Moving Parents?

[lostman]

Anyone done this or faced with this? Some background, I will try to be brief, though it is a bit complicated.

My siblings and I (there are 6 of us) are my parents financial support. Three of us are fairly secure financially, the other three are more towards the other end of the spectrum, but can help in limited amounts. One of my brothers and I own mom & dad's house. Bad business decisions years ago caused them to lose home and business. Dad is a 13 year prostate cancer survivor, and has Parkinsons. Mom is fairly healthy, although she manages to find stuff to go to the hospital for fairly often. Parents are in their mid to late 70's.

My parents have lived in the Chicago area all their lives. Dad's siblings are either passed on or lliving out of state, mom has only one sister who lives 15 minutes away. Sister has no kids. She and my uncle visit mom and dad fairly often, but they do not and can not care for them. My siblings and I are now spread out, and as of June this year, none will live in the Chicago area at all. Only sibling left in the Chicago area just took a job at U Kentucky and he is there now, family will move in June. So we are spread through Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Texas (Mineral Point, Hartford, Lexington, Dallas(Euless), Houston, and Wimberley)

We are looking and planning for assisted living. We do not want to wait until the last minute and financially compromise our own families. We would like to move the parents near one of the kids, but mom wants to stay in the Chicago area. If they did move, her sister and bro-in-law would eventually follow, but not right away. (His parents also need care). I can not see any positives for staying there (Chicago) other than it is what they know. With my brother moving - there is no "base of operations" and staying with Aunt is not an option. Mom can't see that they will see even less of grandkids if they stay than if they move near one of us. All she can think about is that it is hot in Texas. Never mind that she seldom does things outside.

Move them? Leave them??? How to convince them if we are to move them? I want them near one of us, but is that the best thing? dunno.

 

[general35]

Chicago winters are brutal, I can't believe in their old age that they would not want a more temperate climate. There are some very nice assisted living facilities around Austin and there are a few in Houston as well. Although I do not know of any, I am sure there are some in and around Dallas/FW. My grandfather lived in a nice one in Houston after my grandmother passed.

He had a lot of fun because he had been previously lonely, no longer needed the space of his house and he was around many people his own age. All of his friends had passed away. We visited often and took care of him because he was too old to drive...90.

Your parent situation is a little different because they are younger and stil together. However, it sounds like they are not in very good health. I would suggest you tell them to try an assisted living facility. If they don't like it they can always move back. Once they get used to it, they would probably like it.

When you get older, it is very important to maintain social relationships with people your own age...it gets harder the older you get and your friends keep dying off.

I would tell them that you want to be near them and care for them but no longer can because of the distance. Tell them to try the assisted living facility. Although I do not know the situation at all, they may actually like the change once they get used to it. Just my 2 cents.

 

[general35]

If it was me, I could not leave them there without at least a fight. If I left them without trying and something happened, I would feel guilt ridden for life. Better to tell them how you feel and how things are, then respect their wishes if they are insistent about staying. In the end, you have to respect your parents wishes.

 

[NBMisha]

I dunno. My in laws lived in Chicago until their respective ends. They loved that place, and never entertained a thought of living elsewhere. I don't know why I would try to change their minds, to satisfy my own criteria.

 

[lostman]

The winters are hard, no doubt, but if you have grown up with it, you do not know any different. One big concern is that in their house, they are isolated, my dad especially. I do want them somewhere where they can both be around other people to socialize. And I want them somewhere close to one of us.

I agree 110% that if somoething happened, I would have a very difficult time with it, if they were not close to one of us. I am fighting them, but it is a hard time convincing them. My hubby is also of their mind. He would rather stay in our home than be near kids in a senior community. I guess I will leave him when that time comes!

It is pretty much between Houston and Dallas, with Wimberley coming in third, just because there are more choices and better medical facilities than Wisconsin. The brother in Lexington just moved and we are ruling that out right now just because of that. He has to settle his family first.

I just don't get the "I want to stay here no matter what" train of thought though.

 

[Bob in Houston]

lostman, that's how my father-in-law was. He wanted to stay in the places he knew. My mother-in-law tried to get him to come down from the midwest more often, but he wasn't interested.

He passed away several years ago, and now my MIL is here in a retirement complex and loves it. When she was here by herself in an apartment complex, she hated it. But she's made a ton of friends and doesn't bother us for much of anything. I don't think she'd trade the weather anymore, either.

My own parents have gone off to live several hundred miles from the closest kid. I don't completely understand it, but they're happy too.

 

[Smurfette]

There is a really great assisted living home in Ennis TX called Oddfellows. (let's see if I can get this right... the Independent Order of Odd Fellows.) The Odd fellows homes were developed around the turn of the century or so when the men who had been cowboys their whole life out in the west got too old to be nomads anymore and had nowhere to go.

In Ennis, the Odd Fellows home is still around, but is an assisted living facility. My granny lives there and has for some time now. She has a one bedroom apartment with all her own furniture. All of her meals are provided. All of her bills are paid, (except her cable and phone.) It costs about $1300 a month.

She does the light cleaning, like dusting, but the heavy cleaning is done for her. She has her car and can come and go as she pleases. She agreed to sell her house and move there a few years back when my poppy had terminal cancer and had to go into the nursing home, (also a part of Odd Fellows-- located next door.) After being married for 71 years, losing him was very hard for her. Being in Odd Fellows was such a blessing because she was surrounded by friends. She had her privacy when she needed it, but had so many friends to take care of her and make sure she was OK... she tells her friends that don't live there that they're crazy not to sell their houses and move there.

I know it's hard to imagine moving out of their home. I bet there's a place like this in Chicago, too. If they live somewhere like this, they would be better off and it would put less of a burden on you.

BTW-- My granny has a flair for the dramatic and finds a reason to go to the hospital when she wants the family to come and visit. Last time, my dad talked the doctor into having her go to the nursing home for "rehabilitation" for 4 weeks after the hospitalization.She hated it so much that she hasn't been back to the hospital.