New baby question

Horns11

Horns11

10,000+ Posts
I guess this is mostly aimed at married couples (or previously married people) who share responsibility raising a newborn:

I'm the father of a 3-week old girl. What sort of time is spent "taking care of" the baby between the genders? I'm talking like hours or percentages. If I had to guess, I'd say I'm putting in WAY more time holding, feeding (supplemental formula to breastfeeding), burping, calming, and trying to get the baby to sleep than wifey is. She spends about 20 minutes attempting to breastfeed (which seems to be a waste because she's only producing about 30 mL milk per day), then I get the baby for the next two hours. This happens 8 times a day.

The baby gets a little colicky and whines/cries for a while until it naps, and then it's immediately time to feed again and the cycle starts over.

Do I even bring it up to a woman whose crotch ripped open? I'm usually not one to complain about responsibilities to the wife, but it seems like this is something that should be flip flopped by typical gender standards. I guess I should probably mention that I'm still doing all the other chores I did before, too (washing dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, general cleaning, car stuff, grocery shopping).

I'm fortunate to be off work right now, so it's not interfering with my job yet. But what happens when I go back? I fear things are going to fall apart and I need to say something pretty quickly.
 
The fact that you're "supplementing" with so much formula is not helping the breastfeeding issue, I wouldn't think.

As for responsibility load, our newborns spent roughly 95% of their life with my wife while they were that young. I would probably take them away from her only when she absolutely needed me to for various reasons.
 
Yeah, my wife (God bless her) handled most of the baby duties AND continued to keep the house running. In hindsight, I'm a little embarassed about my lack of effort back then.

Look at it this way -- you're making up for the rest of us slacker dads. Thanks!
 
There are many both right and wrong ways to divide the labor. If all the chores are getting completed, both spouses are trying to help, and baby is getting the love and care/nutrition required, I would (did) count my blessings that I had a baby. You may already have availed yourselves, but there are books, experts and support services out there which are quite adept at at improving nursing.
 
my split is about 90/10, but thats the only way the math can really work out if one person works and one person raises the kids.

you are only 3 weeks in, so things haven't really gotten to their steady state--she is probably still jacked up on hormones and feeling some pain.

i would expect that things should even out shortly and start to tilt burden to her. obviously, once you start working again you will simply be unavailable for much of the day. If you dont see things moving that direction, i would have her consult her OB/GYN about her emotional state.
 
Natural birth or C-section? The pain from the C-section may be affecting your wife. Also, I understand the challenges of breast feeding as our daughter is almost 3 weeks old. Is you wife pumping? Does she hold the baby between feedings? Does she do some of the supplemental feedings? From your post it seems you wife has not bonded with your daughter. Physical contact can help stimulate breast milk production along with pumping.

Generally, the division at our house is 90/10 to her but she stays home and I am working. I can't feed since my wife breastfeeds but I will comfort and change the baby when I get home from work. Also, I try to put the baby to sleep for the night if she will let me but sometimes she just wants mom.
 
Your wife needs to go visit a lactation consultant at your local hospital. Most will see you for free if you had the baby there. Presby Plano was awesome in that regard.

Your wife needs to pump or breastfeed every three hours by 24 hours a day to get her body going. Then she can skip a sitting every couple days to get that extra sleep.

We took turns going through the 3 hour(give or take an hour) cycle. eat, hold upright, play, sleep, poop/pee, sleep, repeat.

She needs to have the baby skin to skin contact too near her breasts when she is feeding him whether after pumping or straight through the boobs. The baby crying and skin to skin contact also supposedly help your wife naturally produce more milk. The more rest she gets the more she should produce.

Depending upon the pump she has, there are also different size cones that connect to the boobs. The lactation consultant ladies at presby really helped my wife get it going.

Hang in there and enjoy these days even though you might not be getting the sleep you need. Cherish the baby boot camp as the special moments they really are. (family helping some is cool too)

Good luck. You'll make it. It really is worth it too. We are approaching the fifth month-i-versary on the 19th.

BTW, if you are going to use a day care or nanny or whatever you need to start looking now. The spots are not always available at the places you might want to put her.(if your wife is not going back to work then of course that doesn't apply)
 
Sounds like you are tired. Hang in there. You will get used to it.

And great job. You will look back on the time you had with your little baby girl and wonder how she got so big, so quickly.

Why do you think you are providing way more care than your wife? Is she struggling with the post pregnancy blues? Healing surgical wound?

If there is some "out of whacked-ness" to you, the OBGYN should know.

If you are just getting tired and need a break, let your wife know. This is a marathon not a sprint. If you are getting tired, get someone to give you a break. Even just a 1/2 day away is invigorating.

Good luck and congratulations. My first kids were twin boys. My little girl was born two years later. I don't know if I have really been not-tired in the last 4+ years, but I wouldn't trade the time with my kids for anything in the world.
 
I agree with the two posts immediately above. It's still time to be treasured unless it completely screws up your life. And I mean completely. Most things will recover.

And I agree with the rest of the stuff everyone says, too. But here's my addition:

We have a six-week old. Circumstances are completely different this time than with our five-year-old, who seemed easy in comparison. This even though he was a premie and we had to divide our time driving from B-CS up to Temple, staying in the Ronald McDonald House while he was in Scott & White. At the time, I was finishing my Ph.D. and working only half-time; she was working full-time. Our son never learned to nurse, so she pumped and we both fed.

We split up nighttime hours and it seemed to work really smoothly. I don't remember losing much sleep, and don't remember her having much difficulty, either. This despite a strict schedule of waking him every three hours to feed because of his status.

Fast forward to now. I'm a faculty member with the summer off. She's basically a full-time mom. And it seems like hell compared to last time, even though the baby came out nursing like a champ.

Maybe because my wife HAS to do all the feeding, she really is more tired. And my wife is a little hot-blooded anyway, so she can get cranky. She's really cranky now. She makes demands. Her female nature is really showing. I'll leave it at that.

My summer is half gone and I've gotten very little done. But I've found marriage maintenance is the big deal here, and that's what I keep telling myself, even when I'm ready to keep the baby and send the wife back to the hospital. I keep saying three words: "post-partum depression. post-partum depression."

At the same time, I've made it perfectly clear: I need to go to the office (it's never really an "off" summer for faculty). And she is, after all, the housewife. I just try to put it in terms of what it means for my career, as it's the only one we have right now. They usually understand these terms, but not always on the first time.

Subtlety, patience, and compromise. Firmness. Communication. I know you know all these things, but it's easy to forget and damned hard to do.

I'm doing a lot of grinning and bearing it, regardless of the demands, because in the end, I've got a great family.

It's all part of the show.
 
Wow, good comments from everyone, and I tend to agree that it's definitely the breastfeeding/supplementing that tends to throw stuff for a loop.

Interestingly enough, we did deliver at Plano Presby and the lactation consultants are great. However, it's definitely a physical issue with not being able to produce the milk. Baby is great at latch and sucking and swallowing (no dirty jokes), but even with the pumping every 3 hours, she's still only making ~30 mL (1 fl ounce) of milk a DAY, not a single pumping. So then it becomes an extra 45-minute routine of making a bottle and feeding, and then at least another half hour of settling the colic. And I pretty much get stuck with that duty, because I don't breastfeed or pump.

It was a natural birth with episiotomy. My wife isn't that tough to begin with, so naturally, it's been hard on her. She's great with the baby... I just fret for what's about to happen when I go back to work.

I'm actually going to try to get a nap in now... next feeding is in an hour and a half. Thanks for all the comments!
 
We are in week 5. I have had a swing (Fisher Price Rainforest) in the living room since he came home. We try it every now and then. Yesterday, I put him in it. He cried for a couple of minutes, but I didn't leave him or give up. He calmed down and took the best nap in a long long time. He woke up and we gave him the best bath since he's been home. Last night, we put him down and he went to sleep. It seems that he really needed that nap. The swing did the trick.

Regarding the previous post on immunizations. I am not taking parenting advice from Oprah or Jenny McCarthy. I have been helped a lot by a book call "Baby 411." They discuss the immunization debate. The doctor/author says it is a VERY EASY CALL once you have watched a baby DIE from a preventable disease. Unfortunately, most pediatricians can make this easy call.

Anyway, to all they dad's on HF....Ain't this fun?? I'll check back in a few weeks when I have some time.
 
As someone who had a baby almost 6 weeks ago, my guess is your wife is experiencing the baby blues pretty badly. When you want to breastfeed but it's not going well, you feel like a failure. I strongly second the poster who suggested seeing a lactation consultant -- its not too late to get breastfeeding under control. My baby was in the NICU for a few days so we had a rough start, but got it under control with the help of an LC. There's also plenty of things she can do to up her supply.

It's really hard at this stage b/c it seems like all they do is eat. Hang in there, and good luck.

As for the vaccination thing, our pediatrician is the author of Baby 411, so I tend to agree with her that vaccines are necessary. The study linking the MMR with autism was recalled a few years after it was published.
 
your wife needs to talk to her OBGYN about post partum depression and see a lactation consultant. or stop trying to breastfeed altogether.

the fact that it seems that you are spending the lion's share of the time with the kid at this stage in her life seems...off target.

when my first son was born, he spent about 45 days in the NICU, then came home. after that, it was about 95% mom time and maybe 5% dad time. infants need their mommy.

to be perfectly frank, if your wife is handing off your child that much, i'd be worried. what is she doing during this time? sleeping? does she have some post partum issues, like stitches or csection? was the birth traumatic for her?

seriously, she needs to see a doctor about these issues. post partum depression is nothing to sneeze at. i'm not saying that's what is going on, but the situation you are describing is a little alarming.
 
Hang in there! Right now it may seem like you are a continous 3 hr loop where you do the same thing over and over.

I have twins boys and it seems i have spent the last two years cleaning more than anything! It's difficult when they are newborns, but when you get that first smile...

I agree on the breastfeeding issue. If she is having trouble, she may be experiencing guilt, which is such BS, because so many people put undo pressure on mothers about breastfeeding. Do what works for you all, and be comfortable in your decision. The best decision is one that makes baby, mom and dad happy.

I also agree that if your wife is not taking an interest or "neglecting" your newborn, you should consult your OBGYN. First time moms often have this "glamourous" expectation about pregnancy and motherhood, and when the expectations don't turn out how you thought and you are just tired and furstrated, PostPartum depression can creep in.
 
I never had a baby and I never wanted one. And all I have to add to this thread is that it's awesome to see so many dads telling this new father to hang in there and offering support. You moms, too!

Man, is Hornfans truly a community, or what?
 
all of this depends on c-section and breastfeeding.

my wife breastfed our kids for the first 3 months so she was the one doing the night feedings. because of that, i decided to change every diaper of the kids life. this was easy with the first kid, harder with the second because my first was 19 mo when my second was born.

advice to you is:
1. be 100% supportive of your wife no matter what. a woman goes through some serious **** to deliver a kid. don't discount post pardum (sp). my wife had it with our 2nd and i've never seen someone so mean in my life. she now knows it and is cool but she can't believe she would treat me that way.
2. let your wife breastfeed as long as SHE wants to. it is really ******* hard and i would never want to do it. whenever she was done, we went to formula. i told her i never wanted to hear her ***** about it because the first time she did, we were switching. we had way too much other stuff going on to deal with breastfeeding issues.
3. don't forget to look at your kid and smile. you just rung the bell on one of life's greatest accomplishments.
 
Had you grilled and fed your bride her placenta, she would have had better lactation and avoided postpartum depression.
The Link

Tell me you saved the cord blood....
 
next time. Look for my recipe on Rusty's Grill.

Congrats on the baby girl. What's her name?

Swaddle, sing and early morning sunlight to activate her little body clock, if you want her on a schedule.
 
Lots of solid advice here....

Hayden brings up a good one, keep post-partum on your mind. Most moms I know like to spend as much time as possible with newborns. Definitely see a lactation consultant and try "mother's milk" tea (for your wife) - that stuff does wonders. Don't give up on breastfeeding, it's better and cheaper than formula.

Keep up the great work - the first one is always the toughest. You do have a valid concern about going back to work and her being able to assume the house hold responsibilities again. The short answer is that you'll still need to help out after work and on weekends, but you do need to broach the subject sooner than later and you MUST pick a time when she's in a good mood. It's needs to be fair for both.
 
Again, thanks for all of the comments. Agreed about the support we all get from a forum like this!

Re: postpartum... she's not there yet. In fact, the wife's pretty happy most of the time. And I think she has also recognized my fatigue, and offered to help with the "excess" stuff I was dealing with.

I think in the week since the original post things have settled to the point where I don't mind being up at night now, even if I had to work right now. We've pinpointed some of the fussiness to the diet issues, as I figured. Pediatrician said to switch to a lighter formula, and it seems to help during the day, but constipates her.

For the life of me, I cannot understand how an immature person (either by age or emotional age) could ever have a child. It's such a demanding and challenging event... after this first month that I've gone through, I'm all for mandating a test to see who is fit for parenthood.
 
Since you're going the formula route....BUY IT FROM AMAZON. It will save you about $7-$10 per big can, and if your baby's like ours, that's a pretty substantial amount of money.

Diapers from amazon are the cheapest as well.
 
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