Responsibility of attending a funeral

J

JohnnyM

2,500+ Posts
What funerals do you feel a strong need/desire to attend and at which point do you feel like your presence isn't necessary? I don't mean to suggest that I ever feel dragged to a funeral, but I also don't go to them for fun.

My wife's godmother's wife's (you read that right) brother-in-law (not godmother's brother) passed away and my MIL is making my wife feel compelled to go. I don't believe my wife has ever met this person, and while we see godmother and her wife on holidays and they are an important part of my wife's family (because she has few blood relatives), I don't feel like this is necessary.

Now, my wife has said that she is only going to the wake on Saturday and that she could just go with her mom if I didn't want to, but I think she's attending just to appease mom and this probably isn't a good place to continue the "stand up to mom" discussion - but that's a whole different topic.
 
My wife's father passed away from a sudden heart attack almost 2 years ago. He was in his mid 50s so it was a shock. I will say that more than gifts and flowers, seeing people at the funeral that you know (as someone who lost the person) means more than anything.

I hated going to funerals before (who doesn't) but after this, I am going to go to as many funerals for my friends & family as I can attend. That means friends of mine's parents. Even if I don't know their parents. As long as I can reasonably get there.

But yeah I can't tell in your situation. I almost need to see a family tree on this one. ;-)
 
I don't know that one ever "desires" to go to a funeral. But you go to honor the memory of the deceased, if you feel close enough to the deceased, or to show your support for the friends or family of the deceased, if you feel close enough to them, even if you did not know the deceased.
Wait a minute...your wife's godmother's wife's brother-in-law...your wife's godmother has a wife? Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Anyway it sounds like a very tangential relation, so you should only go if you feel it is good to support the relatives you are acquainted with. I don't know that anyone would think less of you if you didn't go-unless it would be your wife, which would be a reason to go. Discuss it with her, then decide.
 
Really simple....will the attendee's attendance provide some sort of comfort to the survivors? If so, go.
 
Thanks, I appreciate the responses. I think it will be good for my MIL and wife to go as their appearance would be appreciated.
 
If I were you, I wouldn't be going. For what that's worth.

When my time is up, I wouldn't want anyone there because some part of them felt like they had to be there. I'd much rather only have people that actually knew me and genuinely want to remember me, pay respects, etc.

That isn't to say that you'd only be going because your wife dragged you, or that you don't have any respect for the deceased, but if it were me, I'd only want people that had a personal reason to be there.
 
Funerals aren't about the dead or showing them "respect". I'm pretty sure they are dead and won't know or care. They may even be in the middle of their supernatural orgy and the funeral would cast a pall on the mood.

Funerals are for the living and the answer to the question really begins and ends, in my own mind, with how your wife feels about the "godmother". Your attendance then depends on how you feel about your wife and the importance your attendance is to HER.

My experience is that you will pay dearly for your absence if the godmother is important to your wife. Everyone is different, but if its important to her, then the message she will receive is that she isn't important to you.

Even if she says its not important to her.
 
Nick,
interjecting your religious beliefs in a question of protocol about going to a funeral seems a bit out of place IMHO.

JohnnyM,
it is true that funerals are as much for the living to help them through the grieving process as for the person who has died. As many have said, keep in mind not only the funeral of the person who died, but the grief of those left behind. There are all types of factors about why you would/wouldn't go, which include can you get there easily, taking time off work, having kids at home who need a care giver, etc.
In my experience, going to a funeral, if you can with any ease at all, then you should. It is one time in life when a small amount of personal sacrifice and selflessness will go a long way.
 
Inasmuch as I don't have any religious beliefs, the comment was only meant to allow for any belief about an afterlife, but I guess it wasn't serious enough for you. Sorry.
 
If there is someone that was really close to the deceased that I am really close to then I do feel the pressure to go. If not I don't go. I hate funerals and don't plan on attending one for myself either. What a massive scam they are to take advantage of people at a tough time for financial gain.
 
Cana,
As someone who conducts funerals I really have no idea what you are talking about. If you are talking about funeral homes, then that is one thing. They provide burial services and charge for them. I assume that is what you mean when you are talking about a money racket.
I can't attest to their prices per se as I am not part of that 'industry.' As a pastor though, we will alllow ANY person in our community to have a funeral at our church for ZERO cost. I don't charge, our music director doesn't charge. We don't charge a clean up or electricity fee. It is 100% FREE for anyone who needs a place to hold a funeral.
 
Cana,
Then you are talking about burial services being expensive. You can have a funeral without a funeral home being involved at all.
Also, having worked at Parkland Hospital in Dallas in the chaplaincy, I know that the County will help you pay for the bare minimum needed for either cremation or burial. I am not sure of all the details, but know that people don't go unburied/cremated.
Now, if you want to rail on the expense of caskets that are fancy etc... go right ahead. None of that is necessary though, and not tied directly to having a funeral either.
 
i would love it if there was an orgy in the afterlife!

but as to the question at hand, i wouldnt go but seems that your wife is going to have to go.
 
Wife and MIL went together, FWIW. Just to avoid any flak though I put together our baby crib and did the dishes while she was gone. My wife really didn't care that I wasn't going, and MIL drove in her 2-seater so I could not have fit in that, but I figured it couldn't hurt.
 
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