did the Doctor tell you to do?"

Patient: "Eat, Drink, and Be Happy!"
 
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Many years ago, a young boy was walking home from school after not so great day in class. To relieve his frustration, he pushed over the family outhouse which rolled down the hill.

A short time later the boy's father confronted his son asking, "Son! Did you push our outhouse over so it rolled down the hill?"

The boy thought for a moment and then responded, "Today we learned about George Washington. When he was a young boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. When his father asked him if he chopped down the tree, George Washington said, "I cannot tell a lie. So, yes father. I did chop down the cherry tree. His father was very proud of him for not lying, and did not punish him because he told the truth."

The young boy then confessed to his father, "So, father, I will be like George Washington and not tell a lie. Yes, I did push the outhouse over and it rolled down the hill."

The father looked at the boy a moment, then pulled off his belt and wailed the stuffing out of the him. When his father was finished, the young boy said, "Father! I told the truth like George Washington! I did not lie! Why did you whip me?"

As he put his belt back on, the Father replied, "George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the cherry tree at the time of the incident, that's why!"
 
Years ago, when the Oklahoma Territory was being established, the territorial government was passing out government offices. It was a big plus for a town to land the HQ for a government agency - prestige, as well as economic impact.
Finally they got to the point where only two agencies remained - the prison and the University of Oklahoma - and two cities competing - Norman and McAlester. Both cities were dug in on their preference and neither would budge. After endless begging, pleading, and pot-sweetening with no success, the legislature finally turned to the Governor.
The Governor finally said "let's settle it the old-fashioned way - by flipping a coin."
McAlester won.
 
What does a dyslexic, anorexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

They lay in bed at night, wide awake, hungry, pondering whether or not there really is a Dog.
 
A skunk, a doe, a duck, and a giraffe walk into a bar...
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As they order their drinks, the bartender asks, “Who’s paying for these?”

The skunk says “Don’t look at me, I’ve only got one scent”

The doe replies “not me, I haven’t had a buck in years!”

The duck answers “Sorry, I only have one bill on me”

Finally, the giraffe chimes in “Don’t worry guys, the high balls are on me”
 
Two young businessmen read about advances in cloning and discussed it at the bar. One of them stated 'I've got an idea - suppose we get DNA samples from famous athletes and freeze them until human cloning technology is ready? Think of the possibilities - suppose this were possible years ago, and someone cloned Babe Ruth now - what would people pay to see a Babe Ruth clone playing baseball?"
They sold themselves on the idea and set out to get DNA sample to freeze. They approached Kareen Abdul Jabbar and got a sample from him. They immediately had it cryogenically frozen. You might say that they created the first iced Kareem clone.
 
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There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the Cold War. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so that the networks could be neutralized. Because Paris is famous for its great number and variety of restaurants, the Soviets always met in a restaurant to make a drop. Dwayne and Amber did not know, at any particular time, which restaurant the Soviets would use; thus, on a given night they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order to avoid drawing attention to themselves, they became quite adept at ordering small items from the menu at each restaurant. Thus, their expense reports were outrageously large. Because of the pressure of the mission of counterespionage, and because they were siblings, they were constantly bickering; Amber was particularly hard in nagging at Dwayne. Nonetheless, they were devoted to their mission and became very good, breaking up a large number of Soviet spy networks. On their Annual Performance Appraisal, their supervisor wrote – “They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne.”
 
Many years ago, in a German bakery, there was a gentleman who was considered a Master in the art of mixing and pouring batter for various German sausages, such as Bratwurst. He had developed a secret recipe for the batter which made the products especially tasty, and grew very famous; in the inner circle, he was known reverently as “Richard the Pourer.” As he neared retirement, he took on a young apprentice to pass on his skill and knowledge. As with all apprentices, the young man began with menial tasks for his mentor. One day Richard noticed that he was running low on one of his spices, so he sent the apprentice to the store to purchase more. Unfortunately, when the apprentice arrived at the store, he had forgotten the name of the spice. All he could tell the storekeeper was…it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
 
Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.
 
There was this guy who supported his local Little League team by making the bats for them in his woodshop. On game days, he would place the bats under a hedge near the street, and someone from the team would pick them up on the way to the ballpark.
One day, some Japanese children came to the guy's door, and asked if they might play in his yard. They even offered him a Japanese bill if he would come out and play with them. The guy agreed and joined them. He was having so much fun romping and cavorting with the children, that he completely forgot there was a game that day, didn't get the bats out, and the team had to forfeit.
The moral of the story is that if you ever get a yen to gambol, be sure to hedge your bats.
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was…God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”
 
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