If the dog hadn't stopped.....

[txboy_in_az]

....to take a sh*t, he would have caught the rabbit. Mom always said this one to me as a kid. Others include:
If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his *** when he hopped.
My uncle always used to say, "He's as worthless as tits on a bullhog."
I love using phrases such as this ^ one out here, and having people laugh their *** off, as they've never heard most of the similes/metaphors that come out of my mouth. Any others?

 

[Art Vandelay]

A couple favorites from my Dad....

- "If you don't use your head you might as well have two ********."
- "I was happier than a puppy with two peckers."

 

[eugene11]

Ive always been a fan of "that dog want hunt". Dont knwo why. just kind of like it

 

[hullabelew]

"The girl was built when meat was cheap"
And the saying is 'tits on a boar hog'.

 

[wolfman]

If "ifs and buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

 

[El Sapo]

In reply to:

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[PFD]

About an ugly woman:

"She'd make a freight train take a dirt road."

About an attractive woman:

"She'd make a little dog break a thick chain."

 

[GatorDave]

When someone's trying to plan something, and maybe it's turning into a cluster:

"Hey, you're ******* this chicken, we're just holding the wings".

 

[DLev]

When choosing to match my bet in a low limit poker game, "Hell, I'd pay $2 to watch 40 monkeys hump a football."

 

[tbone]

When something goes well, my dad always says, "Thats better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick".

wtf.

 

[Art Vandelay]

When something bad happens, my Dad says, "I haven't had this much fun since my puppy died."

 

[horngrad03]

I feel like a one legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond.

There's as much chance of that as a one legged man winning an asskicking contest.

 

[txboy_in_az]

In reply to:

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[texashorne]

"I'm hungrier than a woodpecker with a headache."

 

[hullabelew]

My dad used to tell me having me along to help gather cattle was like loosing two GOOD men.

He also told me on more than one occasion that he should have rolled over and shot me on the wall.

 

[LITNIN HORN]

It's finer than frog's hair.
If you try that you'll be pissin' in the wind.
She's built like a brick **** house.

 

[RoundhouseKick]

In reply to:

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[PFD]

Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere.

Colder than a well-digger's *** in the Yukon Territory.

 

[El Sapo]

Courtesy of an old drill sergeant -

"That's as wrong as three boys kissing."

 

[cloydtex]

"He's so tight, he makes the eagle on the silver dollar scream."

 

[BrothaHorn]

If if was a fifth, we'd all be drunk = stop making excuses

 

[betterthanyOU]

Does a fat dog fart when you kick it?

 

[Vicerous]

"That dog just aint gonna hunt!"

Compliments of Major Horton of course

 

[Garibaldi]

When you're waiting on someone
"Dollar waitin on a dime"

Trying to do the impossible:
"Turning chickenshit into chicken salad"

 

[schnarkle]

When I was a kid working construction for my dad, whenever a laborer overturns a wheelbarrow of bricks slowing down the bricklayers..

Dad shaking his head: "Dollar waiting on a dime."

 

[parkerco]

I wouldn't take her to a **** fight.

And my all-time favorite, courtesy (unintentionally) of my wife- "that's gayer than a two dollar bill."

 

[PFD]

He's tighter than bark on a tree.

 

[ptownhorn]

you cant take **** and turn it into ice cream

you can polish a turd all you want, but its still ****

 

[GreasenUSA]

If dogs had square ********, they'd **** bricks and we'd build houses with them.

from my HS football coach

 

[knutz]

When us kids wanted something, my grandfather would say, "Want in one hand and **** in the other and see which one fills up the fastest."