Things I might have typed into an email at work

Dionysus

Dionysus

Idoit
Admin
Things I might have typed into an email at work recently (and what I really meant):

Thanks for the update. (That was not particularly helpful. Dork.)
I am looking into it. (I had completely forgotten about this.)
Have you run this by the boss? (Are you stupid?)
Who is the project manager for this initiative? (Who should I plan on blaming in a few weeks?)
Let me check my calendar. (I do not go to lunch with vendors.)
I will follow up with you shortly. (I will forget this matter as soon as I click send.)
What's the corporate commitment on this? (Will anyone give a **** after the kickoff meeting is over?)
Have you finished the documentation? (Will you start with the ******* documentation already.)
Thanks Judy. (Thanks Judy.)
 
Sorry, I misread your instructions. (That's not what you told me. you moron.)

Thanks for the update! (Thanks a lot jerkoff, now I have to redo about a week's worth of work. Why didn't you give me this three weeks ago at the start of the project?)

I'm not sure how long it will take with these new changes. (You **** with me, I **** with you...)

This is a new addition? (Oooohhhh.... I get to start the clock on premium rates...
smile.gif
)

[Same email as the previous comment] I guess I can still meet the same deadline. (You BASTARD! Now I have to work on this over the weekend! You SUCK!)

Thanks for the compliment, but I was really just doing my job. (Made harder because you had your head up your *** for the whole project).
 
^n00b

BTW, I think you should modify the statement, "I am looking into it" to "We're planning to look into it." In the first one, you're blatantly lying, whereas it's quite possible the latter could be true plus it leaves a lot of room to distribute the blame to other people.

Engineers, by far, have the best excuses, because most of the people they work with outside the office view them the same way they do computers: just let them do their jobs, don't try to understand.

"It shouldn't take long"
"I'm just about to wrap that up."
"Thanks for following up; I was planning on responding to your email shortly." (great auto-response Outlook idea)
"We've been having IT problems."
"Our receptionist missed a couple of days recently." (3 months ago)
"I've been able to open the document you sent." (from 2 weeks ago, although don't mention the reason why which is you just forgot)
"The contractor still hasn't returned my message" (that I left him 2 minutes ago)

When in a bind, just start truthfully explaining the technical details, as elaborately and complicated as possible. Double points if you can incorporate math terms that terrified them in college, such as "standard deviation" or "differential equation" (even if they terrify you as well).

When all else fails...

"I'll need to run some numbers on that back at the office"
 
Yours noted (I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of a meaningful response to your dumbass e-mail)
 
The one I hate the most is:

"there's obviously been a miscommunication."

**** misscommunication. Make directives clear by putting them in writing.

And if people are constantly "misunderstanding" you... then figure it out! You're obviously not making yourself clear!! ZThe whole world is not missunderstanding you-- YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE!
mad.gif
 
I haven't heard back from the customer (I haven't contacted the customer).



We horse around alot at work, quote movies etc. This one guy always says "I got the black lung pop" and "nachhoooo" in a hig h pitched voice. You should know where the black lung quote is from, the nacho quote is from nacho libre.

Well today we had a conference call (over the phone) and whoever booked it, didn't have enough log ins available on his bridge. So, people had to conference each other in. I get this guy that always says "nachoooo" to conference me in. Well, when he pushed the conference button on his phone to bridge me in, I say (instinctively) "nachoooo" to him. I basically interrupted a 30 person con call with that "nachoooo." My manager who sits next to me blames the guy that normally says that, but I was like "no it was me."

I don't know why I did that. I think I thought he was going to say something to me first or I'd have to log in. It was funny. I guess you had to be there.
 
'i left them a voicemail a few days ago, haven't heard anything back yet' (i lost the phone number... never say email b/c that can be easily tracked)
'its in progress' (very obvious that i need to get the project started)
 
"Sorry for the confusion." - means "God, you're an idiot."

"Thanks for your assistance." - means "It's about time you did your job."





smokin.gif
 
I get this one from my boss, in the subject box.

"see me."

This translates to- "You've ****** up big time and now I'm going to chew your ***."
 
"I need your input by Friday" --- translation: I really need it the next Tuesday, but I know you'll run it right up to the deadline.
 
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