'I haven't slept for ten days....

[txboy_in_az]

....because that would be too long."
"I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a truckload of potatoes showed up. Pringles is a laid back company; they said, '**** it, cut 'em up!'"
"I got my hair highlighted because I thought certain strands were more important than others."
"I saw a kid in flying a kite in the park and he was excited. I could not figure out why he was excited; that's what they're supposed to. If he would have had a chair on the other end of that string, I would get it. Can you imagine flying a chair? You would have to run like a ************!"
"I make instant oatmeal in the morning, then don't do **** for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive."
"I was at a casino and a man came up and said, 'You are blocking the fire exit, you're gonna have to move.' As though if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run!"
"They say Sprite is made of lemon and lime, but I tried making it at home and there is more to it."
"I saw this wine-o and he was eating grapes. I said, 'Dude, you have to wait.'"
"I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that **** is under control."
"I got a ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****!"
"I bought a parrot that talked, but it did not say I'm hungry, so it died."
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read."
"I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird."

-Mitch Hedberg

 

[Art Vandelay]

Thanks for the laughs

That dude was one of a kind.

 

[chango]

Wow, I had no idea he died ... I remember watching his Comedy Central special a few years ago not knowing who he was and laughing hysterically. Some of the best comedy ever.

 

[Red Five]

Must include the corn-on-the-cob bit.

 

[chango]

This is my favorite joke of his:

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!

 

[Drew Shirley]

I love the 1-800-I-ENJOY-CARPETING bit.

 

[txboy_in_az]

"I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks ****. "
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. "
"I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. "
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan ******* lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' ****."
"I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
"I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the **** would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."
"I went to the store to buy a candleholder but the store didnt have one, so i got a cake. "
"I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still get up there. "
"I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide."
"I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
"Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I ****** up. "
"My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird *** quiz where he reveals the answer first. "
"I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. "

 

[Hornius Emeritus]

"Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the straps."

 

[BillyW]

I always liked Stephen Wright who has the same type of humor

Why do people park in driveways and drive in parkways

If blind people wear sunglasses shouldnt deaf people wear earmuffs

 

[HOOKMD]

F Heroin

 

[El Sapo]

"...I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here. It's in the file cabinet, under 'D' "

Rest in Peace, Mitch.