Toddler tantrums

W

wolfman

1,000+ Posts
I have a 19 month old daughter and lately she has gone into tantrums when she does not get her way. She will screem at the top of her lungs and fall down crying. Sometimes it happens when we put her in her car seat. She arches her back, screems, and fights getting inot the seat. Most times it has nothing to do with the car seat though. It is horrible for a parent to watch her do this.

Sometimes I think it is to get attention because my wife and her Mom tend to pick my daughter up when she does this. Sometimes this makes things better, sometimes not. I was thinking of just ignoring her when she does this. Does anyone have experience with this kind of behavior? I keep thinking that it is a phase that she is going through. She is not 2 years old yet, but could this be the start of the terrible 2's?
 
You can't give in. If she learns that throwing a tantrum gets her what she wants, she will throw more tantrums. My wife and I ignored the tantrums, and sometimes laughed when our kids threw a tantrum, and that worked for us.
 
I keep thinking that it is a phase that she is going through. She is not 2 years old yet, but could this be the start of the terrible 2's?
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yes it is, it passes when they can communicate better and form sentences around 3.
 
laugh and tell her she's being silly. our son has learned that he DOES NOT get what he wants through tantrums. i always ignored them, and they have decreased significantly in frequency.
 
When my 25 m.o. gets close to that stage, and starts acting like a brat, we just put him in his room, usually we will put him in his bed, and he has learned he has to stay in bed. Other times, we just put him in there and let him play, but we remove him from the general vicinity of adults.

The thing that scares me is that he has, from almost the beginning, from the sitting position just slam backwards. Luckily we have carpet, but I don't exactly want him doing it repetition, so I get him away from us so he can't do it for attention. That's about as far as the tantrums go in our house, and I really hope the headbanging stops soon.

You absolutely cannot cave to their demands. If you do it right 10 times, and cave once, you have to start from square one again.
 
I don't think there is anything unusual about a 19 month old having tantrums.

Tantrums are, as far as I can tell, the result of a child's inability to communicate the full spectrum of their emotions and desires and their relative inexperience. The child is, in a very real way, searching for guidance and boundaries, shape and meaning. They release tension and are a first step toward parsing out how objectives are to be obtained. I try not to laugh to much at tantrums, but sometimes it is just hilarious--stiff as a board, squealing screams, etc., -- because, as an adult, not only are the issues almost always silly, you can see it will pass as though nothing had ever happened.

As everyone will tell you, while it may be uncomfortable to witness, and while there is an urge to give in so that it will stop, the child must learn that the tantrum strategy is a dead end, especially when imperatives are involved (car seat, appropriate clothing, bed time, etc.). My 3.75 year old daughter is incredibly particular about everything she does and will not suffer deviations from her plans easily. Still, she understands that, if she does not control the way she acts out from frustration or anger, she will be corrected and, as often as not, sent to her bed with the door closed -- we will listen and work with her to see that her reasonable desires are met, but the first step is avoiding the non-starter of tantrum-like behavior.
 
I'll echo what many have said. Kids that age don't have the vocabulary to express their emotions. They want some attention whether it is positive or negative. Remove the kid from the situation, lets them know it won't be tolerated. Another good idea is to remove YOURSELF from the situation. I know there were times that I did not react properly because I was so frustrated with the tantrum. Don't sweat it, my 9yr old could throw the tantrum of all tantrums and he is a pure sweetheart these days. Enjoy the tantrums, they're more entertaining if you take a step back and watch their little faces get all worked up!
 
First-- I think it's important that I say I don't have kids of my own.

However, It's my job to correct behaviors, so, take this for what you will.

It's very important that you determine WHY kid is having tantrums-- what does she expect to get? Every behavior has a function. 2 year old's behavior is complicated by their inability to communicate.

Now, your main causes of behaviors are:
to obtain attention
To obtain a tanglible
to escape
to self stimulate/ entertain yourself.

Before I get any deeper into this, you need to realize that the only way to change your kid's behavior is to change YOUR behavior.

So, for example-- ignoring the tantrum will work if the kid is trying to get attention. It's very likely that getting attention has a component to all of the tantrums since she can't communicate. When a tantrum starts, State clearly, " I see you're ____ (angry, sad, hungry, etc.) But I don't listen to _____ (screaming, crying, whining,) voices." Then walk away. Don't get into conversations about their feelings, why you won't talk, blah blah-- a 2 year old doesn't get that. If they follow you, continue to move away. Also, be sure to clearly communicate to the other parent or older siblings that may be around what you just told the kid-- I told the baby that I don't listen to screaming voices, and that we would talk when she calms down. (In my expirience, visitors around the house can increase a problem behavior by coddling the kid when the parent is trying to ignore it.) As soon as the kid calms down, figure out what they want and give it to them. (attention, story time, whatever.)

If the behavior is to attain a tangible, then the answer is simple-- they don't get it until the tantrum stops. Don't remove the item from the area-- keep it where the kid can see it, (cause sooner or later they'll just forget what they were fitting about and move on.)

OK-- I had to get up and go deal w/ a situation so now I lost my train of thought... let me move on....

So, it's really important that you pay attention to your own behaviors. A lot of parents are more tolerant of stuff like whining, having to repeat directions, etc, earlier in the day then they are later in the day. The kids whining may not bother you as much in the morning, but by the afternoon you're getting tired and your patience has worn thin. You need to make sure you're responding the same way in the morning that you are in the evening when you're tired. When you don't respond consistantly it confuses and frustrates the kid, which is only going to escalate the behavior.

As for the car seat, I'd suggest taking it out of the car and putting it in the family room. Reward the kid for sitting in it-- at maybe with a bite of cookie or something and lots of praise. The kid will learn that they get a reward, and if they get the reward for getting in the seat in the car, it should get easier.

You might want to look at the car environment too, though. Do you have the little sun visor things on the windows? If so, your kid may be getting car sick b/c they can;t see out. Do you yell at other drivers and get tense when you're driving? your kid may be doing this to avoid seeing her parent get angry in the car.

One last thought-- I used to be a nanny. When their middle son was about 16 months old, he started throwing tantrums. We could not figure out why-- he would scream and thrash, hit his head on the ground, until he fell asleep. When he was about 4 he suddenly started sluring words and losing coordination. The doctors figure out that he had an infection in his brain that had been slowly gathering steam for years-- the tantrums were because the kid was having headaches. My point w/ this story is that, when tantrums seem so random and pointless, there could be a medical explination.

I'm afraid to know how many words I misspelled.
 
it will pass.

My twin boys are 2 1/2 now and although at times their demands coupled with the lack of logic behind them can get frustrating, the more they learn to communicate verbally, the easier it gets.
 
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