Hypothetical wife/stepdaughter situation

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ptownhorn

1,000+ Posts
So I have been seeing this woman and she has a 12 yr old daughter. I'm 35 and she is 31. Say we get married and she moves into my house which I own outright..

everything is going smooth, until the girl is 16. Whammo, she gets pregnant.

I see 4 things that could happen from here... 3 of them aint good.

1 abortion
2 she will want to keep the kid
3 she will give the child up for adoption.
4. she will have the kid and my wife will want us to adopt the kid so her daughter can go to college, etc.

Now, how big of an ******* would I be if I refused the daughter/grand child shelter under my roof?

Has anybody known anyone that has gone through something like this?

I have no children. I would want a child w/ my wife before I would raise her grand child as my own.
 
Yep, you are marrying a family, not just a wife. If the situation isn't what you are looking for, remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't ruin the 12 year old girl's life by marrying her mom and then disregarding the kid.
 
you are marrying a family, not just a wife.

Can't say it with any more emphasis than that. If you are not 1000% percent sure you could love and treat the daughter as if she were your own, then you have no business marrying the mother.
 
Also, consider the fact you wili be raising another man's daugther.

Unless the guy has an addiction issue or beat his wife, you are going to have to commit to work with her father to do what is best for the girl. He will always be her dad and she will need him to be a big part of her life.

If you are not the type who can handle facilitating and encouraging that relationship, look elsewhere for someone to marry.
 
+1 on every comment.


Don't marry her, btw. It won't workout if you're already thinking about this. A bit paranoid, bro. Gotta take marriage a bit more seriously as well.
 
I'll pile on:

If you are not 100 percent committed to thinking of her daughter as your own, you are not ready to marry this woman.

And you'd be the biggest ******* in the world to kick the daughter out.
 
You won't have to worry about it, because your new wife will divorce you if you try to keep her daughter and grandkid out of your house. Let me guess -- you haven't brought this up with your girlfriend, have you?

Disclosure: my wife was the mother of a 10-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy when we got married in 2001. So far, no pregnancies, no evictions, no problems. They're great kids, and I hope I've had a bit to do with that.
 
You guys are ruthless :) Hypotheticals man

If I had a 16 yr old daughter who was my own child and she gets pregnant, this changes things just a bit. I would be 51 yrs old at this point, not 38. I would have had plenty of time to have been a father and now ready to be a grandpa at 51, not 38 (remember, in my hypothetical, I don't have a child of my own yet)

Not trying to get religious on you but I beleive the bible says.
Love of God
Love of Spouse
Love of child

Call me selfish but I would fear being way down on the list of priorities of my wife. Not saying it would be true, but I fear my wife placing her priorities as God, the baby, her daughter, and then when everything else is done, a little attention for the 38 yr old step grandfather.

If we had met in our early twenties and had a baby together already and I had raised her daughter for many years as my own, then I may feel differently

Since I have never married, no kids, I have been able to pay the house off. It would really suck that I finally find love/marriage and then turn around and be ignored in my own home. Not saying I would, but I would be worried about it

Threw this same hypothetical at a guy from my work. He states he actually knew two men this happened to. Both ended in divorce.
 
Are you really bringing in the bible into a hypothetical conversation concerning the possibility of

a) throwing your hypothetical pregnant step-daughter out of your house
b) asking a mother to choose between you or her own daughter
c) divorce
???

Seriously?
 
Best bet is to communicate expectations before you get married, and possibly, even before getting engaged.

Your worries about what the Bible says may not apply if your girlfriend is not a believer, she may not buy into that, even if you do.

As much as I would emphathize with your "hypothetical" situation (believe me, i wouldn't want to shoulder that responsibility either, the kid should be the responsibility of the parent, not the grandparent), it would be a dick move.

The problem with marriage in our culture is the couple does not communicate their expectations and their anxieties about marriage before they actually get married. You need to be sure that you want to marry that person and work out your problems should they arise, rather than think of divorce, which isn't an option in my opinion, barring the outs listed in the Bible.

If you can't discuss this with her, then you shouldn't be getting married into that situation, because as others say, you accept all of the woman's baggage in marriage.
 
I don't think you are ready to be married. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to raise a step grandkid when you are 38 but then you should never have started dating a women with a child. No parent wants to raise their grandkid but that's is a potential result of having kids.

You should do yourself a favor and either break it off with this woman or go talk with a counselor. For this marriage to work you might have to get past the idea that the 12 year old is someone elses child. She's yours as well if you marry her mom.
 
Thanks for the insights on these last two posts.

I agree it is something I should talk to the future wife about before you got married. hell, she may be in the same boat. Maybe she will have her daughter on birth control by the age of 14 even if the daughter says she is not having sex.

There's a good idea!!

To all the people who think Im an ******* if I don't want to be changing diapers for a step grandchild when I'm 38, then I can live with that.... I'm an ******* then.
 
texas is a community property state. fyi. so if you own your house "outright" prior to getting married - guess what? you now both own your house outright.
 
I don't think he is too immature or self-centered for marriage, that is unfair. I do think you don't have any business marrying somebody with a teenage daughter if this concerns you as a potential problem. I seriously doubt the mom wants or hopes to encounter this problem as well. The last thing she would want is anything but support from her spouse, her best friend, her confidant. Instead she would get stress and problems. That's not what husband and wife should so.

Seriously consider your plans for marriage for this person. To love a person you have to love what comes with them to, be it credit problems, health issues or even kids and all circumstances that may evolve. You do not qualify for this person. You are the guy that almost has all the job skills and experience but you are not quite there.

Maybe over the next few weeks you can develop those skills but if not, apply elsewhere. This lady and her child deserve better and right now you ain't it. Not that you can't but now, no. This benefits you too.

I agree that it is good you at least realize a potential problem later down the road and are addressing it. This should be a deal breaker for you unless you somehow bring yourself to peace with it. Including her in the process somehow is imperative.

Just be open, honest and vulnerable with her. This is something that many women find very sexy in a man if and when one opens up. Tell her how your mind is running wild with crazy scenarios and stressing you out for now reason that you want her input. Don't use terms like YOUR HOUSE or YOUR ROOF over their heads. You know better than that.

Question. Have you and her discussed marriage yet in a serious way? Is this a possibility that you have not conveyed? If not, you should not raise these questions with her. Are you guys living together or does she stay at your place more than hers? Do you and the daughter get along? Where is the real father in all of this and what is he like?

Okay, questions.
 
HH, homestead rights are different from CP rights. If someone owns a house before marriage, that house is the separate property of the owner after marriage. If the owner subsequently died, the surviving spouse would have a homestead right, but that's not the same as ownership.
 
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