Dumb things you've said

This was just a couple of months ago, not hung over or drunk.

A buddy calls me and asks me to help him get a couch upstairs. He had just had hardwood floors installed upstairs. I am very good friends with him and his wife and they live one block from me, so I walk over to help.

It's one of these double rocker love seats. Two rockers that can rock independently of each other and it's a pain in the *** to move. We get it up the stairs and I'm ******* around with the rockers, getting them to move back and forth at opposite times.

As a background, his wife one of the nicest, most giving people ever. She is just a blast to hang out with and we're always joking around. She was a beauty queen (participated in Ms. Texas) about 15 to 20 years ago, but after having kids is quite a bit larger.

So, as I'm rocking the backs, I say:

"These things rub together like a fat girls thighs"

Immediately, I realize my gaff and get a deer in the headlights look. She looks at me, sees my reaction and starts laughing at me. She said if I hadn't reacted that way, i'd have gotten away with it.

Ahh well, now they have that to hold over my head.
 
A few years ago, my kids were arguing/slapping/screaming at eachother in the back seat. I turned aournd and told them:

"I want you two to stop talking to eachother. Do not talk to eachother. In fact, don't talk to eachother again. EVER. Don't ever talk to eachother ever again."

It worked.
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They stopped arguing right then.
 
Yeah... I've said so many dumb things... this one came to mind though....

A few years back, there was road work going close to where we lived. I had driven past this sign several days in a row and just couldn't figure out what it meant. The sign:

CONSTRUCT
ION

LHF68 and I drove by together, I asked him how the they they were constructing ions on the road. He just looked at me-- THEN I got it.
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stat, if she wasn't Calista Flockhart thin, she would've been pissed.


Funny one a childhood friend said, this was back in 4th grade or whatever.


Alright, few friends over and we're wrestling (not in the gay way, and we're all straight).

My buddy Dave throws Gabe into the wall. Gabe gets pissed and they start arguing. Gabe says "f#@$ you man." Dave responds naturally with "you would." Gabe's response is "Only if you paid me."

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We all broke out laughing.
 
The first time I met my ex's family (right after I moved to Knoxville, TN), I went on an anti-NASCAR rant. Turns out her father was a huge NASCAR fan. Notice that I referred to her as "ex."
 
I have one from the 4th. We were over at some friends for some BBQ and I am talking with the host couple about her new MP3 player and picking out music to record on it. I've had a few beers by now. She offered to help me do it when I purchased one and I said thanks, as long as I get to pick out because I would not want you picking out music I hate, like, say anything from Cher.... thinking this was a safe comment was dumb. Well, the couple proceed to tell me how much they like her music, have most of her music and have seen her in Vegas, Dallas and other places, etc.
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So the hubby and I are watching a football game several years ago and they are measuring for a 1st down. I yelled at the TV, "It's not even close. Can't they see the yellow line?"

Not one of my brighter moments, but what can I say... I'm blond.
 
1997: This headhunter has a job with this company Vignette for me with a shitload of options when the company IPOs; **** that, that'll never be worth anything.

1999: This headhunter has a job with this company Agillion for me with a shitload of options when the company IPOs; **** yeah, this is the ****...
 
1999, we're playing South Carolina in baseball. After a pretty decent battle at the plate, the umpire rings me up on an extremely high fastball:
Me: "That wasn't even f*cking close, it was right below my chin".
Umpire: "Watch your mouth 14, and it's not your call, it's mine".
Me: "Maybe you need another orthopedic shoe, so you can even out your line of sight".

I was immediately tossed from the game, and not a day passes that I don't think about, and regret what I said. In my hot-headedness, I didn't even go back out after the game and apologize to him. Honestly, one of my all time low points.
 
Early to mid 80's I'm standing in line at the 7-11 on 45th and Airport and the clerk and myself start to talk about UT football's fortunes. I immediately go on a rant about how we need to get rid of Akers and how time has passed him by as a coach. Right after my rant, a very pretty girl steps up and gives me one of those looks that can kill and says, " I wish you wouldn't say that, he's my father." I did feel bad, even though I was right and he was fired a couple of months later.

Just today I went to see my doctor. AS I was approaching the nurses' desk to checkout, I came up on a nurse from behind who did not see me. She was leaning over the desk and telling the other nurse (who was trying to motion to her that someone was behind her) that "who does this remind you of, that airhead Elizabeth." At that point she sees me and apologizes and says she was making fun of a co-worker. I don't know why but I replied, "The Elizabeth who works here? That's my cousin!" She apologizes again and says that she was just kidding and that they all love Elizabeth. She then got the heck out of there but the other two did not say anything. You could hear the proverbially pin drop. AS I was leaving I told the receptionist to tell her after a while, that I have no idea who Elizabeth is, and then I left. Gotta admit, I laughed the whole way home.
 
I still can't believe I did this...

A few years ago, a colleague of mine lost her husband to cancer. I didn't see her for several months (over summer vacation). When I first saw her again, gave her a hug, and listened to myself in horror as I started asking her..."How's your husband doing?" It just came out. She was very graceful about it. But man.

I still feel like a heel about that. Wish I could have blamed that on alcohol.
 
am i missing something? why is that so mean to say to an ump?

i've played in kickball league games and after some really bad calls i yelled, "get off your knees ref, you're blowing the game!" he got mad but it was a series of horrible calls. and i was drunk so i guess i dont feel too bad about it...i've said some dumb things but can't think of any at the moment...
 
Exhausted, 11:30 at night, after working 20 hours, I sneak through a "yellow" light at an intersection. Cop pulls me over immediately, asks the standard "Do you know why I pulled you over?". My response "Cause I had my head up my *** and couldn't see you when I decided to try to beat that light?"

Ended up not too dumb, he laughed and eventually let me off with a warning.
 
Not said, but I laughed at myself for the thought.

I was driving home the other day and caught sight of a sign off I35 that said "Women's clothing 90% off" and was fully considering turning around to hit the super-sale before it dawned on me that I was looking at the O Cabaret sign.
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it's off the northbound side of I 35 kinda near dreamers-- basically across from Concordia. (well, at least what used to be concordia)
 
Me, the supervising teacher to a student teacher on her first day in my class: Have you ever lived on campus?
Her: I lived at Dobie.
Me: We called Dobie Hebrew Hilton when I was at UT twenty years ago.
There was a pause.
Me: Lisa, are you Jewish?
Her:Yes.
 
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