Open mouth, insert foot

C

CHIEFLAZYBOY

100+ Posts
My old man was still at home when the cleaning ladies showed up this morning, and all of the ladies were dressed in costumes. This one lady asked him about her witch hat, he said it was pretty hip, but he absolutely loved her "bubba teeth." He asked her where she bought those hideous things and her face went blank as she told him.......THESE ARE MY REAL TEETH. He said he left his untouched breakfast on the table and left immediately.

Chief
 
hahahahaha....
brickwall.gif
 
# 1 So I'm having dinner with some acquaintances a few years ago and a woman in our group tells a joke about someone with a glass eye... while another woman with a glass eye is sitting at the table having dinner with us.

Fist of all, I don't think I have EVER heard a glass eye joke. Second, I don't think I have ever had dinner with someone with a glass eye. What are the chances. Did foot-in-mouth tell this joke b/c something was triggered in her subconscious mind? Or maybe foot-in-mouth didn't know.

# 2 So I'm at a formal investiture ceremony for a newly appointed federal bankruptcy judge and one of the speakers makes a wise crack about bankruptcy court being the red-headed step child of the Fed Courts. The crowd gasped quietly as the judge, who was sitting up front with his beautiful wife and two children, one of which had bright red hair, smiled and hugged his son, who probably wasn't paying attention anyway.
 
A bunch of us were having beers at the Posse East one afternoon, and one of my coworkers was waiting for his wife to show up. A young engineer who had recently started working for us piped up "wow, look at that cow over there".

It was my coworker's wife, who was just arriving. Talk about awkward.
 
Alright, when I was a waiter, I walked up to this couple and asked "what would you like to drink?" Lady says "tea" or whatever. Then I said "and for you sir?" And of course, the sir was actually a lady. So, I'm somewhat embarassed (it was a masculine looking lady) and I'm scrambling so I blurt out "it's the hair."

She wasn't happy about that at all.
 
I have had the same boss (young lady) at work for 3 years then a guy takes over for her when she gets a promotion. He asked me do to something for him in front off his superiors and instinctively I said 'yes ma'am.' luckily they know I am a smart *** and it was no big deal when I really didnt mean to say it.
 
From my time working as a waiter...

1. A husband and wife are getting ready to order dessert. They're both a little 'large' but not obese. I go through the choices with them and the man says, "No, no dessert unless you have my favorite ice cream." Without hesitation and for reasons I still do not understand to this day, I hear myself blurt out , "Oh, is it Chubby Hubby?". The wife thought it was hysterical. He did not.

2. A slim, attractive, woman orders two desserts for her 'lunch' while the rest of the party gets regular entrees. I ask her with a wink, "Does your mom know you're eating like that?" and she replies in a flat tone with a look that could have cut glass "My mother is DEAD.".

At a party..

I'm talking with a group of friends/couples and the conversation gets on the topic of escorts. I start going off about what a sleazy existence that must be and am openly asking what kind of SKANK woman would get in to that line of 'work'. Everyone seems genuinely interested in the conversation including my friend, whom we will call Rob, and his new girlfriend. They listen intently to the whole conversation, say a round of polite goodbyes, and leave the party. I am then quietly informed that Rob's new girlfriend also works as a... well.. you know
 
About six years ago, I ran across a baseball trivia forum in which the members were remembering a poster that had died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. They linked to one of his posts that was only a minute or so before the plane hit and said that it was probably the last thing he did before he died. Naturally, I clicked on his profile because I was curious, and found that his user account was still recently active, now almost a year after 9/11. So I registered an account and boldly wrote a post saying that he had been on the board recently and that the people on the forum were making an incorrect assumption.

The next reply was from his wife, posting under his username...
 
hahaha wow.

hey, my brother once aksed someone when the baby was due, her response. what baby? Iam not expecting one.
 
One time in high school, a friend of mine was giving me and this other dude a ride home. We were in the car driving around the school when the other dude points out the window says outloud to me and the driver "Holy ****! Look how fat that girl is!"

My friend (the driver) slows his truck down and the fat girl gets in. It's his sister.
 
When 2 friends and I helped out a girl who had car trouble, her car was up on a jack and she climbed inside to grab her purse out of the backseat, right above where the jack was.

I wanted to communicate two simple things. First, that she should have just asked me to move and opened the side door to grab the purse instead, since being totally inside a car that's on a jack is a bad idea. Second, as I saw the jack slightly wobble, that now that she was already inside the car she needed to make less sudden movements.

What came out of my mouth for some unknown reason was "Watch out, I'm not sure the jack can take that weight"
 
During law school I'm talking with a few guys I went to school with and somehow it comes up that one guy's wife is from Russia. I jokingly ask if he bought her on the internet? He didn't laugh.
 
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