Questions for divorced dads
- Thread starter rickysrun
- Start date
WhoseHouse
250+ Posts
I'm not a divorced dad, but I am the daughter of one. My parents got divorced at a very crucial time in my life (I was 15) and my dad stayed in the same town. I don't know how old your kids are or even what they're like, but I know that if my dad had moved far away and I didn't see him very often, I wouldn't be where I am now. I was on the verge of falling in with the wrong crowd and all sorts of other things, and my mom wouldn't have noticed anything (she was obviously going through a rough time herself, and went from being a stay at home mom to working 18 hour days). My dad's opinion and not wanting to disappoint him at a rough time in our lives is the only thing that kept me on the right track. And, we grew closer in those years after the divorce before I went to college than we would have even if my parents had stayed married. So, take that for what it's worth.
And good luck to you, I know this can't be easy.
And good luck to you, I know this can't be easy.
texascoder
1,000+ Posts
I was divorced about 3 1/2 yrs ago and my daughter was 17 at the time about ready to start her senior yr in HS, and my son was about to start his first yr at UT. Even before the divorce, my daughter was going through some issues that I'll mainly chalk up to teenage growing pains, etc. Anyway, when my ex moved out, my son stayed with me and my daughter went with her mom even though we stayed relatively close, location-wise. I can't give you much advice specific to being >100 miles away from the kiddo's but I would just say that quality time is probably more important than quantity, depending on the age of your kids, etc. My daughter and I still maintained a good relationship and it has improved steadily over the last few years.
My ex and I had a fairly drama-free, friendly breakup (after 21 yrs no less) and we were absolutely committed to not airing issues or arguing through the kids, etc. I never bad-mouthed my ex to my kids and I don't think she ever did the same with me to them either. Both of my kids have told me they understand that their mom and me needed to end the marriage because we weren't happy and they respect the way we chose to do it in a mature manner with no back-stabbing, etc.
Anyway, I think if you can spend quality time with your kids and if you can continue to work with your ex to be the best parents possible and keep your kids' interests above your own, your kids will respect you for it.
Good luck... Things will get better over time.
My ex and I had a fairly drama-free, friendly breakup (after 21 yrs no less) and we were absolutely committed to not airing issues or arguing through the kids, etc. I never bad-mouthed my ex to my kids and I don't think she ever did the same with me to them either. Both of my kids have told me they understand that their mom and me needed to end the marriage because we weren't happy and they respect the way we chose to do it in a mature manner with no back-stabbing, etc.
Anyway, I think if you can spend quality time with your kids and if you can continue to work with your ex to be the best parents possible and keep your kids' interests above your own, your kids will respect you for it.
Good luck... Things will get better over time.
rickysrun - Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I fit into the parameters of your question.
I have a 3 yr old daughter, we live 110 miles apart. My ex and I divorced about 6 months ago, not very amicably. As it stands now, I spend about 8 days per month with my daughter, and while I do have the right to spend every Thursday afternoon - Friday morning with her, the reality is that I am only able to take advantage of that once a month, or so, and even then it is only for a few hours. However, no matter what else is going on, I never miss any of my weekends with her (Thursday - Sunday).
I won't fib to you by saying "it's hard at first but gets better"...It doesn't get better, and in fact gets worse in some ways. What does make things managable, though, is to keep yourself really really busy so that you don't have as much time to just sit and dwell. Sitting in a quiet house with time to think is the absolute 9th level of hell for me.
Seriously, please feel free to send me a PM if you would like to talk about any of this. Hell, it would probably do me some good.
Good luck!
I have a 3 yr old daughter, we live 110 miles apart. My ex and I divorced about 6 months ago, not very amicably. As it stands now, I spend about 8 days per month with my daughter, and while I do have the right to spend every Thursday afternoon - Friday morning with her, the reality is that I am only able to take advantage of that once a month, or so, and even then it is only for a few hours. However, no matter what else is going on, I never miss any of my weekends with her (Thursday - Sunday).
I won't fib to you by saying "it's hard at first but gets better"...It doesn't get better, and in fact gets worse in some ways. What does make things managable, though, is to keep yourself really really busy so that you don't have as much time to just sit and dwell. Sitting in a quiet house with time to think is the absolute 9th level of hell for me.
Seriously, please feel free to send me a PM if you would like to talk about any of this. Hell, it would probably do me some good.
Good luck!
TTK hit it on the heaad. I have a 2.5 year old boy who I adore (I can say that, he's my son) and really everyone does. At first, I thought, well, I guess teh old every otehr weekend drill, but I couldn't take it. I''ve been going almost every weekend and feel awful when I don't go. He really changes when I've missed a week (taller, more words, etc).
Those with kids (and this ain't no indictment) have no idea what' it's like to have a kid. I never wanted a kid, and at first, I was tentative. Now, I can't imagine life without him and I would love to flat out have custody of him, but that may not be the best for him. He's got his grandma and mom there, so he's with one of them all the time. With me, he'd be in day care.
I commute 225 miles each way almost every weekend. There have been times I've left Dell at 4:15 and not gotten to him until 9:15 (Austin traffic was rough). I take the toll all the way to Creedmoor now, so it's not as bad. I trimmed an hour off.
And TTK is right. It doesn't necessarily get easier. It gets pretty rough sometimes. But the time I spend with him is priceless and it's even better than before because I have a greater appreciation of it.
Those with kids (and this ain't no indictment) have no idea what' it's like to have a kid. I never wanted a kid, and at first, I was tentative. Now, I can't imagine life without him and I would love to flat out have custody of him, but that may not be the best for him. He's got his grandma and mom there, so he's with one of them all the time. With me, he'd be in day care.
I commute 225 miles each way almost every weekend. There have been times I've left Dell at 4:15 and not gotten to him until 9:15 (Austin traffic was rough). I take the toll all the way to Creedmoor now, so it's not as bad. I trimmed an hour off.
And TTK is right. It doesn't necessarily get easier. It gets pretty rough sometimes. But the time I spend with him is priceless and it's even better than before because I have a greater appreciation of it.
I've been divorced for two years now, but we were separated for two years before that. I'm only about 20 miles away from my 9 year old son.
I second the recommendation that you never bad-mouth your spouse in front of your child. Also, try to have an amicable (we do) relationship with your ex as it'll make life a lot easier on everybody. It also teaches your child how adults should handle themselves.
Spend as much time as you can with your kid(s). My relationship with my son has grown since the divorce, and we have an incredible bond that should last a lifetime. The one good thing about my divorce is that my son has really gotten the chance to know me and what I stand for. Before I spent long hours at work trying to support the family, and his bond was mainly with his mom.
It still sucks that I can't see him every day, but we make it count when we do see each other. I also text and call frequently, and I allow her to do the same when he's with me.
I second the recommendation that you never bad-mouth your spouse in front of your child. Also, try to have an amicable (we do) relationship with your ex as it'll make life a lot easier on everybody. It also teaches your child how adults should handle themselves.
Spend as much time as you can with your kid(s). My relationship with my son has grown since the divorce, and we have an incredible bond that should last a lifetime. The one good thing about my divorce is that my son has really gotten the chance to know me and what I stand for. Before I spent long hours at work trying to support the family, and his bond was mainly with his mom.
It still sucks that I can't see him every day, but we make it count when we do see each other. I also text and call frequently, and I allow her to do the same when he's with me.
LongestHorn
2,500+ Posts
I divorced in 2004 when our kids were 4 and 3. Before it was finalized, she took my kids to Boulder. It was legal but not cool. We finalized an agreement and I quit my Austin job and moved to Denver. I made less money but it was worth the price of admission. She finished her Masters at CU and wanted to move back to Austin. Fine with me. We packed a truck and I moved them into a house on Shoal Creek and I moved into a house in Hyde Park.
It gets easier. For example, I kiss my ex-wife's *** more now than ever because it serves the children, now 7 and 8. I would not take near the **** I do now when we were married. A happy Mom is a happy house where your kids live.
Last summer we even managed to spend a weekend in South Padre together. Mom and daughter in one room. Me and son in the other. The kids loved it. My ex and I are very clear that we will be friendly and never fight in front of the kids.
But we still fight. Just way less often than when we were married.
Hang in there. It will get better. It really will.
It gets easier. For example, I kiss my ex-wife's *** more now than ever because it serves the children, now 7 and 8. I would not take near the **** I do now when we were married. A happy Mom is a happy house where your kids live.
Last summer we even managed to spend a weekend in South Padre together. Mom and daughter in one room. Me and son in the other. The kids loved it. My ex and I are very clear that we will be friendly and never fight in front of the kids.
But we still fight. Just way less often than when we were married.
Hang in there. It will get better. It really will.
Not that Bob
500+ Posts
When I divorced, long ago, my ex quickly (10 days after the divorce...don't ask) married an airforce guy who got transferred to Germany almost immediately. I didn't see my daughter for 3 years. I truly believe that one event in my life will end up taking 5 years off my longevity.
I've told this story here before, but here goes...
When my son was 45 seconds removed from the womb, the nurse said "Here Dad" and handed him to me. He's been the most important thing in my life ever since.
Right around his first birthday, the ex threw me out and shortly thereafter moved about 90 miles away.
She was good about meeting me halfway every other weekend, I paid child support like clockwork and we got along fine.
Anyway, as soon as he could talk, my son started lobbying his mother to let him come live with me. And I mean lobbying hard!
When he turned four, she finally said OK and he came to live with me.
He's eighteen and just started college. We've been almost inseparable for the last fourteen years and he's still the most important thing in the world to me. I still hold my breath every time he walks out of the door until he comes home.
My advice? Hang in there, be the better man, and be there all you can. It's worth it.
When my son was 45 seconds removed from the womb, the nurse said "Here Dad" and handed him to me. He's been the most important thing in my life ever since.
Right around his first birthday, the ex threw me out and shortly thereafter moved about 90 miles away.
She was good about meeting me halfway every other weekend, I paid child support like clockwork and we got along fine.
Anyway, as soon as he could talk, my son started lobbying his mother to let him come live with me. And I mean lobbying hard!
When he turned four, she finally said OK and he came to live with me.
He's eighteen and just started college. We've been almost inseparable for the last fourteen years and he's still the most important thing in the world to me. I still hold my breath every time he walks out of the door until he comes home.
My advice? Hang in there, be the better man, and be there all you can. It's worth it.
Djibouti, Djibouti
100+ Posts
mother and I separated just before baby girl turned 3. we lived in austin at the time.
she moved back to san antonio with her folks and the baby. I did the commute thing back and forth on the weekends. as one above mentioned, I think my relationship with my daughter actually improved. went places it didn't go before since there was so much more one-on-one interaction.
after a couple of years, she married a guy from SA and eventually moved to Austin, then an Austin suburb near the Lake. I lived in the Austin area through these years.
2.5 years ago I had the swell idea of attending law school and moved to Houston. I have been commuting back and forth between H-town and ATX at a minimum of every other weekend.
at the end of day, I see the baby (now almost 11) almost as much as I did when I was in Austin. but...it's just not the same. at all. she knows it and so do I. gone are the spontaneous dinners, the ability to attend school functions, coach her soccer teams, etc. dealing with distance from daughter is a lot harder than law school ever will be.
anyways, avoid it if you can. as referenced above, it ain't fun. that said, it's do-able. honestly, I think it's actually harder on me than it is the kiddo. she has seemed to deal with it pretty well.
all this said...I plan on being back in Austin the day after I take the bar. seriously, the day after.
she moved back to san antonio with her folks and the baby. I did the commute thing back and forth on the weekends. as one above mentioned, I think my relationship with my daughter actually improved. went places it didn't go before since there was so much more one-on-one interaction.
after a couple of years, she married a guy from SA and eventually moved to Austin, then an Austin suburb near the Lake. I lived in the Austin area through these years.
2.5 years ago I had the swell idea of attending law school and moved to Houston. I have been commuting back and forth between H-town and ATX at a minimum of every other weekend.
at the end of day, I see the baby (now almost 11) almost as much as I did when I was in Austin. but...it's just not the same. at all. she knows it and so do I. gone are the spontaneous dinners, the ability to attend school functions, coach her soccer teams, etc. dealing with distance from daughter is a lot harder than law school ever will be.
anyways, avoid it if you can. as referenced above, it ain't fun. that said, it's do-able. honestly, I think it's actually harder on me than it is the kiddo. she has seemed to deal with it pretty well.
all this said...I plan on being back in Austin the day after I take the bar. seriously, the day after.
Thanks for all the feedback. I guess the good news is that I found a real good job where I and the kids currently live and it looks like the ex will be taking a job here as well. It's not the city I would choose to live in a day longer than I have to, but it's where my kids are, and I'm just considering myself blessed to have found a job that will allow me to take care of all my responsibilities.
On another note, I encourage all of us to pm each other when times get a little rough. There's not a ton of support out there for us guys, and even this thread has been good for me to read and see how others have handled this less than desirable situation.
On another note, I encourage all of us to pm each other when times get a little rough. There's not a ton of support out there for us guys, and even this thread has been good for me to read and see how others have handled this less than desirable situation.
Earl_Worshipper
100+ Posts
Good luck, Rickysrun. I've been divorced for exactly 10 years and I have a great relationship with my three kids, who are all in college now. I think one key reason is that I kept a cordial relationship with my ex. This might be stating the obvious, but it's just much easier on everyone if there's no big time tension between mom and dad.
Murphy'sBoy
1,000+ Posts
Rickysrun,
You kids willl appreciate the effort you have gone through to stay close to them. Keep it up, its worth it.
You kids willl appreciate the effort you have gone through to stay close to them. Keep it up, its worth it.
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