Today was a bad day

F

FattyMac

100+ Posts
My ex-wife and son live in Houston, as do I. He's 15 and was fortunate to be the only 9th grade student accepted to the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts (HSPVA) as a percussionist. He's had a great year, and I've become somewhat of a "little league" father, going to all his concerts and generally bragging about him to anyone who'd endure listening to me.
Yesterday, his 1/2 brother brother (her son by another marriage) overheard him talking about the significance of 4/20, and tells his mother. Then, the school calls her today and says he'd been seen off campus during lunch and that it would be noted in his file. She volunteers to the school administrator the significance of the day, and that it might be involved in smoking pot. She suggests they search him. Sure enough, he's got a small amount on him. He's suspended for 3 days pending finial disposition, which may mean expulsion to an alternative school. It most certainly (Ilikely) means he's out of the program..His home school is Waltrip for those of you who know Houston. I'm sick with depression. I'm disappointed in him, but am feeling extremely angry toward the ex and her son. I don't condone what he did, but why did she have to encourage the school to do something that they were not already inclined to do? I admit this might be enabling behavior on my part, but my feeling is we could have handled this internally - as a family - and salvaged his opportunity. He's never been in any trouble to this point. This is the worst I've felt in a long time.
Feedback encouraged. Thanks.
 
FIGHT for him to have a second chance at the school. FIGHT. FIGHT.

You are teaching him what it is to be a father. He made a mistake - a stupid mistake. Teach him the value of second chances. Show him how he should stand up for his child when he becomes a father some day.

And his mother is a piece of work.
 
The bad news: he will most definately be sent to an alternative campus. Possession is a maditory removal offense.

Magnet programs have strict behavior rules, so there's a good chance he'll be removed from that, too.

It's too bad your ex wants to sabatoge his chances though. What parent does that? (Ok-- I've seen parents do that, but they're the parents who are at their wits end and see any way to get through to their kids other than jail.)

Not being able to go to a fine arts high school is not going to ruin his chances to make it in life. It sucks that he won't have that expirience though. I'd be more worried about the type of kids he's going to be exposed to while in an alternative setting than the fact that he might have to go to a regular high school. Drugs flow like water in those places, and he'll make all sorts of negative connections.

You can't remove a child for more than one school yeat though, so at least he'll only be placed for 30-ish days.

If I were you, I'd make a point of visiting the Alternative center before you agree to let your child go there. It might be better to "homeschool" before you expose your child to that environment.

But you have to understand, possession on a school campus is a HUGE deal. If they didn't have him arrested, you're at least a step ahead on that front.
 
The ridiculous thing is that Houston's High School for the Performing and Visual Arts (HSPVA), like Dallas' Arts Magnate (Booker T. Washington) is a school that probably has the highest per-capita of students in possession on campus in the city.

My roommate in LA went to the Dallas arts magnate and although she went several years ago, several of her high school memories involved people getting stoned at school or right after school.

I can't say I agree with your wife's actions, but I don't know the situation. It might be the thing that stops a downward slide, or it could be the tipping point that screws up his life. I don't know. But good luck with everything.

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FattyMac, becoming depressed about this is not the correct way to respond. I am totally sympathetic to your situation however be a real Father and step up to the fact that possession is a very serious matter.

Your son needs to understand the world of consequences and taking accountability for one's actions. Principal over matter is what impressionable aged teenagers need. Otherwise you are an enabler and will only allow, what could turn into an addiction, the matter to perpetuate.

There ARE second chances in life. But to fight only to demonstrate to your son that the system can be worked is not taking the best actions for your son or any child for that matter. He, like all of us, is NOT entitled to anything. Everything of true value in life is earned.

God bless you all during this trying time.
 
Wow! What a thoughtless and inconsiderate woman your ex is. What does she have to say about the fact that he might not be facing expulsion if she had only used her brain for a minute? Does she feel any guilt at all for this screw up?
 
Fattymac,
You have my sympathy. That is a nightmare for any parent.

Your post seems to indicate that you ex had reason to believe or suspect that your son was involved with pot, or at least considering it. If I overheard my son talking about the significance of an upcoming day, I wouldn't jump right to the conclusion that it involved grass. Did your son have some history with pot, or a suspicion of same, that you're aware of?

Look on the bright side: maybe this incident is the chain yank he needed to make him aware of the possible consequences of illegal activity before something more serious happened (not to imply at all that your son was headed for a life of crime). Out of curiosity, how would you and your ex have handled it privately? For that matter, prior to 4/20, how did you or your ex handle your suspicion (see my comments above) that he might be leaning toward experimenting with marijuana? Again, the fact that she accurately predicted what he might be up to on 4/20 is just too coincidental to occur without any prior suspicions.
 
Agreed. I would not put any focus on the Ex in this matter.....nothing good will come of it. Stay focused on your son and his future. Be a Dad, not an ex-husband.
 
HousHorn09, you're overstating the obvious in my opinion and completely missing the point by a country mile by indicting those that listened to the original poster’s concerns over the ex throwing "their" son to the wolves instead of possibly dealing with this in a family manner.

This is not "Nazi" Germany.


In reply to:
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Your son did something stupid, but good God tell me a 15yr old boy who hasn't done something stupid. He needs to take his punishment like a man, and he's going to take your lead on this. Whatever the punishment is, it is, but your his dad and he needs to know that although you're disappointed in what he did, that it doesn't change one thing between y'all. A boy looks to his dad, and this is nothing but an opportunity for you to step up and fill that fantastic role we get to have as dads.
It won't do any good to get pissed at the ex-wife or the school, it will do good to be the one person whom your son feels comfortable turning to in this bad situation.
Good luck to you and your son, this too shall pass. Being a dad to teenage boys comes with many bumps, but you know as well as all the other dads on this board, that the joy that a son brings you far outweighs these incidents.
 
I had no idea about 420 until I googled it a minute ago.

Anyway, sorry about your trouble. Lives are long and take many turns. You can't tell until some time passes what was a good turn and what was a bad.

In high school, my athletic aspirations were destroyed by three knee injuries and two operations in under 20 months. I was a promising lineman and likely would have got an offer to go somewhere to college. I bitterly miss that I never played a varsity down, but there is little doubt in my mind that other doors opened as I applied myself to other things.

My guess is that my life could hardly have turned out better had I lettered those three years. For one thing, I doubt I was good enough to be offered by Texas. My education at the University was first rate. Not so sure it would have been the same at SFA or wherever I might have ended up.

If your son has a gift, he doesn't have to be in the special program to develop. There are other paths. Further, maybe you'll find something else that he loves even more.

He's young, there's no telling how this will all turn out. Good luck to you and him.
 
You are directing your anger at the wrong people...your ex and her son....they did nothing wrong. She did not throw him under the bus; on the contrary, maybe, just maybe it was to scare him so bad that he would think twice the next time...

Because you are divorced, it quite possibly could mean that you and her have very different opinions on how to handle this on your own...what if you both disagree? Who wins? that in itself, would hurt your son in the future...

He had to learn this lesson the hard way...I give her kudos for doing what no doubt, was one of the hardest decisions she had to make thus far for your son.

If he learns from it, then no harm done......

Now focus on what you can do for him NOW.....his life is not over because of this. Tough Love....

I wish you much luck and prayers.
 
If it makes you feel better, if he's carrying pot around so freely in the 8th grade, he was going to be caught some time soon. He was going to be at the same point he's at now, right? Whether they found it on him now or in a week/month/year?

He may still be young enough for a wake up call like this one to shake him up. By the time he's 17/18 there's not much you can do to change him IMO.
 
For what its worth, Waltrip isn't that bad. And there are some decent private schools around Waltrip. Is that an option?
 
UPDATE - I want to first thank all who took the time to weigh in and provide me with perceptive - even (especially) if I wasn't inclined to agree. This exemplifies the best of Hornfans - a place where one can go to get feedback and perspective when faced with significant challenges.

My son was suspended last Friday, as I suspected he would be. He will start at a program called "Crossroads" located in the Heights. I'm still researching this program, so if anyone knows anything about it I would appreciate your feedback. I was told that it is specifically for drug offenders (users). Very little information is provided on HISDs website. I'll be visiting the program and monitoring things closely. Home schooling was not an option. We were told that HISD would not accept home schooling in lieu of an alternative program. The suspension is for 45 days, so he'll also have to attend there for the first part of next year. He did write a letter of apology and contrition to the principal at HSPVA. They said that there is no final decision on whether he'll be allowed back into the program -- a decision will be made in June. Fortunately for him, school charges will be dropped if he completes the program, so hopefully no juvenile record. He's never been in any trouble, makes decent grades, and has had good conduct reports up to now.

Thanks again for your support and perspective.
 
Sometimes when we do something stupid and get kicked in the *** for it, then we are less likely to do something worse. At least I hope so, Good luck to your son.

Life will certainly take its turns. Our youth have so many obstacles and little guidance these days. We've always had temptations, it seems today, there's not enough direction (I'm speaking in general terms.)
 
As a teacher, I think this is honestly best for the situation at hand. If someone who works (volunteers) at a school knows of potential drug use, and just ignored the problem, then there's a severe breach of protocol, whether she's related to the perp or not. Plus, if word got out that so-and-so was smoking pot and the administration did nothing about it, then the campus on a whole is less safe because of the inaction.

What your ex did might seem odd or confusing now, but as others have stated, sometimes it takes something like this to light a fire and get some changes made. Will his drumming suffer because of the campus change, or does he have the intrinsic motivation to accomplish great things?

And on a side note, crack the whip a little. Kids don't have a good "immediate" response to parents breathing down their necks, but in the long run, they'll understand why you did.
 
Horns11 - no, the drumming won't suffer. He's in private lessons and will continue. We crack the whip on grades, but this incident came out of the blue (a real surprise). I hear what your saying, though, about the school's perspective. Thanks. I'm hopeful he'll get a second chance, but it's not guaranteed. I'm trying to keep the long view that good will come from bad. Thanks.
 
I'm jumping into this late, but I've been through something like this and it turned out well in the end so I thought I'd tell you about it. Many parents probably have stories like this, but this is what happened to me.

While my daughter was in high school, my ex and I got divorced and my daughter moved out with her. Then later, while my daughter was a student at ACC my ex moved to Houston and she moved back in with me. Although there were some behavior and drug issues before she moved in with me, they seemed to escalate. She was having issues from the divorce and self-medicating, etc... Anyway, it got to the point where my rules got more and more strict and I told her that the next strike was it and she wouldn't be allowed to live in my house any more. I thought that would get her attention. Well, a few weeks later, another slip-up only worse this time and I had no choice... She knew what was going to happen and she forced my hand. She was shocked that I followed through with it at the time. She moved to her Mom's in Houston, initially transferred to HCC but then enrolled at Univ of Houston (business major) and is getting excellent grades. She has, by all measures, turned things around and she has talked to me more than once and admitted that her getting kicked out was the start of her turning it around. Yes, she probably hated me at the time, but at that point I wasn't interested in being her friend. Forcing her to move out was the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent, but it had to be done and now I can at least look back and say that I'm glad I did it.

So I hope your story turns out the same way where your son uses the wake-up call to look in the mirror and change the direction that he's taking. Good luck to you and your son.
 
My understanding of these alternative programs is that they are not for the faint of heart. The teachers are tough because they are dealing with a lot of kids who are hardened, or at least act that way. He may have to be prepared to fend for himself.

I don't think these are going to be easy days for your son. But if he gets the message, it could be good for him.
 
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