How do I eat a new sandwich?

I'll let you all in on a little secret....I have been known to call a friend and let him listen as I eat a sandwich (or two). Yes, I am a very bad girl.
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So any updates? Has the sandwich agreed to be your 5th love? I hope that you have been ordering it face-to-face instead of at the drive through, or god forbid, placing an internet order.

Given your history though, I doubt this will be the last sandwich you ever have. When the time comes, you need to cut off its crust and throw it in the Trinity.
 
Hello, my name is Eric White and I am going to buy a sandwich in a few days. A sandwich I've already taken a bite out of. But now the sandwich and I have agreed (at the sandwich's suggestion) that I will have to wait the whole time until I buy it to have another bite. Any advice?
...


Damnit, my friend took me to McDonalds and even though I planned on having a salad, I ended up eating a big mac. Should I tell the my sandwich the truth?
 
The only advice I have to offer you, is, if you feel that the sandwich's buns need more toasting, be very careful about what toaster you use.
 
I've always found that sandwiches go down a little better with some lite jazz - you might try that as a background, or groundbreaker, or whatever...
 
Matt, I'm glad you don't think I am an axe murderer. I mean, it's completely normal to keep sandwiches in my basement and lower a tub of margarine down to them in a rope-tethered basket...right? It rubs the margarine on its bun, or else it gets the hose again.

As for hobbies, I'm not sure how impressive they are to Big Jimmy and his Aussie sandwich. I was once lucky enough to win the intramural marbles championship in college. I would practice 14, 15 hours a day. Nothing can really prepare you for the rigors of a marathon sandwich session like hunching over a bunch of marbles all day. And the thumb calluses. Hoo boy.

I really value your advice - and Shank, your sandwich looks delicious, as well - so I feel that I have to be completely honest with you. I'm having second thoughts about making this new commitment because I can't get an old love out of my head. There's a thread floating around where folks name the best day of their lives. Some named football games, births, marriages. But me? I just can't shake the memories of my second sandwich.

It was June 6th, 1989. I went with a bunch of my friends to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and afterwards we headed to the deli across the street. Nobody could decide on what to get and asked for my opinion. My friends probably can't remember that I suggested the BLT that day, but I'll never forget. The juicy tomato....the crunchy bacon....crisp lettuce. It was the beginning of a torrid affair.

What should I do? These memories are flooding back, but I really want to try this bold, new taste. Maybe I should just fax in my order.
 
As a guy whose been with the same sammich for many years, I recommend a little role-playing from time to time. If you're a corned beef on rye guy, dress it up with a little French dressing and sauerkraut and pretend you're eating a Reuben. Have it with Havarti instead of Swiss if you want to pretend you're getting some Scandi strange.

Or when you order it at the deli, pretend you are trying it for the first time. Ask the people at the counter if it's any good. Smell it before you bite into it.

A rich fantasy life is the key to a long, monogamous sammich life.
 
i had a private membership once to an adults only sandwich shop. there was a cheesy arrow-shaped sign with lots of bright flashing bulbs that pointed you around back so people didnt see you come in from the highway. i gave them a fake name when i signed up, but had to use my real credit card, and was always afraid my wife would see the charges. anyway, i used to walk up and down the aisles perusing all the choices, staring at the titillating titles of the sandwiches, and wondering about the contents. if it would be as fulfilling as i longed for. they even had some booths where you could go in and pull a curtain closed and sit down and enjoy your sandwich. there was always a smell of mayonnaise in that place, and everytime i left i felt dirty and cheap.

by the way, boston, your fixation on your mothers' sandwiches are a big red flag. you need to get past that. your mother wants you to go out and find your own sandwiches now. she is serving her sandwiches to others. but dont let that bother you. you probably should get some therapy or counseling.

elvis liked peanut butter and banana sandwiches. i do too. have you ever tried nutella? experiment with it some. so many people go for burgers, and thus miss out on the many nuances of a real sandwich. a burger is to sandwiches what a newspaper is to literature. shallow. junkfood.

i hope that you find happiness in your next sandwich and are able to get past your experiences with other sandwiches. we all need to move on occasionally. remember, when one door closes, another one opens.
 
I need some advice. I think my current sammich was been part of an all you can eat buffet. I checked the sammich's computer record and it's been receiving emails from an underground and exclusive all you can eat dinnery. The sandwich hasn't said anything other than maybe I should try to eat it and its friend at the same time, but that then someone else would have to try them both too on a later date.

What should I do HF?
 
True sammich love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true sammich love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of open face sammiches jump out of your fridge blindfolded like a ******* magic show ready to double team your turkey sammich...
 
I am taking care of a friends sammich for a while and left my refrigerator door open just a smidge so that he can go out. I return home after work and notice that the fridge looked differently. I get to the refrigerator door, pull and the door won't open - in the pit of my stomach I had this feeling that it was held from inside... I try to open it for 5 minutes or so and then walk to the office. By the time that I return to wait for the maintenance guy, I get to the door, pull and voila, the door is open.

I look in (not smart) and immediately begin to check under the lettuce, deli sliced meat, miracle whip, etc. Nothing seems out of place, except that the pinot grigio bottle is open and the cork left half off. Weird, but I go about my business. Then I notice that my nuva ring (I keep them in my frig door) is tilted. I then realize that I had walked in on a strange sammich in my refrigerator. I rechecked the condiments, deli meat and assorted cheese - and this time find that the Monterrey Jack Cheese was all gone. My friends sammich was hiding in the far corner of the fridge, curled in the sammi-fetal position.

Freaking scary.
 
We walked to the top of the hill and we ate sandwiches.

Oh, We'd just grab a sandwich and put it in our mouths. Oh, that's the only way to have sandwiches. Oh Jenny, tell me do you still walk? Do you still get into sandwiches in a big way?

Still walk a lot but I am not eating as many sandwiches as back then.

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You people who just go around digging into strange sammiches wherever you go sure better be using some protection. I suggest Imodium and Alka-Seltzer, but remember, they can't prevent you from getting a disease. They can only help you deal with the symptoms.
 
BostonRC,

You mentioned the sandwich you tried in Thailand. If it's not too painful (I'm assuming you got some canker sores out of it), can you tell us what happened? A lot of people come to the interweb to learn from the experiences of others, and I think it would be beneficial to all if you shared the knowledge.

Signed,
Concern Netizen
 
you should just violently remove the top bun of the previous sandwich and throw it into the trinity.

i mean, ****, i heard mike modano has been known to order that sandwich. not surprising, as he's apparently had a piece of every sando in town, but worth noting.
 
I heard Mike Modano has achieved the sandwich trifecta - 3 different sandwiches in a 24 hour period.

Some of us settle with eating the same sandwich. I'm still happy with my sandwich, and sometimes eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack, but I heard from some other people that they're sick of eating the same thing, and want to try a fresher sandwich.
 
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