If the dog hadn't stopped.....

"Thats almost as shiny as a diamond in a goat's butt".

"Man you smell so bad you could knock a buzzard off a **** wagon".

Okay the 2nd one is from George Carlin, first one Dad.
 
it's hotter than a 4 dicked billy goat today.

another coat of paint and it would have hit me.

them two are closer than 2 coats of paint.

happier than a pig in ****

whining like a stuck pig.

(affirmative answer) does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

that makes about as much sense as two monkeys ******* a football.

nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
 
For something weird: "That's as queer as a football bat"
For an ungly girl: "She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"She looks like her face was on fire and someone used a pick axe to put it out."
 
not the greatest but when somebody wearing a hat offends you... "ill take a **** in that hat and pull it down over your ears"

honestly, if you want some real good ones, go drinking with a salty car salesman
 
Here's my two:

About hos

Girls like that come a dime a dozen.

From my uncle:

He's queerer that a three dollar bill.
 
confused or shocked by something:

I didn't know whether to **** or wind my watch.

Horny:

I'm hornier than a three-balled tom cat

To describe a blow hard, fake:

He's all hat and no cattle.

Don't get greedy (I still use this all the time in business):

Pigs get fat, Hogs get slaughtered

Someone does something funny or looks very uncoordinated:

Son, you looked like a monkey trying to **** a football.
 
Variation of "I'll be damned":
"I'll be dipped in **** and rolled in sugar."
Vincel at the Taylor Cafe once told me that he thought a really big woman could "Kickstart a 747"! Classic!
My dad used to see a good-looking woman somewhere and rate her on the Budweiser scale. "How many Clydesdales it'd take to pull her off my face!"
 
"I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ***, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."

From my friend, the late "Big Tom" Callahan
 
One that always stuck with me was from the movie Predator, when Sonny Lanham says "...but I wouldn't wish that on a broke dick dog." Just great!
 
I like the use of the term "Mickey Mouse" to refer to something as insubstantial, flimsy, or cheap. My grandpa uses it all the time. Disney must hate that colloquialism.
 
I've never understood the following country sayings:

"Hair-lip the Pope." (see, e.g., David Allen Coe lyrics)

"Hair-lip the governor."

I don't know what they mean, nor have I been able to infer the proper context for their usage. Still, I've heard my redneck brethren spout them for years.
 
My mom always says, "If it hair-lips the pope and every cow in Texas." I guess it just means, "no matter what." Can you imagine how serious you must be about doing something if you don't care if it causes the pope and every cow in Texas to end up hair-lipped?
Oh yea, almost forgot:
"Hotter than a freshly-****** fox in a forest fire!" and "Hotter than two squirrels scewing in a silk sock!" Gotta love the illiteration.
 
From my DI's:

Happy as a queer with a bag full of dicks.

Dumber than a box of hammers.

For the fat guys:
You look like a fartsack full of doorknobs.

(I've never in my life heard the term "fartsack" except in Marine Corps boot camp to describe the sheet-like bag, which I've also never seen outside of boot camp, that wraps up your mattress in place of a fitted sheet.)
 
heard a new one:
when something insignificant was written on a deposit slip at the bank "dont worry, that doesn't affect the price of corn"
 
"I'm so hungry I could eat the *** end out of a dead rhino."

Thank you Detective Pappas/Gary Busey.
 
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