Best movie rants of all time?

Minirants:Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
--

Little Girl: (looking at a Magic Eye poster) Wow, a schooner.
Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It’s not a schooner… it’s a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head.
Willam Black: You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! That’s just a guy in a suit!
 
Dialogs are not rants IMO.

But what the hell... I would add I liked the Cheech ***** rant in Dusk til Dawn. And Gil Bellows rant while robbing the convenience store at the beginning of Love and a .45

"Go with the green light Daddio!"
 
Samuel Jackson in Deep Blue sea, although its very short. But that rant has the best ending with him getting eaten by a shark.
 
I agree with YoLaDu about A Few Good Men. It's warmed over Caine Mutiny without the gut punch of the earlier movie's post trial sequence.
 
Professor Terguson: Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; while ******* like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to the ******* Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me. . . I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.

Professor Terguson: You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China? Then take the ******* wall apart? Brick by brick and nuke them back into the ******* stone age forever? Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!

Thornton Melon: All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a ***** wimp to let MacArthur go in there and blow out those Commie ********!

Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.

Thornton Melon: Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.

Back to School
 
From Five Easy Pieces:

Samia Glavia: ...It was just what I was trying to point out...
Bobby: [interrupting] Don't sit there pointing at her.
Samia Glavia: I beg your pardon.
Bobby: I said don't point at her, you creep.
Samia Glavia: But I was just telling about...
Bobby: Where do you get the *** to tell anybody anything about class, or who the hell's got it, or what she typifies? You shouldn't even be in the same room with her, you pompous celibate... You're totally full of ****! You're all full of ****.
 
Red: There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a ******** word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a ****.
 
Not necessarily rants but there are multiple monologues from Wall Street that I love. Particularly, GG's "Greed is good" speech. I also like his rant at the end of the movie when Bud is wearing the wire.
 
Not sure if ths qualifies as a rant, and it is a bit long - but I think it's worth including...

Scene 1
MANDRAKE
Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a gun?

RIPPER
Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we're chatting here so enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of recalling the wing, there will be only one course of action open: total committment. Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?

MANDRAKE
No. I don't think I do sir, no.

RIPPER
He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said that, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

Scene 2
MANDRAKE
Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of the room, away from all this flying glass?

RIPPER
Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,
flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake. Children's ice cream?

MANDRAKE
Good Lord.

RIPPER
You know when fluoridation first began?

MANDRAKE
No. No, I don't, Jack. No.

RIPPER
Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard core commie works.

MANDRAKE
Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well, develop this theory.

RIPPER
Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.

Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence.

MANDRAKE
Yes...

RIPPER
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.

MANDRAKE
Heh heh... yes.

YouTube linkage
 
Speaking of Blazing Saddles, this has to be the best rant, from the eloquent Gabby Johnson:
I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
 
Affleck in Boiler Room is right up there with Glengarry.

JIM: I'm sorry, but that's my seat.
MARC: Oh man, I'm so sorry.

JIM: It's alright.

RUDE KID: ******* dumb-***.

JIM: You can get the **** out of here.

RUDE KID: What? What?

JIM: Don't talk to me, don't look at me, just pick your *** up out of that Italian leather chair and get the **** out of this room. We expect everyone here to treat their co-workers with a certain level of respect.

JIM: Now before I get started I have a question. Has anyone here passed the series seven?
SERIES SEVEN: I have a series seven license.

JIM: Good for you, now you can get out too.

SERIES SEVEN: What? Why?

JIM: Because we don't hire brokers. We train new ones.

JIM: This is the deal. I am not here to waste your time and I can only hope you're not here to waste mine. So I'm gonna keep this short. You become an employee of this firm and you will make your first million within three years. Okay? Let me repeat that. You will make a million dollars within three years of your first day of employment at JT Marlin. Everybody got that? There is no question as to whether you will be a millionaire working at this firm, the question is how many times over.

JIM: You think I'm joking. I am not joking. I am a millionaire. It's a weird thing to hear, right? I'll tell you, it's a weird thing to say. I'm a ******* millionaire. Now guess how old I am? Twenty-seven. You know what that makes me here? A ******* senior citizen. This firm is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine. Lucky for me, I am very ******* good at my job or I'd be out of one. You guys are the new blood. You're gonna go home with the kesef. You're the future Big- Swinging-Dicks of this firm. Now you all look money hungry and that's good. Anybody who says money is the root of all evil, doesn't have it! Money can't buy happiness? Look at the ******* smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. You wanna hear details? I drive a Ferrari 355 cabriolet. I have a ridiculous house on the South Fork. I've got every toy you can imagine. And best of all, kids, I am liquid.

JIM: So now that you know what's possible, let me tell you what's required. You are required to work your *** off. We want winners, not pikers. A piker is someone who walks at the bell. A piker asks how much vacation time he gets in the first year. See, people work here to become filthy rich. No other reason. That's it. You want vacation time? Go teach third grade public school.

JIM: Your first six months at the firm are as a trainee... you make one hundred and fifty dollars a week. After you're done training, you take the Series Seven test. When you pass, you become a junior broker and you'll be opening accounts for your team leader. After you open forty accounts you begin working for yourself and then... sky's the limit. Now a word about being a trainee. The other brokers, your parents, whoever: they're gonna give you **** about it. And it's true, a hundred and fifty a week is not a lot of money, but pay no mind. You need to learn the business and this is the time to do it. Once you pass the Series Seven none of it will matter.

JIM: Your friends are ****. You're gonna tell them you made twenty-five thousand last month and they're not going to believe you. **** them! Your parents don't like the life you lead? **** you Mom and Dad! As a trainee you will be building a foundation for yourself. Think of it as the foundation to a building. Right? Gotta build the foundation before you can put up your skyscraper. You know what I built? The ******* twin towers. Now go home and think about whether this is for you. If you decide it isn't, nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not for everyone. But if you really want it, then give me a call on Monday and we'll talk. Just don't waste my time. Alright. That's it.
 
1 - Steve Martin at the car rental counter in Planes, Trains & Automobiles
2 - Chevy Chase in Family Vacation
3 - John Belushi in Animal House

Honorable Mention
From The Caine Mutiny

Lt. Greenwald: When I was studying law, and Mr. Keefer here was writing his stories, and you, Willie, were tearing up the playing fields of dear old Princeton, who was standing guard over this fat, dumb, happy country of ours, eh? Not us. Oh, no! We knew you couldn't make any money in the service. So who did the dirty work for us? Queeg did! And a lot of other guys, tough, sharp guys who didn't crack up like Queeg.
Lt. Keith: But no matter what, Captain Queeg endangered the ship and the lives of the men.
Lt. Greenwald: He didn't endanger anybody's life! You did! All of you! You're a fine bunch of officers.

Lt. Greenwald: Tell me, Steve, after the Yellowstain business, Queeg came to you guys for help and you turned him down, didn't you?
Lt. Maryk: Yes, we did.
Lt. Greenwald: You didn't approve of his conduct as an officer. He wasn't worthy of your loyalty. So you turned on him. You ragged him. You made up songs about him. If you'd given Queeg the loyalty he needed, do you suppose the whole issue would have come up in the typhoon?

Lt. Greenwald: And now we come to the man who should have stood trial. The Caine's favorite author. The Shakespeare whose testimony nearly sunk us all. Tell 'em, Keefer.
Lt. Keefer: No, you go ahead. You're telling it better.
Lt. Greenwald: You ought to read his testimony. He never even HEARD of Captain Queeg!
Lt. Maryk: Let's forget it, Barney.
Lt. Greenwald: Queeg was sick, he couldn't help himself. But you, you're real healthy. Only you didn't have one-tenth the guts that he had.
Lt. Keefer: Except I never fooled myself, Mr. Greenwald.
Lt. Greenwald: I wanna drink a toast to you, Mr. Keefer. From the beginning you hated the Navy. And then you thought up this whole idea and you managed to keep your skirts nice and starched and clean, even in the court martial. Steve Maryk will always be remembered as a mutineer. But you, you'll publish your novel, you'll make a million bucks, you'll marry a big movie star, and for the rest of your life you'll live with your conscience, if you have any. Here's to the real author of the Caine mutiny. Here's to you, Mr. Keefer.
[Splashes wine in Keefer's face]
Lt. Greenwald: If you wanna do anything about it, I'll be outside. I'm a lot drunker than you are - so it'll be a fair fight.
 
Jack:
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
What are you doing down here?

Wendy:
I just...wanted...to talk to you.

Jack:
Okay.
Let's talk.
What do you want to talk about?

Wendy:
I can't really remember.

Jack:
You can't remember.

Wendy:
No...I can't.

Jack:
Maybe it was about Danny?
Maybe it was about him.
I think we should discuss Danny.
I think...we should discuss what should be done with him.
What should be done with him?

Wendy:
I don't know.

Jack:
I don't think that's true.
I think you have some very definite ideas about what should be done with Danny. And I'd like to know what they are.

Wendy:
Well, I...I think maybe he should be taken to a doctor.

Jack:
You think "maybe" he should be taken to a doctor?
When do you think "maybe" he should be taken to a doctor?

Wendy:
As soon as possible?

Jack:
"As soon as possible?"

Wendy:
Please.

Jack:
You believe his health might be at stake.

Wendy:
Yes.

Jack:
And you are concerned about him.
And are you concerned about me?

Wendy:
Of course l am.

Jack:
Of course you are!
Have you ever thought about my responsibilities?

Wendy:
What are you talking about?

Jack:
Have you ever had a single moment's thought about my responsibilities?
Have you ever thought for a single solitary moment... about my responsibilities to my employers?
Has is ever occurred to you...that l have agreed to look after the Overlook hotel until May the 1st? Does it matter to you at all... that the owners have placed their complete confidence and trust in me... and that l have signed a letter of agreement...a contract...in which I've accepted that responsibility? Do you have the slightest idea...what a moral and ethical principal is? Do you? Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future...if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities? Has it ever occurred to you? Has it?

Wendy:
Stay away from me!

Jack:
Why?

Wendy:
l just want to go back to my room.

Jack:
Why?

Wendy:
Well...I'm very confused. And l just need a chance to think things over.

Jack:
You've had your whole ******* life to think things over! What good's a few minutes more going to do you now?

Wendy:
Stay away from me!
Please!
Don't hurt me.

Jack:
I'm not going to hurt you.

Wendy:
Stay away from me!
Stay away!

Jack:
Wendy…darling...light of my life. I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, "I'm not going to hurt you." I'm just going to bash your brains in. I'm going to bash them right the **** in.

greatness
 
Another Nicholson classic from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:
McMurphy: [exasperated] Aw come on, you're not gonna say that now! You're not gonna say that now! You're gonna pull that hen house ****? Now when the vote... the Chief just voted - it was 10 to 9. Now I want that television set turned on *right now*!
 
I prefer the more subtle anger of Milton...

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
............................
Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy, let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told...
Nina: Just pass.
[while the cake passes Milton mutters - eventually everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.
..................................
[last lines]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.
 
Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?
Man in Black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!
Man in Black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
Vizzini: [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks. Vizzini swaps the goblets]
Man in Black: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
Man in Black, Vizzini: [they drink ]
Man in Black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
 
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