What is it with me and women?

B

BigWill

2,500+ Posts
after the well-chronicled ******** with my ex wife a few years back, I just found out that my GF of 3 years, who I live with, is cheating.

Undeniable evidence. Tiger style text messages.

This really sucks. I need to go get some help. I'm 2 for 2 on serious relationships being ended by the other's infidelity.

I never, ever, ever thought that she was capable of something like this. I told her that I felt like something was going on...she called me silly, paranoid, etc.
 
2 for 2 is not a pattern. Even if you made mistakes, you aren't in a position to be objective about it now anyway. Don't beat yourself, up, do other things, and eventually come back to this to see what you can learn moving forward.

On a related note, how far are you from the Trinity river?
 
Good God I love her.

Just met with her. I didn't hear a word she said. It was like Charlie Brown's teacher. "wa ah wa ah wa ah wa"

The usual ********. It meant nothing...I'm a wonderful lover, It was a stupid mistake, bla bla bla.

Yeah, I really feel like a ******* Casanova right about now.

I wrote her a letter last night. Almost 8 pages. Very cathartic. It really helped.
 
The fact you wrote a nearly 8-pg letter despite having enough life experience to have been married and divorced suggests you're wearing your heart on your sleeve. There's no mystery or challenge to hook them and so their interest wanes.

That said, it's not all on you. I think many women, especially younger women, are prone to cheat -- and the average woman has many more opportunities than the average man.
 
It ain't right boss. Once a cheat, always a cheat...Run, there's many a fish in the sea! Concentrate on our next MNC!
 
Ditto the comments above. Drop this one like a rock. Later you can do some reflection. Go spend time with your guy friends and cultivate some anger at this episode-- you must fill the emotional void or more misguided "I love her I miss her I need her" BS will overwhelm your circuits.
 
You and only you can decide whether to continue the relationship. In the immortal words of "Dear Abby," you have to decide if you are better off with her or without her. That is the only consideration. You think about it, talk about it, but you decide.
 
Ohhh, make no mistake. I was out of the house withing 30 minutes of finding out about it.

It's a deal-breaker for me.

I'm trying to figure out how much of my misery is due to the end of the relationship, and how much is due to her infidelity. It's somewhere between 20/80 and 50/50, as best as I can tell.
 
Is any of it a fear of being alone? Not saying there is but maybe a little bit, subconsciously, could be surfacing. It doesn't mean you are weak or anything like that, just human. If so, after some soul searching, you need to address it (again, not saying this is the case).

I don't envy you but am glad that you are going to discard somebody who is throwing away a relationship with a guy that would do anything for her through anything as well. Her loss, Will. You have pain to suffer but it is her loss.
 
I would find something else (ie. not another relationship) more fulfilling and what comes may come.

There can't be much more that burns than a cheating S.O.. Get with a good friend and make sure your picker ain't broken.
 
I guess next time you date someone you'd better ask them a couple dates in whether or not they've ever cheated... once a cheat always a cheat.
 
This is not something the minority of people go through. It's the majority. A golden rule of mine is that if I cannot be happy with myself, by myself, I cannot know what happiness is. You cannot rely on another person all the time, only yourself.

If you don't know what makes you happy nobody else can either. A person can be in a crowded room and be the loneliest person there. Another can be in a cardboard box and be content. The goal is to be the latter.

Another person cannot and does not complete you, ever. They can compliment you and make you better. You complete yourself. You have to have yourself at "hello".

Long nights with soul searching. Here is a song that may or may not help but the lyrics are great as is the song, imho.

The The - Soul Mining.
The Link

Lyrics:

You're floating down a tunnel
In a little wooden box
You're cold and your lonely and enveloped in fog
You've been prised open and left here to die
You should have trusted your instincts
'cause they don't tell lies

Something always goes wrong when things are going right
You swallowed your pride
To quell the pain inside
Someone captured your heart
Like a thief in the night
And squeezed all the juice out until it ran dry

You've been read like an open book
Page by page
You'll never tell anyone your inner thoughts again
You were taken in
By a heart of fools gold
Now you're drifting in circles
In the depths of your soul

Something always goes wrong when things are going right
You swallowed your pride
To quell the pain inside
Someone captured your heart
Like a thief in the night
And squeezed all juice out until it ran dry
(xToFade)
 
Sorry to hear about this.
We've all gone through it (or something close to it). In a way, it doesn't matter why the relationship is ending. (Of course, the why is impossible to ignore.). But, the more you focus on the cheating, the longer it will take to get over. To me, the cheating is a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is that you and this women weren't meant to be together. It could have been cheating or wanting kids or interest in the 'Horns or whatever. It all leads to the same place. You weren't a good fit.

If you focus on the cheating, it will continue to feel like "...if it wasn't for the cheating." To me, that's the wrong way to think about it. I'd advise you think about it as "this relationship ended up not being right for me."

Stay positive. Get out of the house. Go to the gym or hiking trails or whatever exercise you like.

Being unattached isn't horrible. In fact, you might like doing it until the right person comes along.

Plus, you can rejoice in bringing kgp, NewDoc, loop, accuratehorn and Maduro together. Who knew that party affiliation isn't everything about what a person is?
wink.gif

____________________________________________
 
My ex-wife cheated on me although it might have been more a symptom of our imploding relationship than anything else (I do not know or really care at this point what the answer to this issue is since it was about 17 years ago).

I would suggest two things: (1) you should go to counseling to deal with the anger and pain as well as to determine whether this is a pattern with you and (2) I would try to stay out of a relationship for at least six months to a year so that #1 can be addressed. I have noticed a pattern with men who are cheated upon and it is that they tend to latch on to the next female that comes their way. This can compound problems imo.
 
You're a big boy. I trust that you can spend a little time alone, to prove to yourself that the next relationship isn't one you need, it's one you want. Hang in there buddy. Alone isn't necessarily lonely. Run around your house nude. Fart without going to the bathroom. Watch TV no one else you know likes. Find you, then look for someone who likes you.
 
You might laugh, but go to Half Price Books and buy one of the books entitled something like What to Do When Your Relationship Ends. The book will list stages normal people go through when a marriage or serious relationship ends, which are very similar stages we undergo when a loved one passes away. It is normal for a person to feel the way you do, and it takes time to get over it.
You probably don't need to be told not to jump right back into a similar relationship, but that is good advice for now.
Good luck-I went through some bad times when my first marriage failed, not a fun time.
Being needy is not attractive in general, so try to recover and be yourself, and when you are not looking, Ms. Right my just happen to come along at an unexpected future time.
Yeah, take in a few ball games, go to beer tastings, learn to play surf guitar, volunteer at your favorite charity, be a big brother, get active in your church, take up hiking, biking, jogging (no, forget jogging), go to a film festival, you know, have some fun on your own, and you'll feel better after some time passes.
Good luck, it isn't fun, I know.
 
saw the shrink today. Difficult but insightful.

Have my first session with a personal trainer tomorrow. Sailing lessons start next Sunday. The sailing lessons are given by the yacht club, and I'll probably end up joining that just to meet new people.

Still haven't found a suitable place to live, but my work requires me to be in hotels quite often, so it's nothing new for me.

I appreciate the wisdom and kind words.
 
holy ****. I just found her on a dating site. I called her. She said that her sister did it and that she was angry about it. It just keeps getting worse. Or better. I can't decide.
 
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