Guess i'm Gonna havta talk to the preacher

[MaceHorn]

Nick Danger, I'm smarter than I've ever been. Thanks for clearing up "sucking eggs."

My dad said, "You're a pretty good boy. Too bad there isn't much of a market for pretty good boys."

And he was real big on, "Your chickens will come home to roost."

 

[shorty]

The croker sack is a burlap sack that was generally used when you went frog gigging.

One I have not seen is:

He is busier than a one-legged man in an *** kicking contest.

 

[buckhorn]

'I got to go see a man about a horse' = #1
'I got to go see a man about ******* his wife' = #2

 

[mcbrett]

Talk to my friend from Friedricksburg, Jasper Shitzengigglez

 

[accuratehorn]

Big threat: "I'm gonna snatch you bald-headed!"
Someone caught doing something wrong: "He oughta be horsewhipped!"

These were a couple of favorites from my Mamaw Cox, who grew up on a farm in west Texas, Bertram area, moved to Talpa-she had a million expressions like that, and the family regrets not writing more of them down, as we can't remember too many of them now.

There was the ever-popular "drunker than Cooter Brown," whoever that was.

 

[WhiteH2O Horn]

Here are the ones I use the most: (accordin' to my lovely wife)

"Madder'n a centipede on a hot rock"

"Happier than a puppy with two peters"

"Worthless as henshit on a pump han'l"

"Well I'll be dipped in ****"

"Got a hitch in my gitalong"

"Uglier than homemade sin"

"That boy could tear up a steel ball with a rubber hammer"

I also use many of the colloquialisms already listed (and more that I don't recollect at the moment). I guess as a native Texan, they're just a normal part of our lexicon. I love sitting around and talking with my dad and his buddies over some drinks or supper. I always get to hear this rich, pure Texas speak. It's nice to live somewhere that, despite all our fancy, expensive learnin' we got in college, we can still talk in a way that unique to our people.

 

[MaceHorn]

Shorty, thanks for smartenin' me up on the crocre sack.

How about: he don't have the brains of a pissant.

 

[easonlake]

1) When I worked construction in the summer, the supervisor would ask me if I brought my kerosene rag with me. I'd ask him," what for?" He'd reply," To beat the ants off your candy ***!"
2) He'd rather climb a tree and lie than stay on the ground and tell the truth.
3) **** on a shingle (creamed beef on toast)
4) When served coffee, I've been asked,"You want socks on that?" (cream and sugar)
5) Ran like a scalded dog
6) Light a shuck! (hurry up)
7) Turn your hat around, I'm looking for you(r) back
8) See you in the funny papers (I never quite understood this one)
9) It's a lead pipe cinch! (sure thing)
10) He's got audabeen hair. Yeah, oughta been on an ape's ***.
11) I'll beat you like a redheaded stepchild.
12) He needed killin'
13) Ever what you said and all that. (I agree with you)
14) Much obliged
15) It's your turn in the barrel
16) Crooked as a dog's hind leg
17) It come a real turd floater (or frog strangler) (heavy rain)
18) Fit like socks on a rooster

 

[TTK]

He's got all the couth of an adolescent pissant.

He ain't worth the powder it'd take to blow 'em up.

He's dumber'n a box of broken hammers.

 

[The Eyes of Texas]

I forgot one that my brother says all the time:
"If you're waitin' on me, you're backin' up"

from the movie Daddy's dyin' Who's Got the Will:

"Well, spit in the fire and call the dogs."

 

[OrangeChipper]

On something good happening....

"Beats a sharp stick in the eye."

 

[Flood]

a few my grandpa issues all the time...

"I'd hate to send you after ammo" (took you a long time)

"It's colder than a well digger's butt"

 

[celis]

he had more ?? than you could shake a stick at

he ain't no count

more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

she was a tall drink of water

I remember Yosimite Sam being fair to middlin' at drawing.

 

[Statalyzer]

"If ugly was wealth you'd be a millionaire."

 

[kgp]

Of one person screwing something up: you look like a monkey fuckin' a football.

Of two persons screwing up: you look like two bear cubs buildin' a wristwatch.

"Of a mornin'" or e.g., "of a Tuesday"

Quicker'n **** through a goose

Does a bear **** in the woods?

To a sassy child: talk like that again, and I'll knock yer head down between your ***.

I heard the rooster/socks one as "spinnin' like socks on a rooster."

And who could forget what old grampa used to say: "I think I'm gonna go upstairs and **** grandma." (ok that one isn't real)

 

[longtex]

Ah's down ta Austown coupla weeks back - wull, Burnit, reely - hell's fahr, ittuz hotter'n a three-peckered billygoat. Wellsir, I tell ya whut, ah'm fixin' ta head on back whur I come from - got ta get me a new well dug on accounta it's drier'n a popcorn fart last coupla months. Doan fergit ta tell yer Mom'n them hay fer me, willya?