Making my last stand

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts. I can feel them. There is nothing like the hornfans nation. I got some disappointing news yesterday. The 2 studies the docs were trying to get me into both turned me down. Now I have to hope something else comes along (there are a lot of studies starting up here in SA). I may start a new chemo regimen soon, although I'm not looking forward to it. Meanwhile, I read a lot while my family prays,

Back to the battlefield,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

We tried to cross the river and attack that large Indian village from the north, but we were spotted and driven higher up on the ridge. Now we have formed defensive positions in the classic V-shape across the ridge. Some of the soldiers' rifles are starting to jam and the bullet must be ejected with the aid of a pocket knife. The Springfield has great accuracy and range, but we were all surprised to see the enemy with repeating rifles: Spencers, Henrys, and Winchesters.

I can make out their Chiefs now, leading their warriors right toward us. 'Crazy Horse' ( an Oglala Sioux) on his golden buckskin who is a very slightly built man. However, he learned the fighting strategy of our cavalry and used it against us many times. Today he has printed a hand in maroon on both of his pony's hips. On both sides of the neck he drew an arrow and a bloody scalp. God help us. This one is dangerous because he is smart.

'Rain in the Face'(Hunkpapa Sioux) is also headed right toward us. I wish I had experienced and fearless warriors like he does.

'Gall'(Hunkpapa Sioux), probably the most impressive Indian physically I have ever seen. He is almost 6 feet tall and weighs around 220 lbs of solid muscle. He has the biggest arms of any Indian I have seen in my 10-12 yrs of frontier life. Today he has white stripes painted on his arms and he looks angry. Gall has little use for rifles. He likes to kill with his hatchet, and he is gradually making his way toward our position, occasionally smashing a head or two. I think I need to move everyone further up the ridge...........................
 
That's some bad luck. Sorry to hear that.

You don't need to be strong, you just need to be you. Feel free to be weak at times if that helps you get through the day.

Let us know if there's anything any of us can do for you.
 
Thanks Perham, I appreciate it. So far, I'm holding up OK.
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Wild Bill:


The body is referred to repeatedly by the wise as that clothing which we put on and take off. This is an apt and near-perfect description.

As a physician, you know the body is material trinity from its beginnings as endo-, meso-, ecto- through the chain of evolution (**** Latin/Greek, convert to Northern European: "turning out") to gut, muscle, nerve manifesting in abdomen, thorax, head.

Men of Science, probably including yourself, seek ceaselessly to find the seat of consciousness within this material, but that has always been fruitless, and always will be - and the reason is that consciousness is not "there" and so can not be found.

We measure electricity, gravity, magnetism - but we can not find them as substance and so we resort to saying they result from, or "are", something we call "fields".

The "I" which so many of us experience as a little man in our heads, peering out through the eyes like some driver in a robotic car, is not Material, not Energetic.

Those Scientists who call themselves (astro-)physicists now conceive that our Universe is made up of 99% "dark" matter, "dark" energy - and they do so because their search is as fruitless as that for the seat of Consciousness. It is not only not "where" they are looking, it is where they cannot look, for the simple reason that our perception of Universe is made through the media of our bodies, and they do not have the ability to perceive anything other than Matter and Energy because they are of Matter and Energy.

Consciousness is not Material - it is in, but not of, Matter; it is in, but not of, Energy.

The "I" that in every manner of thinking inhabits your body - and mine, and those of every living thing in this Universe - is in, but not of, the Body.

The "I" that you know of yourself is - quite simply - never going to "die". Not soon when that body, which you have put on like a garment, ceases to be, and not ever.

Those whose bodies continue to sense Universe through Matter and Energy will feel sadness when we no longer perceive you through the medium of your material body. But whoever seeks in the right ways can, and will, come to know that the "I" that is you continues forever to Be.
 
Thanks again to everybody else, I really do appreciate it. I had a setback yesterday, which is something I expected would eventually occur. First, I fell while trying to sit on the toilet (very embarassng), and I landed on my hip on the divide between the shower and the toilet area with my torso in the shower. I think my previous martial arts training helped me land with my weight distributed through my shoulder, hip and leg. No harm done, My helper and I managed to get me back on my feet.
The rest of the day was great. I had 2 left-sided seuzures invoving my face and arm. I haven't had one of those in at least 5 years, so I called the neurolologist, who predictably increased my seizure meds. At least today is good so far.
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on the battlefield......................
I have moved the troops to the highest point that appears to offer some last ditch defense (some day this will be known as "last stand hill"). I ordered the horses shot and the dead bodies stacked around us to form a wall to protect against bullets and arrows. I've pulled my pistol and will take as many as many of these great warriors as I can before they get me. They probably won't recognize me because I'm wearing a buckskin jacket instead of the blue military field uniform, and because I cut my hair for the hot summer. I was known to them as "long hair" or "yellow hair". Now I just look like a an unknown scout. Time is getting short. Not only have they outflanked us here on both sides, but they have gotten behind us as well.

No wonder The Plains Indians are considered the best light calvary in the world.
 
Wild Bill;

As long as you've got bullets left, keep shooting. You never know what can happen, my friend.
 
The last 5-7 days have not been good because I've been getting severe headaches, some which wake me up every 1-2 hrs at night. I talked to my oncologist, who finally got me some good pain meds. However, her only other brilliant recommendation for me was to put me on the Hospice service. I'm afraid time is running out quickly and there is not much I can do about it.
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Back on the battlefield------------------------- I took a bullet to the chest, and I am very thirsty. We will keep shooting until we are killed or run out of ammo.
So far, we are taking at least one Sioux/Cheyanne for every Cavalry/Crow/scout the enemy is taking down.


So far
 
No one here can know what your going through. One thing i can say it makes my problems pale in comparison. Hang in there and you will be in my prayers..
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Godspeed fellow Longhorn. You have certainly demonstrated a fierce spirit and intellect here on this board that belies the struggle you are engaged in. I am certain that your loved ones will carry that pride and strength forward in their own lives. God bless your family.
 
You have my condolences and an "attaboy" for the fighting spirit. I went through a period where my prognosis was probably worse, but is now much better than yours. It's the only way I can possibly identify with what you may have been going through. It has probably amazed even you the fortitude you summoned time after time when you really didn't know how you could pick yourself up again. Or even if you wanted somebody else to pick you up.

At some point in all of our lives we may have to change our mindset from "holding on for them" to "letting go for yourself". When the time is right, I guarantee that you have permission. When the time is right, you will know and you WILL have permission.

I can't remember the exact quote, but it goes like this. If, in trying to help you I am harming myself, then I can be fairly certain that I'm not really helping you.
 
If one is in a fight and they know they cannot win in the end they need to make sure they leave enough bruises, cuts and scrapes on the other so that they KNOW they too were in a fight. Go down swinging for the fences and we have your back! You are always with us and every single time I give a Hook 'em I do it for you just as I do Mihm Rules or any other Longhorn. 'Tis just how it is so you will forever be giving a Hook 'em as long as I breathe oxygen.
 
I am impressed with your courage in reporting your illness, Wild Bill. May you have more good days than bad, and keep your courage up. We are all pulling for you.
 
Thanks again for the kind words. The support from hornfans really does make a differerence. Right now no h/a's. seizures, or increased weakness, and Im just in a holding pattern waiting to hear about new treatment possibilities.
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Sitting on top of this hill looking across at the enemy who is just waiting come finish us off has given me time to realize the mistakes made during this campaign. As commander of the 7th Cavalry, I take full responsibility for the failed battle plan. We made several mistakes, all of which were basic themes taught at West Point:
!) Know the stenghth of the opposing force------- We were first told there were only 800 Indians who had left the reservation, so we prepared for 800.

Later, My trusted scouts(The Crow Indians riding with us) told me they saw the largest Indian villiage they'd ever seen which numbered in the thousands.
I didn't want to believe them.

2) Don't divide your forces in enemy territory--------------I divided our forces in 3, and sent our best officer, Capitain Benteen far to the South to capture the Indians I was sure would be riding away in fear.

Major Reno & I were then going to attack the viillage from opposite ends. But when Maj Reno charged the South end of the Indian camp, he met too much resistance and he stopped and had his men dismount. They were then forced back into a wooded area and the attack on the South side evaporated.
 
I know where you are coming from. My beautiful wife of sixteen years - who has given me three fantastic children, was diagnosed this past Christmas with Pancreatic cancer with metastasis to the liver at the age of THIRTY-EIGHT years.
She was an aerobics instructor in her free time, drank no alcohol, and and was very, very careful about eating healthy.
She was in the best shape of her life this past summer and early fall when she experienced weight loss. Extreme pain that suddenly radiated across her stomach to her back put her in the hospital in late November and led to her diagnosis in late December. She is the youngest patient dx'ed with Pan. cancer by far her Gastroenterologist(Dr. S. Dar) has ever had.
Pancreatic Cancer is a monster and her prognosis is very, very bleak. Our family is completely devastated since this is a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky.
She is getting treatment at the START center on Ewing Halsell and Medical. Her Oncologist is Dr. Lon Smith and we feel her care has been superlative. His specialty is Pan. Cancer and he and his staff came up with cutting edge treatments and hope when others basically said "get your affairs in order".
We feel for you because your plight strikes such a personal chord. We will pray for you and remember that you are a STATISTIC OF ONE(expiration dates are but averages).
Look up Alyssa Brewer and fellow Texan Mark Birch(markbirch.org) for their incredible stories.
God Bless and do not forget you are not alone.

"Man tracht, Got lacht" (Man plans, God laughs)
 
Devil Horn, I am very sorry to hear about your wife. You are right about pancreatic CA. It is a terrible, terrible disease. I took care of many patients in the ICU or operating room with carcinoma of the pancreas in my earlier life practicing medicine.

FWIW, it sounds like you are seeking very good care. I am also being treated at the START center, but I'm seeing Dr Fichtel. If you ever want to talk, pm me. Meanwhile, i'll pray for your wife.
 
My mama died of pancreatic cancer 27 years ago. I am still angry at her killer.

Prayers for you, Wild Bill, and for your wife, Devil Horn.
 
When I was much younger, my greatest friend ever, a man who was a father figure for me, was dying of emphysema. He told something in his last few days that gave me great strength even though I did not understand at the time. He looked me in the eye and said: "You are stronger than you know." He's been gone for almost 20 years and I remember him every day. His words, all the things he told me over the years, have shaped my life.

All the best, Wild Bill.
 
I hadn't seen this thread before, Bill. You are surrounded by people who love you, and there is no day but today.

You and your family are in my prayers.
 
Thanks, BC and the rest of you guys for all the kind words. You're making me choke up reading them, and I don't do that often. Although I'm wheelchair bound, I am stable and keeping up a cheerful attitude for my son. I still get on him for his homework, guitar practice, and sports. So hopefully, things seem as unchanged around here as possible.
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first time i'm seeing this thread as well. i admire the absolute hell out of your fighting spirit and i pray that God gives you the strength both physical and mental to keep firing away at what ails you.

you and your family are most certainly in my prayers. i dont know you, but i look up to you. keep fighting the good fight.
 
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