Guess i'm Gonna havta talk to the preacher

"Here's your hat, what's your hurry?"
"Worthless as tits on a boar hog."
"Sweating like a ***** in church."
"Finer than frog's hair"

And this one's of my own creation...
"Slower than a snail on sandpaper."
 
Luke,

I read that link with interest and couldn't find where it had any explanation of the phrase. Only that it had a technical meaning in the cotton industry. Did I miss something?
 
For some reason I just remembered a few rodent related ones...

"It's hotter than two rats humpin in a wool sock."
"He's as crazy as a shithouse rat."
"He's nuttier than squirrel ****."
 
I am sure it originated as "fair to middlin" but there are more than a few old folks that have said Midland for a long time and that would be for the Texas town of Midland. People change things all the time to fit their circumstances and not just their hearing impairments.
 
Some of my favorite old timer quotes off the top of my head:

"Raining hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock"

Reference to any male:
"ol boy" - "That ol boy is a mean sumbitch"

"Like a duck on a junebug"

"No hill for a stepper"

Fair to middlin: it's a cotton metaphor:
If you're in good shape, you're in high cotton
If you're ok, you're fair to middlin
 
"I was running around like a crack addict in the evidence room" - for chaos or a very busy time
 
We got a long row to hoe

We dont wash our clothes we warsh em

We have breakfest and dinner

He aint worth shootin

I was born at night but not last night

As queer as a three dollar bill

Mad as a Jap

Flash in the pan

If an old man says he wants a coke better bring him a Dr. Pepper

Not all money is good money

I aint seen you in a month of Sundays
 
i like the "dumber than" lines . . .

dumber than a bag of hammers
dumber than a box of rocks
dumber than . . .
 
My mom used to say this when she was frustrated, "Well **** fire, and save the matches!" Sometimes she would say, "**** fire, and fart egg shells..."

An old guy I knew used to say this when something was all messed up, "That thing is all wawberjawed..."
 
I think "flash in the pan" has to do with a flint-lock rifle misfire.
My football coach used to say "get on that ball like a duck on a June bug".
 
On my moms side of the family-- was it any count

I hear it occasionally elsewhere-- was it worth anything
 
Friend of mine from Sweetwater had some good ones:

"I was drunker than a waltzin' piss ant"

"Slicker than a bullfrog's ***"
 
Up in the Piney Woods, a proper greeting was, "How's your mama 'nem?"

We were "finna" when you were fixin' to.

The man who'd squeeze a dollar till the eagle **** was "tighter'n Dick's hat band." Guess he's gonna take his with him.
If I had his money, I'd burn mine.
That ol' boy's still got his first dollar.

Pitch black was "darker'n Matty's Ballroom," a real place in Longview that morphed into the Rio Palm Isle.

Hot? It was hotter'n a $2 pistol.

I'll slap you so hard your teeth will rattle.
I'll beat you so bad your mama won't reconize you.

Cut off my legs and call me Shorty.
Slap me nekkid and hide my clothes.
Butter my buns and call me a biscuit.

Beat me. Hurt me. Make me write bad checks.
Beat me. Hurt me. Make me drink warm beer.

Sick? He was low downer'n a mole.
Low downer'n a snake's belly.

I never understood my dad's threat that the consequences of some action would "break you from suckin' eggs." Anybody?

How'm I doin'? If I's any better, I'd be twins.
If I's any better, I'd be you.

Hey, Jimbo, what's the word?
Thunderbird!
What's the price?
Forty twice.

Grinnin' like a mule eatin' briars.

Fat woman in tight-fittin' clothes: looked like two pigs wrasslin' in a crocre sack. Crocre, prounounced CROAK-er. Still don't know what it means.

aggy: Lovin's lovin', even if you have to stand on a milk can to get it.

I'm tired now. I mean, I'm woe out. Gonna go suck some pillow fuzz. See y'all. Hey to yer mama 'nem.
 
That and ten cents will get you a piece of gum

I'm sweatin like a ***** in church

Ain't two shits about it

You're peein up wind

That boy's a few cards short of a full deck

The lights are on but no one's at the wheel

It's like kissin your sister, technically it's a kiss, but well it was your sister

(when someone is dressed "not right") What dead clown did he pull those off of?
 
That read like a bad song.

Once a dog got to stealing "sucking the goodies out of" eggs, there was nothing short of a shotgun to the head that would cure the problem.
 
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