t took me a little while to figure this out, but once I became more settled in college, I met my first Asian boyfriend, who ended up being my husband. Sadly, he also became my ex-husband. This relationship was followed by one with another Asian male. Suffice it to say, I went a decade without the thought of white men or Asian fetish even crossing my mind.
Now it’s something I think about every day, because of said fiancé.
He came into my life during a period when I had sworn off men. I had been in relationships my entire adult life and just wanted to focus on myself. “Single for five years!” I declared my goal proudly. Eleven months later, he showed up at my door.
He was there for a party I was hosting, and he didn’t hit on me. He asked me questions and listened to my answers. We discovered we had gone to the same college, had the exact same self-made major, were both left-handed, loved to write, didn’t drink and couldn’t handle spicy food. A mutual friend we both loved was sick, and we initially started seeing each other just to visit her in the hospital. One evening we found ourselves alone together. I told him my plan to be single for a long time and that we could only be friends. He told me that he honestly felt more but would respect my needs. He never pushed, but we kept seeing each other, kept asking each other questions, listening to the answers. It never got boring.
As I started to consider lifting my relationship ban, that old white ghost came back again: the whispers of Asian fetish. He has a pattern of dating Asian women. Do you know how many Asian girlfriends he’s had? He just might have an Asian fetish.
“What the ****?!” I demanded of him.
“I’ve never seen it that way!” he insisted. “I grew up in Cupertino, so most of my classmates were Asian, and not all of my girlfriends have been Asian … but yes, most I guess. I just never thought about it.”
I rolled my eyes at the luxury white men have to not think about race in their daily lives. I, on the other hand, started obsessing over it. I couldn’t be the girlfriend of someone who had an Asian fetish because that would make me complicit in a pattern that was rooted in violence and colonization. I was busy trying to be a progressive, independent woman and an Asian fetish boyfriend did not fit the bill.