My toaster.....****UPDATE****

okay, so it is 9 pm houston time, when is it monday morning in alaska?

also, many applaud toastergate, but i never read the resolution to garage *****.

can i get a 2 for 1?
 
Does anyone remember the old tv show Northern Exposure? It was about a doctor who moves to a small town in Alaska where everyone is basically bat **** crazy. I think I have a new appreciation for that show.
 
I just read the entire thread. My co-worker thinks I'm crazy because I burst out laughing in the middle of it. Nobody will believe this. I'm hoping you brought your stones home with you. While putting them in the toaster would be great, I'm thinking you offer the Toaster Whack Lady the stones and $50 from a Monopoly game and ask her to call it even. If she refuses, knee her in the nuts.

Hook'em!!!
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In my defense, I didn't actually get back to work until this morning....and its been an interesting one.

In my absence I have received 16, SIXTEEN emails regarding our toasters.

The first few call for an "office vote" for which toaster should stay. After recieving ZERO responses for her vote, she sends out another email that she decided not to have a vote because it was similar to gambling and the Army doesn't permit gambling in the work place (little does she know about the very elaborate bet all the office staff have on the date and time this toaster issue will actually be resolved).

She ends this email with: I know this is a sensitive issue for all our staff and I am hoping to find an amicable way to resolve this.

Her next email is sent to our boss and cc'd to everyone else. This one requests that the sensitivity training be rescheduled for this week when I will return to work since I "played a large part in instigating the toaster disagreement and inappropriate behavior"

My boss did not reply to this at all. Her next 10 or so emails are mostly requests to locate her toaster.

When I asked my boss if we would be having sensitivity training again, he said no, but offered no support or back up on this issue.

Upon exiting his office, I turned the corner and bumped right into toaster lady. She was crying and demanded that I give her her toaster back. She blubbers that she knows I stole it and I had no right to do so because she only notified the fire marshall and had my toaster taken because she was worried about our safety. She wails that if I am mad at the Fire marshall, I should go steal his toaster, not hers.

I respond by laughing and tell her that I have no idea where her toaster is, but if she is so attached to it, why did she bring it to the office instead of cherishing it in her home?

She is sniffling now and pulls out a kleenex from her sweater sleeve. She looks at me again, and then runs off into her office, making sure to pass every co-workers desk even if they aren't directly en route to her office.

I start to actually feel bad about this whole toaster thing...until she knocks on my office door. When I open it, she says, "you still owe me 55 dollars and if you don't pay me, I'll report you to the Provost Marshall for theft."

I tell her to go ahead and call them. I try to explain that I don't owe her anything. That she bought that toaster for 60 dollars without even telling me as a replacement. I don't want the toaster and she can keep it to replace the one she so sorely misses.

She says she can't afford a 60 dollar toaster. I tell her to return it then. She says she can't return it because the time period for returns has passed. Then as if a light bulb went off in her head, she says that she couldn't return it because I was in the hospital and didn't tell her to return it in time and since I am the one who caused the time period to lapse, I should still have to pay the 55 bucks.

She is in her office calling the MPs now.

This should put an end to a very stupid issue. I can't believe my boss hasn't put an end to this.

She says the MPs are coming to file a report. How in the hell did I end up on an episode of "Cops" and how do I explain her pulverized toaster to the MPs?

I foresee a very anticlimatic ending to this story.
 
Thank you, mrs. mac! i hope you're feeling better from the kidney stones.

this lady is ridiculous. i don't even think we could write a pilot about this anymore, because it has passed over into the "truth is stranger than fiction" section.

crying over a toaster? demanding money? calling the MPs? oh hell.
 
This whole situation is so absurdly ridiculous... I would absolutely _love_ to hear how toaster lady tells the story.
 
That is unreal. But how will this be anticlimactic when the MP's are on the way? I expect to hear about bullets flying!

Or at least, I'd like to hear that the MP's escorted Toaster Lady out of the office a la Bud Fox in Wallstreet.
 
First off, I hope you're feeling better!

This "lady" is a psycho, I just hope the MPs realize it.

Also, why won't your boss back you up? That place just seems whacko...

How much longer until you're out of there? It won't be too soon, will it?
 
This is all so ridiculous. I really think that there needs to be an entire Macanudo Clan on hornfans. Can we register Mrs.Mac'sBoss and Mrs.Mac'sNemesis? I'd love to hear what they have to post.
 
Apparently there is some sort of Army regulation that outlines how every individual on post is able to report any issue to the command through the MPs or just through chain of command without fear of repercussion. It also mandates a 100% response by MPs or other reporting personnel.

I don't think the authors of that Army regulation thought to include a caveat for toaster misappropriations.

I wonder what the response time is for stolen toasters?
 
I know now you are kidding and this all just made up. MP's??? No way.

Just in case, I've subscribed to the Anchorage Daily News so that I can be kept current on latest police action.
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Hook'em!!!
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You should have (and still should if there is a large enough time frame) oraganize some sort of toaster civil war. Email as many of your coworkers that you can that you can trust to not tell her. Have said coworkers bring in as many toasters as they can. Duct tape butter knives/forks/etc to the sides of said toasters as "weapons". Put all of the toasters you and your coworkers have assembled and have given weapons on one side. Place her toaster (and monopoly money taped to it) on the other side by itself. Take pictures from above if possible. Print said pictures. Then post this picture along with caption of Hornfans choosing.. something along the lines of TORBUSH with accompanying faces, or all your toaster are belong to us. Perhaps use some variety of angry photoshopped cartoon little toaster to say this.

Please make this happen
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