Ever had the EXACT right words at the right time?

While my now x-wife and I were on a trip once, she was whinning and bitching about my driving. After several minutes of this, I pulled over and put the car in park. She ask me what I was doing and I said Why don't you drive and I'll *****!
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I'm also a recreational biker. I live near the Terry Hershey Park but have to ride about a mile to get there.

I take the sidewalk even though there is a 3 foot bike lane painted on Kirkwood.

Why?

1. Because there are never ever any pedestrians, and when there are, I stop and let them pass me. They have the right of way.

2. Because I don't want to die.

It's simple common sense. A car will win any battle with a bicycle.

When I'm on a bike, both cars and pedestrians get the right of way. If I'm in a hurry, I'll drive. Biking is leisure and I don't see any sense in being a "I have every right..." *******.

If you're holding up traffic. Get the **** off and let them past. Common Sense. Use it.
 
i was at a bar about a month ago, where this insanely sexy bartender works. i was there at happy hour and there were some random people in there. and something was said that indicated that me and the bartender knew each other. some older guy says, "wait, you two know each other" (which we didn't).... "did you all used to date?".

i said: "not yet"

she loved it, and i now know her quite well.
 
Hornfans bigotry is alive and well, though I know it's not REALLY bigotry if your prejudices are against redneck pickup drivers.

Anyway, back to the topic.

Back in high school, my friends dropped me off at my house early one Saturday morning, drunk off my *** (the drinking age was 18 then, and I didn't drive, so there). They kicked me to the curb just in time for me to spray the driveway with onion rings (where'd they come from?). Down on all fours, I dragged the garden hose over to the driveway and began to wash the onion rings into the gutter. Then, behind me I heard my mother say with hands on hips, "You're drunk!" I responded with the exact right words at the right time, "No ****, Sherlock!"

On second thought, these were neither the exact right words nor were they at the right time.
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A couple of years ago while coming down from the Press Box at halftime after getting our *** driven 29-0 in the first two quarters. A guy I thought was my friend started yelling and screaming at me about taking a knee at the end of the second quarter with less than twenty seconds left on the clock.

We were on our own five yard line and our QB could not throw the ball accurately ten yards.

The ******* told me I was going to get fired if I kept making stupid play calls like that.

I told him if ******** like him had any power or say so about my employment then I did not want to work there anyway.
 
Back on track guys. Take the bike debate somewhere else. Runners rule anyway
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OK, at the urinal in a crowded downtown bar and the guy next to me yells, "Where are all the chicks?" I say, "not in here dude!" Lots of laughter.
 
We were coming up to the USS Lexington in Corpus when:

My Friend: "Dang... Thats HUUGE!!"

Me: "Thats what she said"
 
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