I'm dating a widower

T

TXINPHX

< 25 Posts
We started seeing each other a month ago. He's about 9 years older than myself, and his wife died 3 years ago from a brain tumor. Of course, he celebrates her memory...there are pictures of her in his house, and he still wears his wedding band sometimes when he's at home. Part of me just thinks that he hasn't found anyone to replace her. They never lived in his current house together, but you can see her everywhere pretty much. Any advice? I'm trying to just take it one day at a time, but it's a brand new situation for me, and I'm not quite sure what to expect.
 
Three years isn't very long if he was really in love with her. It sounds like he was. That bodes well for you.

It's been shown that men who have strongly loved a woman and lost her are much more likely to develop a strong love in the future.

If I lost my wife, she would still be apart of me for the rest of my life. No one could replace her. But, I think after a time, I would be ready to find someone because when you have what we have now, it's hard not to want it again.

I'm sure I'd be messed up for a while, but I'm also pretty sure I'd be open to finding a new love when the time was right.

That doesn't mean that I would ever forget my wife. It's an interesting situation. You'll have to play it by ear. Just like all things in relationships communication is the key. If it's going to work out, you should be able to talk about it and you might be surprised how easy it turns out being.

He's probably had some of the same thoughts as you and getting it out in the open will be beneficial to all in the long run, even if it's a little awkward at first.

Good luck!
 
I am a somewhat recent widower and my suggestion, if you are interested in him, is to wait and see how he does. Three years is getting out there, but it doesn't surprise me. Be patient. As long as he doesn't have a shrine, you are still in the game if you want to be.
 
Some people just do not adjust to a devastating event like that, but most go through a normal grieving process and want to move on with their life.
Hopefully, he will find that while you do not have all the qualities of his deceased wife, you have qualities she did not have-all people are this way. If it is meant to be, he will begin to appreciate your good qualities-hope it works out for you.
I would advise not harping on the photos of the wife, although I can see this would tend to be hurtful at times.
 
Take it one day at a time. And eventually, the memories you build and the pictures you two take will stand along side, and at some point, outnumber the photos of his wife, RIP.
 
If I lost my wife, the mother of my children, I damn sure would have a shrine. Any new relationship would be welcomed, but a second love is still a second love.

For most long term marriages, the couple grew up together, became adults together, bought their first house together, had children together, had so many firsts, you just can't expect to replace that.

What you can expect or ask for is for the man to make room in his heart for both of you. Of course, I probably wouldn't go there in the coming months as you've got a long way to go to acheive that status.

I am a wierd guy in some respects, but if I were in a similar position, I not only wouldn't want to replace her, I'd want to be an addition to her. I'd give him their anniversary date and a few other dates (birthday, etc.) to celebrate her and remember and I'd never get jealous. Pictures would always be welcomed. The key would be to spend the majority of our time in the present with her well in the background.
 
First off, I want to say thanks to everyone that has wished me good luck. I appreciate that. This is indeed very new, so I'm just going to see what happens, go with the flow, and see how things go for him. Obviously, I, in no way, want to push him. I just thought it would be a good idea for me to get on here and see if there was anyone that could offer any advice on what to expect, or what problems you could see occurring, so I could be a little more prepared. I know I will never replace her, he loved her quite deeply, cared for her when she was sick, and I think it's great that he celebrates her memory. Keep the experiences and advice flowing, if there are any more of you out there.
 
Ever have a pet when you were a kid? Have you had one recently? Do you have trouble loving the one you have now, because you loved that other pet when you were a kid?
 
I lost my wife to a brain tumor 13 years ago , I was 27. It happened the day after my second son was born. I was left with and18 month old a newborn and a horrible grief that I figured would never go away. I sat in my sorrow and grief until I realized that I had to get out and live my life for me and my kids. After a year and a half I started dating and it was very hard. I evetually met the right Woman who was eight years younger than me. It was hell early and there were tons of problems that come with any ready made family, much less a widow situation with young kids. I will never fully "get over" losing my wife. She is still a part of my life and will always be. My second wife who I have been with for ten years now has been great and has taken on the mother role quite well. She respects my former inlaws and is close to them as well. Recently we decided that it was time for children. After trying for 3 months we recently learned she was pregnant
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Went for the ultrasound monday and we found out were having twins
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I to thought I could never replace my wife. Its not really about that.
 
One of my dearest friends is a 34 year old widow. Husband died in June 2006 of cancer. Two young girls ages 5 and 3. She's seeing a younger co-worker. I cannot find any fault. I've not been in her shoes.
 
coopntex, I am so happy that things are working out for you. You sound like a great person and a great father. Congrats on the good news!
 
Both a grandfather and an uncle remarried quickly after the deaths of my grandmother and aunt to cancer. Though I was initially surprised, many have said that it shows the men loved their wives and valued their marriages. I never thought they "replaced" them in any way.

Good luck!
 
txinphx;

good for you. i hope it works out for you. hang in there and if you are comfortable doing so, keep us updated.

longhorn surgeon:

you're a jerk. keep your mouth shut.
 
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