jokes for yer big brain

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A local Indian restaurant is making employees sign a legal contract that they won't share the flatbread recipe. Just your standard naan disclosure agreement.
 
On their wedding night in the bridal suite, preparing for bed-
He - "Honey, I have a confession to make. I should have told you earlier, but you're going to find out soon enough."
She wonders with a worried look.
He - "I'm a golfaholic. It's golf all the time for me. Don't look for me on the weekends; I'll be playing golf. I watch the Golf Channel; I subscribe to all the golf magazines. I buy the new equipment when it comes out. When we take a vacation, it'll be a golf vacation. Just thought I should tell you now."
She breathes a sigh of relief. "I have a confession to make, too - I'm a hooker."
He - "No problem - we can weaken your grip and open your stance a bit..."
 
A guy is reading the want ads one day, looking for cars for sale. He stumbles across an ad that offers to sell a one-year-old Porsche 911 for $100! He thinks it's an obvious typo, but he dials the number and a woman answers. Conversation goes like this:
Guy - "$100 for a nearly-new 911? That's got to be a typo - what's the real price?"
Woman - "Not a typo - real price is $100."
Guy - "What's wrong with the car - is it wrecked or something? Engine destroyed?"
Woman - "No, it's in perfect condition, with only 5.000 miles on it."
Guy - "Why on Earth are you selling it for $100? It's got to be worth $100,000."
Woman - "My husband died recently - it was his car. In his will he directed that I sell the Porsche and gives the proceeds to his mistress."
 
Most ornamental figures found in gardens are only 10 inches tall and wear red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.
 
In addition to his legendary prowess at archery, William Tell was also an accomplished bowler. He and his family members participated in a bowling league for several years. Unfortunately the league's records have been lost, so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.
 
Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.
One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.
"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
 
The effects of the current inflation are going global. Inflation is reaching into Japan. The street prostitutes are going broke - no one has a yen for them.
 
The Bidens are willing to do almost anything to improve their public image. Rumor has it that they're planning a big Halloween costume party for the White House. They rented a two-person horse costume - Jill will be the horse's head, Joe will be himself.
 
Someone told me that Viagra is good for sunburn
It doesn’t help the pain but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
 
In a third-grade English class:
Teacher - "Give me a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."
Mary - "We went to the zoo last weekend, and I was fascinated by the lions."
Teacher - "Mary, that's a good sentence, but I asked for the word 'fascinate' - you gave me another form of that word."
Susie - "When we went to Oregon last summer, I found the views of the Pacific fascinating."
Teacher - "Susie, just like Mary, you gave me another form of the word, rather than the word 'fascinate' itself."
Johnny (the class troublemaker) - "My big sister has a new blouse with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
 
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