post a joke that makes you LOL

E

El_Oso

500+ Posts
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible..'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to yourhand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'Bartender 'What aboutthat eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird ****?'
Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'
 
A bear and a rabbit met in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, "does **** stick to your fur? "Yes, of course" said the rabbit. So the bear picked him up and wiped his *** with him.
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ships wheel on the front of your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yaaaaaar! It's drivin' me nuts!"
 
A guy walks into the shrink's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

Shrink says "I can clearly see your nuts."
 
Two tigers are walking through the jungle. One of the tigers suddenly leans over and licks the other tiger on the butt just as big as Dallas.

The second tiger says, "What did you do that for?"

The first tiger says, "I just ate a lawyer for lunch, and I had to get that taste out of my mouth."
 
Drunk guy walks into a police station

Drunk "I'd like to report a stolen car".
Cop- "well where did you last see it"?
Drunk holds up his key- right here on the end of this key, now what are you going to do about it?".
Cop- First thing I'm going to do us arrest you for indecent exposure since you have your manhood just hanging out in the wind
Drunk looks down- Oh no, they got my girlfriend too!
 
Freddy Fender once said something along the lines of this -

"My girl ran off with my best friend...I sure do miss him.

I never even got to thank him."
 
An old couple, each around 100 years old, goes to see their lawyer.

Lawyer: What can I do for you today?

Wife: We want to get a divorce.

Lawyer: A divorce? You've been married for over seventy years. Why would you want to get a divorce now?

Husband: Well, we just wanted to wait until the kids were dead.
 
A wife comes home to see her husband, a comedian, has stopped working on his act that he had been preparing for weeks. She asks him why he suddenly has stopped. He replies "I'm so close to the greatest joke of all time, I can taste it!" Shes says "well if you're that close, why quit?" His face becomes filled with disgust as he cries out "because its a poop joke!"
 
Two guys are sitting in lawn chairs at the end of the day when a dog comes up to them and starts licking his balls. One guy says, "Man, I'd do anything to be able to do that right now." The other guy says, "Shouldn't you pet him first?"
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted
 
A dog limps into a saloon in the old west, holds his leg into the air and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
 
Yo Mamma is so old,
her memory is in black and white.

Yo Mamma is so old,
she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo Mamma is so old,
Jurassic Park brought back memories.
 
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

(that one is for all aggy out there
biggrin.gif
)
 
A guy walks into his house carrying a duck. He says "this is the pig I'm *******"

His wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck"

Man says "I wasn't talking to you"
 
Dad cooks a deer and doesnt tell the kids what it is.

Dad gives one clue. "Its what your mother calls me" the boy yells its dick dont eat it!!
 
The Permanent University Fund was established in 1876 as a source of revenue for The University of Texas and Texas A&M University. UT receives 2/3 of the PUF money, while A&M receives the remaining 1/3.

How did this particular division of funds come about?

A&M picked first.
 
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One looked over at the other one and said, "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other quickly looks over and says, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"
 
Nudist #1: Have you read Marx?
Nudist #2: Yeah, I think it's from the wicker chairs.

And did you hear about the Aggie who tried to throw himself on the floor and missed?
 
Late one evening this horse trainer is hauling his young filly across the country to California to have her bred with Secretariat, when his truck breaks down out in the middle of nowhere. He spots a ranch nearby and goes to the door and makes arrangements so he can spend the night until he can get his truck fixed the next day.

Trainer: "I also have a horse that I'm hauling to California to have bred with Secretariat and I would appreciate it if I could put her in your barn for the night".

Rancher: "That's fine, but I have to warn you that I've got a donkey in there that'll screw anything that moves".

Trainer: After thinking for a second the trainer says "I've got a red blanket that we can cover her with. That should take care of it".

The next morning they go out to the barn & the horse is no where to be found. They ask a ranch hand if he's seen a horse with a red blanket tied over the top of her.

Ranch hand: "Nah, but I did see one running out the barn with a red hanky sticking out her butthole."
 
One day an old man is walking down a country road with a duck he had just found wondering around in the road. He comes upon a younger man who immediately starts accusing the old man of stealing his duck. Offended by the accusation, the old man decides to claim the duck is his. After a few minutes of arguing the old man offers a solution:

Old man: "Let's just have a nutt kicking contest to see who keeps the duck." After the young man agrees, the old man says "I'll go first".

After getting kicked in the nutts, the young man rolls around on the ground for about five minutes, moaning in pain.

Young man: As he staggers to his feet he says "Okay, my turn now."

Old man: "Nah, you can keep him".
 
The state of Oklahoma just raised the minimum drinking age to 32. They want to keep alcohol out of their high schools.

**********

A baptist minister was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Bill asked for whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied, "Ma'am, I'd rather be raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch my lips." Hearing this, Clinton handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I didn't know I had the choice!"

**********

A whale couple notices a whaling ship - the same ship that had harpooned the male's father many years before.

He said to his wife, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship capsized, but most of the sailors survived and were swimming to shore, so the male told the female, "Lets swim after them and eat them before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. He asked her what the problem was and she said "Wanting me to blow is one thing, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

**********

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father barked at her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear mother thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "[Sniff, sniff]....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"What!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

"Alright, well then...what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

Girl, crying again, "[Sniff, sniff]....a prostitute, Dad! [Sniff, sniff]."

"Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"

**********

I found this one that a friend had sent me back in 2002:

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back to Washington!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
 
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