'Settling' for a Spouse

I'm about that age and the 20 something is way out of my range now since I look like I'm 40. Besides, you do have more in common with someone within 5 years of you than 15 years. It's much easier to find a 33 year old if you are a 38 year old guy but she will most likely have 2 kids aged 8 and 6 or worse (14 and 9 ...) . Kids are a huge drawback for me, cause for instant rejection.

I somewhat agree that the 38yo guy has the 25 yo hot young thing but overall, although the older guys are wealthier, more mature and more caring (generally), the physical attraction just isn't there from the young lady's perspective. At this age, a lot of us are bald, have guts, and silver hair - not exactly prime Grade A anymore.
 
precisely why my daughter (if I have one) will never be called a princess by me and will not be allowed to engage in princess ********. There are only a select few princesses in this world and their fathers are REAL kings. I ain't one, so neither is she.
 
Being attractive, wealthy, nice, and humble, doesn't make someone perfect. Those are all good things, but a lot of what makes for a quality relationship isn't just having good qualities and not having bad ones, but things about someone's personality that aren't "good" or "bad" in and of themselves.
 
if people want to get married because it is convenient then let them. if people are lucky enough to find someone that they want to share the rest of their lives with, that's cool also.

if you treat people like **** because they get either of the above situations you want then you are a beyotch.
 
****. I'm still reading the December issue of The Atlantic. I'm severely backlogged, but I'll get to this article.

From what I can tell, she totally lifted this from Chuck Klosterman. Read Chapter 1 of Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. Chuck blames TV and movies for causing this. While TV and movies get blamed for glorifying violence and drugs, etc., the worst thing it has done is caused people to elevate "romantic love" to heights it has never reached. In the past, people got married young to pro-create. That's it. Romantic love wasn't a factor. Settle down and raise a family with somebody you are compatible with.

Now, you have to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect, your soul-mate. When did this happen? Chuck blames the movies of John Cusack and the music of Coldplay for screwing with our generation of women. Note how Lori Gottlieb cites John Cusack (without giving credit to Chuck). Women have this dream scenario in their head about finding Mr. Right, and anything less won't cut it.

P.S. Lori Gottlieb wrote an interesting article for The Atlantic a few years ago (or last year, can't remember) about the science behind online dating websites like eHarmony, Perfect Match, etc. She tried eHarmony, and she got no matches. She has issues.

**** I see that there is a link to the article from March 2006. "How Do I Love Thee." Read that if y'all have time.
 
people are looking for flawlessness in others, be it material or superficial, or the kindness of the other person. They certainly are not looking for abusive or negative traits and if they are they have psychological issues themselves of low self esteem or self hatred.

Find someone compatible, kind, and forgive them for the flaws that we have (some MUCH more than others).
 
eh, guys who marry girls like that are either a) attracted to that b) want a girl who fits in to what he is expected to marry.

me, I'm a child of divorce and I'll wait it out as long as possible, I'm not marrying a c-bag....what Hornin said was correct.
 
I married for the partnership totally. My wife was making good bank, was fairly attractive and I knew she was honest. I looked at it as someone I would like to develop a partnership with that could help me make it through. We have been married 19 years and have two kids. It hasn't been all smoothness, but it turned out to be a pretty good partnership and we are still together.
 
Sounds romantic.

I was just crazy about my wife. In retrospect, she is cute and normal looking, not movie star. But, something about her. That ***, perhaps.
 
The author of the article wrote an interesting article (also in the Atlantic) a few years ago about why she decided to do in vitro sans a dude. It was also very well written. And even if you think she's crazy, you have to admit it takes guts to say "I was wrong."
 
My wife misunderstood what I was saying and I clarified to that to her. I didn't mean it was all work and no play. I just meant that a successful relationship has to be worked on always. And even play time together is really working on your marriage. Fun helps a lot.
 
while i appreciate the sentiment she presents that maybe we should stop looking for perfection in a spouse and look at things more as a partnership, she essentially is arguing for a warm body that'll pay half the bills.

to me, this is different than saying "maybe we shouldn't cross off the guy who's a bit of a slob, but is great with kids and is all around a good guy". there's a difference between settling and overlooking flaws to see the greater picture (or person in this case). the things that people think make a good partner are not the same as what actually makes a good partner. to me, this should have been the focus of her article. instead, it became about how everyone's life is better than her's and that she only wishes she had been divorced and could get a guy to take visitation a couple times a week. that has nothing to do with settling and everything to do with being overburdened and willing to accept any warm body for help/support.

sorry, but i think i'll look elsewhere for relationship advice.
 
Dreams are just that -- dreams.

Find somebody that you enjoy being around and who makes you feel good about yourself when you are with them. And then build the relationship daily.
 
I think you can interpret her saying that women need to give up on the romantic ideals that they're taught. and for that, I can agree. but that doesn't seem to be the focus of the article.

the article reads like a classic "grass is greener..." reaction to things not going for her as well as she'd hoped. just because what she did didn't work, that doesn't mean that the only alternative is to pick the first guy that comes along (an overstatement, but she doesn't seem to make much delineation on where one should draw the line).

it'd be one thing if she'd had success "settling", but she hasn't even done that. all we can really determine is that going it alone with a kid didn't work for her.

all that said, i think the issue isn't so much about "settling" but rather changing your expectations and recognizing the qualities that are better predictors for relationship success and long term happiness. to me, that would been a much better and more helpful article.
 
SP,
I don't disagree with you, but I think this article is targeting the staunch feminist types who think they can do everything themselves. I'm close friends with several... and I think this article is a wake-up-call/reality check. In fact, I forwarded it to them to get their reaction.

To your point, a good follow up article would then try to teach them what to look for in a man. Maybe it would suggest that the Vagina Monologues is not a good first date idea.
 
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