Great Hills Horn
100+ Posts
Change Louisiana to Texas and everyone will be fine:
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll
start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana,"
you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turns out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll
start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana,"
you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turns out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
