I really messed up

A

Anonymous

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Hi all, regular poster here... choosing to post this request anonymously.

I got married almost two years ago to a beautiful Christian woman. Our first 1.5 years of marriage have been great, but there's something I brought into it that has almost ruined it. Yep, the toast of 3:16, internet porn. I'm a Christian, but like many others like me, I really struggle w. this one. I can go weeks, months even and not look up a site. Then it hits me and I delve into it, usually when she's not home. Part of me was thinking I could just cover it up and it would be no big deal. Well, God has other plans. Yesterday my wife emailed me and asked me point blank: Are you looking at Internet porn? She'd asked me this a few months ago and I lied. I flat out lied, telling myself it was ok b/c I would never do it again from then on. Well, this time the conviction was too much, so I left work early, walked in the door, and broke down. I never felt more terrified, sickened, and ashamed in my life. Despite my best intentions, she inadvertantly found some stuff that was hiding in a cached directory somewhere while checking her email.
The long of the short of it is, that I really hurt her. Really really hurt her. This stuff is positively awful. We talked, I cried, she cried, we read the Word, did a Bible study, and prayed. Later last night I felt more freedom then I have ever felt before, and I know she feels closer to me now.
I'm posting this request not because I think our marriage is in trouble; I'm posting this request because I need prayers to make our marriage even stronger; prayers to make me do the right thing and find another man in our church to start holding me accountable; and prayers that my wife stays strong and doesn't succumb to anger or hurt. This morning she was not in a good mood and I could tell this was eating at her. I'm so thankful God made her confront me and that she's in my life. Yesterday was the worst, and best, day of my life all at once. Guys, if you're reading this and are struggling w. this same addiction, please heed my advice: Don't hide it. It will only consume you and hurt you and the ones you love. Get help.
 
A website that may help you out isThe Link They have a lot of resources available to help you out.
 
Just did pray for you and your wife. Post later sometime how you are doing.
 
Also, I did just go through that website, including the free demos, and it looks very well done.
 
Update:

Things are going really well. It's been such a sense of relief. My wife has been so supportive I have to double check that she's aware I did what I did. We've been reading through some material on the subject, most notably "Every Man's Battle" and the "Every Heart Restored" counterpart for my wife. She's insisted I install some kind of filtering software on the computer, which I'm more than happy to do. I can honestly say I've not been tempted at all in the last 10 days while on the web, which is good. However, I am smart enough to realize that just when you think you have something beat it will come back, so I've had some good converstations w. my local pastor.
So far so good guys, thanks for praying. I just hope that she's able to trust me fully again soon.
 
Check out Covenant Eyes it's great software. If you want you can have it sent to your wife. Or if you have an accountability partner have it sent to them. It's a great program and it is pretty cheap. It reveals a lot of things as it ranks what you are looking at based on their DB. So even if you are trying to skirt the edge it helps.
You should also check out "Every man's marriage" it's a great book for men that are married. It made me look at my wife in a whole new way. You can do it, but the best advice i ever got on this is, "don't ever think you are over it, when you let your guard down you will fall"
You are in my prayers.
 

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