I need convincing (re: crazy women)

R

ryskey

100+ Posts
Obviously I put this here because I need serious responses.

I just completely ended things with my girlfriend of several months two days ago. She's 22, I'm 26. She has a bunch of qualities I value- she's down to earth, frugal, not into material possessions, very sweet, usually very pleasant, enthusiastic, caring, friendly, easy-going, outwardly optimistic, can think critically, can sometimes admit when she's at fault, and she's freaking beautiful.

Yeah, so what the hell is wrong with me? Well, that's not all.

She's also overly emotional about small stuff, overly sensitive, volatile, inwardly pessimistic, has major trust issues, has the biggest case of insecurity I've ever seen, can get downright mean and say some nasty stuff when she gets mad, buries her anger and anxiety and refuses to acknowledge them, not into intellectual pursuits (which up until she went crazy has been my biggest issue), is often cold and withdrawn (at least from me), is hypercritical (she could find something wrong with Jesus Christ), can't be reasoned with, has a victim complex, and when she gets something illogical in her head and I confront her with facts she likes to revise history.

You're probably thinking "that sounds like all women." Just wanted to get that joke out of the way.

The cause of all this stuff: she has gone through some things that can cause serious psychological trauma (I think you can guess), and has not sought counseling. The pain is buried so deep, she really thinks there's nothing wrong. She had a boyfriend of about a year who put her down all the time and treated her like crap. She had a horrible relationship with her parents (as in moved out during high school for 6 months) until very recently. She openly admits she doesn't trust anyone, and always concentrates on worst-case scenarios. I tried to get her into counseling (she went a couple times with me and refused to cooperate), but she doesn't like going because she "doesn't want anyone to know there's anything wrong." BIG red flag.

So, folks, I'm looking for assurance that I did the right thing, that this would only end badly. We were getting very serious. But right now, I have this horrible, gut-wrenching feeling. Like I did something really impulsive and stupid. I know the withdrawal from a lack of serotonin and dopamine and whatever other brain chemicals I had before is causing this doubt right now, but that doesn't make it any easier.
 
You did the right thing. Life is too short to be miserable for years while somebody tries to work through their psychological problems, no matter how much you want to help them or how much you love them. It isn't fair for you to have to endure that.

As much as you care for someone and want the best for them, you can't be their psychologist. The problems they have are problems that THEY have to work out, not you - and you can't work them out for them.
 
If everything you say is true, she needs professional help. You've tried. She's refused.

Leaving you with the choice: keep trying or cut her loose. I can't tell you which choice is correct. But you are probably right in assuming your relationship would eventually be poisoned by her past, until she comes to terms with it. And yet she is the only one who can take the first step towards coming to terms with it. Until she does so you've made your choice. Be sure to stick to it.
 
Crazy women are great in the short term but not so much in the long term. Then again, she's 22 and weren't we all a little unbalanced at 22?

It sounds like she has father issues to me, by that's my pure amateur guess. She'll transpose those issues onto every man she ever dates/marries.

In the short term, you're willing and able to overlook things like you've described. The good outweighs the bad, so to speak. It's the opposite in the long term.
 
she's 22. that's all you need to know.

early 20s is as difficult a time as early teens. you just have no idea who you are. you don't have a foundation from which to draw strength.

i think back to my early and mid 20s and fondly remember what a wreck i was. of course, at the time, i had no idea how lost i was. w/ age comes wisdom.

kick her to the curb. look her up in 5-6 years. let her grow up a little. things may be better. but then again, some people are just not happy people. and for those, life is too short to help them carry their burden. it'll only bring you down.
 
It is very difficult to convince some people that getting mental heath treatment is a good thing. The only way that I know is to go yourself, and talk about it openly with other people you know that go.

After this, it is up to you.

As a reminder:
Women date men and fix them up. Men get cars and fix them up.
 
Thanks. The more reassurance I get, the better I feel. And yeah, I've been quietly worried about the age since the beginning. I knew the immaturity would come out at some point. It also helps when she grovels. Damn, that's the hardest part.

The weird thing is- most of the craziness didn't come out until recently, I guess at the point where she felt comfortable enough around me to act normal. The previous several months went wonderfully; few of those traits were evident and all our arguments were over small stuff and were resolved quickly. She just seemed so sane and so emotionally healthy until a few weeks ago. Picking out the crazy ones has been easy other than this one. I would've never allowed myself to become attached if I knew.
 
Like was pointed out earlier, she is at that stage where women really start to figure out who they are and what they want. Sometimes it's a hard road for them if they have a bunch of baggage like it sounds like she does.

It's always dangerous to get too serious with women that age because they may have very different goals and ideas when they really come to grips with what they really want and need from themselves and others around them.

Its funny, they say girls mature earlier than boys and it's true, but it's a half truth. Men mature in one fell swoop and it really only involves learning to take care of their business and thinking long term.

Other than that we don't change much. We're still pretty uncomplicated at heart. But we have it easy. It's our world.

Women, on the other hand, have to blend in socially in ways that men don't truly appreciate. In some ways they have to be different women for the many roles they play. They are expected to blend all these different roles into a seamless entity. They don't always get to make decisions for them, but have to give many other factors more consideration than men. It's in their early 20s that they begin to understand themselves enough to manage these many roles and to make decisions about what they truly want. They'll always have multiple roles and complex societal demands, but they understand their core person better and finally know what really makes them happy.

IMO from observing them for 30 years.
 
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your description is remarkably similar to someone I dated very seriously for nearly two years. The first year was awesome. The second year, off and on, was a disaster.

When things were good, they were great. Honestly, they were better than any relationship I ever had. When things were bad though, they were horrible.

Crazy is crazy. You can't reason with crazy. You can't use logic with crazy.You can only placate crazy by being dishonest with either yourself or her. I wasn't going there. I finally figured out that the only effective way to deal with crazy was to walk away from it. First, for short periods, then all together.

It's hard to walk away from something good though. You overlook the problems at first. You explain them away as temporary, or situation specific. You keep telling yourself that she's only a few tweaks away from being "the one". She's not.

Google "bipolar" and do some reading. This stuff doesn't just go away. If you are even considering a long term relationship with her, you better have your eyes WIDE OPEN about the fact that this is the way things are always going to be. Tigers DO NOT change their stripes.

Maybe she's not technically crazy. Maybe she's just a bitter, angry, low self esteem, glass half empty type of person. I don't recommend spending your life with that kind of person either.

In reply to:
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Wrong.. Wrong .. Wrong.. go back and marry her this very instant!

That way, in 5 - 10 years, a fellow barrister can make A LOT of money off you in the inevitable divorce thereby helping him make his Mercedes car payment or pay for that great new addition to his house. AND, all that plus you will only have to give up between 21 - 25% of your net income until all of your kids turn 18.

Run Simba... run fast.. run hard and don't ever look back!
 
i don't think she's crazy. your description of her fits over 1/2 fo the women that i know now (i'm 38), and 99% of the women that i knew in my early 20s. unfortunately it's normal. as a poster above noted, i think it's socialogical. women just have some f'ed up and inconsistent expectations placed on them from the parents, friends, media, etc.

some women can cope, most can't. so they become bitter and bytch most of the time. and she didn't just miraculously show this side to you. you're just over the glow of new trim and finally paying attention to things not aimed at getting you laid.
 
Sorry, I'm using the word "crazy" in the most colloquial and unofficial of terms possible.

I did do some research on bipolar disorder a couple weeks ago. That sounds like her, but some of the symptoms seemed kind of broad. The counselor seemed to avoid that subject when I went back by myself (I think there's some ethical violation of discussing another person's possible diagnoses).

And I think her symptoms go way beyond typical female behavior- symptoms of insecurity, etc. I learned to deal with and accept irrationality a while ago. Who knows, maybe I've only been exposed to the women who can cope, but this is exponentially worse than anything I've ever experienced or seen before. I'd start giving details, but I don't want to get too specific.

And I realize it's easy to gloss over faults when a relationship is new, and realization occurs when that aura is gone. I'm used to that, too. She's just a completely different person now, and I think it's because she reached that comfort zone and let the facade fade away.
 
all women are crazy, but so are most men. you just have to find the right amount and right kind of crazy for you. my wife and i fit. her crazy is easy to deal with for me and vice versa. good luck to you.
 
^
Ding.

Hence the efforts to get her into counseling. Years of pretending like something didn't happen will have detrimental effects on one's psyche.
 
I've seen bi-polar. In fact, we're dealing with a bi-polar friend going through a significant "episode" right now. What you were dealing with wasn't bi-polar, at least not significantly so.

No, what you were dealing with was "messed up woman" syndrome. Not that uncommon an affliction. Sometimes, it is cured by maturity. Sometimes, it is cured (or at least mitigated) by counseling and dealing with past ****. But in all cases, she needs to WANT to face it and either grow past it or work past it. If she refuses to do so -- and at 22, most of us refuse to do anything other folks suggest, because we're obstinate know-it-alls -- then she ain't gonna get any better.

And honestly, as you haven't taken any vows, it isn't your responsibility, or a wise choice, to shepherd her throught hose things. Let her know that she has some choices to make -- those choices are choices to help herself. If she makes those choices, then she also chooses you. If she doesn't make those choices, then she chooses "NOT you."

Whatever the case, you will be you. If she comes to you having made the right choices, nifty. But the chances of that are likely next to zero at this point.

Whether it's bonafide diagnosible crazy, or it's just "messed up woman" crazy, the truth is the same indeed -- you can't reason with crazy. That's the very definition of crazy, and logic and reason are foreign languages to a crazy person (again, our current experience with a bi-polar person is the text book on this).
 
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