Knowing what you know now..

[El Sapo]

.. please post the 'real' Want Ad for your current job. I'll start :

Wanted : Ranch Hand

Need hired hand to work at central Texas game ranch.

Qualifications:

Must demonstrate a high tolerance for pain under a variety of circumstances including but not limited to : kneeling in cactus , falling in cactus, being tangled in barbed wire while falling in to cactus, fire ants bites, red ant bites, wasp stings, bee stings, cuts and deep punctures of all kinds, being kicked by cattle, being stepped on by cattle, being smashed into things by cattle, catching one's crotch on barbed wire, being sprayed with acid, etc.

Must have basic mechanical skills including but not limited to : figuring out why the truck has broken down 5 miles from the house, stopping runaway tractors, creating windshield wipers out of old shirts and duct tape

Must have strong upper body strength and a general lack for personal regard & safety. Must be immune to cold, heat, and the watchful advice of dermatologists.

The ability to perform monotonous tasks requiring little to no imagination for hours on end is a strong plus.

Serious inquiries only.

 

[El_Oso]

that read like poetry

 

[DoobieWah]

Who knew El Sapo was Gus McCall?

 

[formermav43]

In reply to:

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[El Sapo]

Gus McCall had more 'cowboy' in his little finger than I have in my whole body. Still, I appreciate being mentioned in the same sentence as him.

No takers? Surely someone has a funny 'insider' view of their job description they're willing to post.

 

[Bookman]

Wanted: Associate Attorney

Employer: Bait and Switch, LLP

Qualifications: Must be willing to spend countless hours doing mindless, numbing **** that the Partners don't want to do. Must be willing to take emotional abuse from insecure Partners when they realize that you're smarter than they are. Must be willing to suffer even more abuse when the court grants the motions you drafted but not the motions the Partner drafted. Must be willing to accept phone calls at 11 p.m. from a Partner who just wants to talk about fairly simple things that he doesn't understand. Must be willing to work in an incredibly disorganized office with incompetent help.

Salary: We reserve the right to not pay you what we say we'll pay you. And our 401(k) sucks, too.

 

[parkerco]

formermav- I'm with you. I'm too worried that I'm missing some "allsome" inside joke to call it out though.



Wanted- husband

Must be able to go without sex

Husband needed,

 

[Larry T. Spider]

Wanted: Prek teacher

Must be able to keep administrators, parents and children happy at all times even though they have conflicting goals. Must have a high tolerance for children not knowing what gender they are, classroom haircuts, snotty t-shirts, and parents that have less sense than their 4 y/o. Must not expect a competitive salary with your non-teacher friends that will probably make twice what you do. Do not expect to hear the words 'thank you' for the next 30 years.

Please check out our award winning cafeteria food.

 

[NCAAFBALLROX]

Wanted: Roofing Contractor.
Job Requirements: Must be able to lift 85+ lbs. onto your back & haul this weight up a 2 story ladder that has been placed @ nearly 90 degrees. Abitlity to repeat this an average of 75 times or more in a 1 hour time slot preferred.

Must be able to read people's minds, should not mind driving 45 minutes for an appointment & spend precious dollars on fuel only to be outbid by a "Handyman" who doesn't know a roofing nail from a thumbtack, & is willing to not ask for a deductible payment of $ 1,000.00 for your 20 year old crappy roof based on an insurance paid job that totals $ 6,000.00 - this means you paid less than 20% of what it should have cost you to replace your tired, worn out roof on your own. The lack of ethics when operating within the framework of real estate transactions is also highly prized by a respectable percentage of clientele.

Must be willing to withstand the insults of insurance adjusters who assume you have the intelligence of a 7th grade dropout but refuse arbitration when you refer to enineering reports & use forensics to prove a point.

Ability to work in extremes of heat for 12+ hours a day, accept insults as to one's intelligence & desire to be dragged around like a wooden puppy on a string is highly prized.

Salary: More than a buger flipper but less than the assistant to the custodian. No 401(k), no insurance unless you manage to marry into it.

 

[chango]

Wanted: Loan Officer for a company that shall not be named but covers the "width of the nation"

Requirement: Must be willing to work for Satan himself. 'Nuff said.

PS. I have never given anyone a pay option ARM in my entire life. (I've taken hell for it too but I always refused)

 

[Steel Shank]

Woodrow F. McRae?

 

[txboy_in_az]

Wanted: Senior Loan Specialist for above-mentioned mortgage company.
Must be able to sit amongst a group of incompetent idiots who are incapable of doing the job as well as you, but make as much. Must never complain and be content to make the company and account executives tons of money, while making nothing yourself. Must be expected to work Saturdays and never use vacation time, even though it has been maxed out for three years. Must be expected to train new employees, whether it interferes with your own work or not. Must not listen to rumors heard on any news outlets, even though most of it ends up being true, despite what managent says. Must be willing to accept blame for any mistakes made by account executives or management. All applicants accepted. No experience required.

 

[general35]

Bookman: what insurance defense firm do you work for?

 

[KC-97HORN]

Wanted: Phone Sales Rep for spin-off company

Qualifications: Must be told that as a condition of being hired by the Director of this new company that the parent company will support the spin off in every way, including supplying you with their current customer base as leads. Must be willing to "close" 10% of those super-hot leads every day and make at least 120 calls.
Upon hiring however, the VP of the new company feels that you shouldnt get the super-hot leads. Instead, those are being given to a minimum wage grunt because selling to those leads is like free money. Your reward for being hired is to be given a list of 1000 leads that are directly related to the computer parts manufacturing industry, and you will try and sell them on changing their current MULTI MILLION DOLLAR logistics system for your $99 internet based one.... Oh yeah and you WILL still be expected to get 10% of those leads closed.

Did I mention the required Saturday shift??? No?? Oh, "I forgot" to mention that during the interview, I swear I told you... "I Didnt?" Well its in your original offer sheet.... "Its not???" Well you have to work Saturday anyway....

 

[bandrew]

Hey KC97-HORN,
Put the cup down. Coffee is for CLOSERS!