Making it thru age 35+ as a parent husband

E

EJC+1

250+ Posts
Wow...I didn't know parenting and marriage were going to be so tough. At age 34, I don't know how in the hell I'm gonna make it thru another 10 years of marriage. We've got 1 toddler (in the terrible 2's) and one 6 month old baby. We are totally in limbo right now in terms of taking vacations. Plus, we really don't go out much in terms of nightlife...our marriage is really boring. No wonder everyone at work who is older than me always seems to be in a bad mood.

Didn't Chris Rock say..."Married and bored; or single and lonely"...?

Besides drinking, how do some of you older parents cope?

Is a mid-life crisis inevitable?
 
i'm 31. have a 5 yr old boy and have been married for 6 years. it took us 5 years to understand communication is the key. the last year has been the best.


as far as coping, i excercise compulsively. and watch late night sports.
 
Kids that age are a LOT of work. It can get a much better when they are a little older. Hang in there and try to appreciate that your wife is experiencing the same things. Try to be a team, commiserate with her. Show her love and affection!
 
I'm in the same boat. I've got a 10 year-old and a 19 month-old. The baby is a total pain in the *** ---and I mean that in the best of ways. Non-stop attention this one needs...

An added bonus is that my wife is sort of career driven and and a teacher. Which means that, during the Summer, she gets bored out of her mind and moody. Her four best friends live live at least 200 miles away. So, when I get home from work, soccer game, trivia night, exercising, etc... I get the "you don't do enough around the house" treatment. Even though I'm doing twice as much during the Summer as I do during the school year. It's just a perception thing...

With all the whining I've just done, I still love my family and wouldn't trade them for the world.
 
Remember to enjoy the cute/fun aspects of your kids at this age, because they will grow up so fast and there will be parts of this time that you will miss, believe it or not. No doubt, it is a lot of work, but it does pass quickly.
 
just wait till your 6 month old is older

you haven't seen anything yet

and communication is the key, especially after the 100th time your wife told you
 
Bat **** crazy is right, when my step daughter turned 14 she lost her mind, every time we woudent let her go somewhere we got the your trying to ruin my life speech or your old what do you know about love, I was 30 at the time).
The worst thing was her not understanding that all boys wanted sex from her and love had nothing to do with it.
 
I am 37 and am going through the same thing though I think i have much different feelings on the matter.

Like everything it is what you make of it, and it is all about balance. My wife and I dated 6 years before we got married. We were married 8 years before we had our first child. Fortunately for us we both worked on our careers, and worked on doing most of the things we wanted to do together inlife before having kids.

We have a 4 month old and he is a handful, but we were totally ready to move on in life. We were satiated of our going out 4 nights a week. It is now all about the kid, BUT and there is a big BUT we make sure that at least twice per month we get a sitter or grand parent to watch the baby and we go out with friends. We still do as many of our things we did before we had kids and incorporate him into those. Certainly we cannot do this with everything, but it has made the transition much easier. It has given us a balance of our old life and the new one with our baby. We do not feel like he is a drag or feel we are compromising and this is key. YOu must occasionally get out and have husband, wife and friend time, but realize it is limited and cherish it when you get it. Make sure you do get it, and then refocus on being a parent. Things change, it is not about you anymore per se. THough I do realize you have needs that probably are not getting met. You have to work at it and compromise.

Most importantly you and the wife must communicate and get on the same page with this. You're both the head coach for this new player in your game of life. You guys have to find your balance with your new baby, with your marriage, etc. IT can be done but like everything it takes COMPROMISE and WORK.
 
I'm told it's imperative to have date nights. At 39 with four kids (16 and 11 from one marriage, 6 and 4 from the second) I have a great marriage but I very much wish we had one night a week to just go out with no concerns about what's happening to the kids at home.
I do know I feel encouraged knowing I'm about nine years away from being semi-retired in Orlando.
 
For new baby people realize it may not be feasible economically but consider getting help.

One thing I've noticed with people over here in HK is that babies don't stress people out nearly as much because they have live in helpers that do all the chores, i.e. cooking and cleaning the house, shopping, laundry etc.

The parents still lavish attention on the kids but having the basic house stuff off the table and always having a babysitter is huge.

I'm not suggesting you get a live in but even a little help could go a long way.

My friend has a 2 yr and 2 month and we went out together saturday night and had a great time. His wife pumped all week so she could drink and they had a lot fo fun.

Even if it's once every 2 weeks have someone come over and relieve you of the pain of cleaning the bathroom or whatever, it's very cheap even in the US - I paid my housekeeper in NYC 12 bucks an hour and they can do wonders in that amount of time.
 
1. Make time for you and your wife at least twice a month. A few hours away, a pizza, a pitcher of beer, a movie, etc.

2. Keep a lot of cheap wine-in-a-box around the house. Drink a lot and don't feel guilty about spending so much on booze and not the college fund.
 
My wife and I have a 6 week-old and my wife is still on maternity leave. For the past 2 weeks we have made it a point to take the baby to my parent's for the evening once a week. It is unreal how much my wife looks forward to that evening. She want's to plan the next week's date the second we get home.
 
Hornin's advise on the helper is key too. After about 6 weeks we got her a nanny to come help out with things. She was against it at first, but there is not doubt there is a ton of value to have someone there to take the baby off your hands for an hour or so per day, someone to wash his clothes, do dishes, etc. This has been a huge help to us.
 
Hang in there......

I've got a 12 yo and a 10 yo, been married for 15+ years, am in the best shape of my life, have active and healthy "relations" with the Mrs. as much as I can handle.

It does get better, if you put in the effort and have patience.
 
Luke, you need to give your wife a big hug for being the type of woman secure enough to leave the baby with someone for a night out.
 
31 here, with a 5 month old at home with mom.

Let me just throw one thing out there that I did kind of as a fluke, but has been a HUGE deal for both the wife and I. We have a couple of rocking chairs on the front porch. When the baby goes down at night, we have a 'date' on the front porch. We just talk a little, and share an icee pop, or she might have Oreos, whilst I smoke me a cigar. We just sit and talk, with no technology (we do have the baby moniter out there with us just in case) and nothing to really distract us. We can spend about 30 to 45 min out there and it really is refreshing at the end of each day. We get to unwind together.
 
THEU, that is a great idea!

I might give that a whirl. A delivered pizza and a glass of red wine. Now if only i could control the mosquitos and it being 90 degree at 9pm, everything will be peachy!
 
14 years today. i have a boy 14 and a girl 8 both were born on July25. Sometimes you just have to suck it up. The way i see it is that there is a easy way and a hard way. Dont make so complicated.

I will turn 40 in September. I was looking at it like damn i only have maybe 30 years left. I now say what am i going to do tomorrow.
 
It is not so bad. I raised three kids and never broke a sweat. I'll give you my secret for retaining your sanity. Be gone, alot. I worked overseas/offshore, bought properties far away that I had to be gone to deal with, etc. For me it was better to be gone and miss them than to be there losing my mind. The other upside is you can make a much better living when you open your horizons.

It is probably not for everyone but it has kept me smiling for 30 years
biggrin.gif
 
No offense Sooner, but that doesn't sound like the best parenting technique. I understand needing to get out and away from it all, but only for short periods of time, such as a night out or a weekend away. Purposely taking jobs out of the country is a bit overboard, especially when you're sticking your wife with all the work and the kids are at a young and impressionable age. Plus, you run a much higher risk of missing out on all the good stuff, i.e. first words, first steps, etc.
 
Babysitter co-oping rules! My wife and I have a couple that we are good friends with. Every two weeks we have a rotation. One saturday they watch our kiddo while we go on a date.... two weeks later, we watch their kiddo.... two weeks later, the guys watch the kids and the girls have girlie time. Repeat the cycle... except 6 weeks later the guys hang out while the girls babysit.

This works VERY well. We're gonna add another couple to the cycle soon. It helps though that the wife and I are both good friends with the other couple and 2... both are kids are within 1 month of each other in age.
 
it's a stage that most parents go through. it's a tough shift going from a DINK to having a kid. having the 2nd so close to the first makes it even harder. you get into self preservation mode and become mother and father. you forget that you are also husband and wife. and then you forget about yourselves.

it's easy to see how marriages get into trouble. couples start feeling like this is their life and it's not going to get any better. and then you start looking for ways to break the monotany, looking for excitement and drama (ie in the bed of others). it's a hard time. but hopefully it will confort you to know that most parents go through this. well, if they are concerned about being a good parent anyway.

as others said, make time for each other. it helps if you have family in town that can help baby sit. if not, bite it and spend the money for baby sitting. $100 extra a month for babysitting will seem like an insignificant amount when it's your marriage that you are trying to save.

and lastly, don't forget about time for yourself. and don't forget that your spouse prob needs the same about of me time too. you need me time so that you resentment doesn't build. make sure she allows you to get out and do something for yourself once a week or so. and giver her the same flexibility. go fishing. go work out. go watch a movie by yourself. go hang out w/ a buddy. anything that you can claim as your own memory.

it's definintely the hardest period of parenting but if you once you get through it, the bad times won't seem so bad when you see your kids growing into great human beings.

good luck.
 
I've got one boy who's 4 and another one on the way in October. Age 4 is great -- he can go to ballgames with me now, he can entertain himself independently, he'll actually listen when I tell him something and the tantrums are at a minimum. I am _not_ looking forward to doing the 0-3 years again.

So, what I'm saying is it gets better. Be patient.
 
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