The Perfect, Magical No-Wipe Poop

[ACuriae]

Even though I considered posting this in Esther's Follies, I arrived at the conclusion that it might be funny or entertaining, but it's actually seeking advice and opinions. Keep in mind that the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, but this is a true and serious post.

I want to regularly achieve the Immaculate Defecation. The No-Wipe Poop. Rumor has it that this can't be achieved by altering diet because different combinations of vegetables, fruits, or both, can produce intestinal by-products that lead to the Million Wipe March.

Rumor also has it that a daily course of Metamucil--or other psyillium-husk-based products--will regularly produce the Clean Mean. The drawback is that you have to drink tons of water.

Are there any other alternatives?

I'm serious.

 

[omnipresent]

I've seen this magic poop you refer to!

 

[nashhorn]

I had to LOL at your post only because I would like to have that remedy as I am a member of the million wipe march club and let me sadly tell you time is the perpetuator of same. Your search for a solution would be a boon to old timers everywhere. I can also tell you that, while a relief of sorts, the metamucil treatment plan is helpful, but not the cure.
May God have mercy on the souls seeking youthful regeneration on the aged intestinal plague.

 

[bevo barry]

Chew a Tums-Ex tablet and chase it immediately with 2 heaping teaspoons of Konsyl-D (1 tsp is to be mixed in 8 oz water, so 16 oz of H2O total).

 

[ADMIRALSTOCKDALE]

i've done it many times, though i don't know how. all i know is that i've wiped and upon inspecting the paper (as we all do

) realized that apparently i didn't need to.

 

[ACuriae]

Bevo Barry, do you speak the truth or are you--so to speak-- messing with me?

 

[bevo barry]

Speaking the truth...I began Metamucil years ago as I was worried about developing diverticulosis, a bowel condition that is probably secondary to the lack of fiber in the typical American's diet. I am and always have been a meat-and-potatoes guy, and that diet is woefully lacking in fiber. Over the years I have made the transition from white bread to 100% whole wheat, and I am trying to incorporate more fruits (forget veggies however), but it is psyllium-seed products that keep me...ahem...regular. The problem for me with Metamucil or similar products is that while they increase ease of elimination and frequency of elimination, they made my, uh, poops pretty messy in terms of the, uh, wipe factor. Don't remember how I stumbled onto it, but eventually I found that doing the Tums thing counteracted the messy-factor perfectly (Tums is calcium carbonate which tends to be constipating in most people). No more red-eye for me! So...

The way it works out for me is a Tums EX for every 2 heaping teaspoons of Konsyl D (a product that is similar to Metamucil and which I prefer)...I tend to have those "magical" BMs of which you seek. You can do several doses per day (mid-morning, mid-afternoon, early evening, for example) to lower your LDL chlesterol as an added benefit. No doubt you will probably have to "titrate" it, taking a little more or less Konsyl/Metamucil per Tums EX...or maybe a regular Tums insted of EX.

The "original", plain-Jane Metamucil did not work well for me; there are several varieties of Metamucil and Konsyl...one just has to experiment to find out what agrees with his/her system. Also, be aware that these products can interfere with the absorption of vitamins/minerals and/or medications, so those should be taken 1 to 2 hours before or 2 to 3 hours after any Konsyl/Metamucil.

Y'all can thank me later for sharing.

 

[l00p]

I noticed that when I was in Hong Kong I came as close to Immaculate Poopfection as I had ever been. It was freaky. I returned to my sinful wipes back in the States for no obvious reason.

I will await feedback and witnesses of the proclaimed miracle above before I make my pilgrimage to product. I could save a few bucks a year in toilet paper alone not to mention flushes.

Holy **** I hope this is true.

 

[ADMIRALSTOCKDALE]

In reply to:

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[14tokihorn]

Musculature surrounding the alluded-to orifice can come into play here.

Have you ever gone through labor? Have you experienced physical trauma to the pelvis or sacro-illiac region?

From personal experience - muscles play a part in how the 'ol bung hole operates... particularly on the shutting, post-poop.

Just a thought.

 

[ACuriae]

I'm confident I've never gone through labor.

Trust me, the pinching is not the problem. The loafing is the problem.

 

[l00p]

So you are saying that it is not the size of the door of the vehicle it is the amount of kids being dropped off at the pool?

 

[jonhorn]

The magical poop seems great but i've never experienced it. I do use the wet wipes, however, and it decreases the number of wipes exponentially. I don't leave home without them. I highly recommend them.

 

[l00p]

Wet wipes? No ****!? That almost seems brilliant. Do you buy in bulk quantities and can you flush 'em without any blockage problems?

 

[chitwood]

I would advise against flushing wet wipes. When our kids were in diapers we did that and created a cement like blockage in the lines. Plumbers said that was a big no-no.

 

[nashhorn]

Tucks

 

[JohnnyM]

i've been using preparation H medicated wipes for many years, and no i don't have hemorrhoids. they are wet, they don't sting like some babywipes can, and they are flushable.

for the ghost ****, i've only had success with regular doses of metamucil. i've had them other times, but never repeatable without the metamucil. also, if i drink coffee at all i have zero chance of having a good ****. it may help get stuff out, but it doesn't help get it out neatly.

 

[LITNIN HORN]

****...chit...the wet wipes I used for my kids specifically said DO NOT FLUSH. The wet wipes jonhorn is referring to are specically for flushing.

 

[chitwood]

gotcha LITNIN. Not sure if ours said do not flush or not, but I flushed those bad boys anyway. Bad idea.

 

[MAROON]

one glass of Metamucil a day and I can achieve perfection in the poop. I still wipe out of habit.

We keep baby wipes at the deer lease...something about a case of beer a day, redman, deer sausage , beef jerkey that causes the end of the poop perfection.

 

[ACuriae]

At least 3 companies make wet wipes for adults and the instructions are do not flush more than 2 at a time. But you can definitely flush them.

My wife was less than amused when I told her that in the past I'd stopped wiping when the toilet paper looked poop-free only to find out since we started stocking the adult wet wipes that just because the toilet paper looks clean doesn't mean your behind is clean.

That discovery actually started my quest for the Perfect Poop.

 

[l00p]

Yup, there are wipes that can be flushed. I bought some last night which were not the flushing types. Crap, I mean, damn. I called my sister tonight to ask her about it since she has a baby. She informed me of a couple of brands that are for sure able to be flushed.

She then asked me what I was up to and why I wanted this information provided she would not have to testify against me for something in the future. I told her why and about some of these posts. After she stopped laughing she realized it's not that bad of an idea.