How long before I can know joy again?

T

TTK

100+ Posts
While I know that no one really knows, it might be comforting to hear from others that have gone through similar straits.

I'm just wrapping up my divorce. The soon to be ex is moving about 100 miles away, and we're sharing custody of our young child. Our marriage was less than 4 years, but in that time I swear that we had more drama, hurdles, and misunderstandings than most couples would have in 20 years.

I was extremely angry for the first 6 months of the divorce battle, and could not think beyond the end of that fight. Now that it has concluded and the finality of everything is taking shape, my anger has been replaced with an almost overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness. As I'm still in my 30s, everyone keeps telling me that things worked out for the best and that I'll find happiness again, etc...I can not even imagine going out on a date again, or opening myself up to this kind of hell again. Frankly, with my emotional state right now, I can not see anyone wanting to go out with me either, and would warn them as such.

Although I hope that no one has ever been through this before, I know that many have. So, how long did it take before a song on the radio, watching a family experience a moment of joy at the store, or some other trigger not make you melt into tears? How long before you could talk to someone about it without your voice cracking and your eyes misting? How long before you were able to hold things together long enough to be able to look for joy and light in your life again?

Don't worry, I'm not on suicide watch.
 
i hope you find it very soon. maybe even, it will find you.
 
You can't go over, around, or under a divorce...you have to go through it....and it sucks.

You'll start to feel better when you ink the decree. There is a measure of finality that affords a sigh of relief. You will feel better when you get into the flow of visitations with your child that are better than you could possibly imagine. You will feel better when you grill a steak at midnight and eat it in bed watching "Blackhawk Down". You will feel better when you are having a pissy argument with your ex and you interrupt her to say "can you hold that thought just one second" and you sneak out the back door and drive away knowing you don't have to resolve any of the arguments to her satisfaction ever again. You will feel better when you can get a good nights rest because your mind has stopped spinning from all the anguish. It will. And you will.
 
for some it takes a day for some it never happens. the strangest things sometimes happen when we are least expecting it. i think the best advice is somewhere between, "don't try to force things" and "don't think meat, it can only hurt the team".
smile.gif
 
Just focus on being the best TTK you can be, and although it will take a while, at some point you will be back to relative normality. Get involved in a hobby, church activity, charity, go to a lot of Longhorn games, smoke a lot of pot, no, scratch that last one...keep busy with something you find interesting and/or important.
 
I was pretty much over the marriage by the time we signed the decree. Of course I was still banging her, so I had the benefits without having to live or be married to my ex.
 
Wait an entire year to do any kind of dating. Work on YOU for that year. Once you get your crap together, the prettier sex will be into you. Don't worry. If you are the spiritual type, go spend lots of time with hay-seuss.
 
You will begin to feel better the second you bang a hot 21 year old UT student. At least that was my experience.
 
Perspective. In tough situations, I always think about the many someones out there that have it worse. The kid that is dealing with cancer or a parent who has lost a child. You will get through this and you will have grown bc of it. My debt kicks my *** and gets me down, but I just look at my daughters and am happy they are healthy and happy.
 
I'd think of all the great things about being single. You have a lot of freedom to pursue your ambitions. Look at yourself 10 years down the road. What do you want to be doing? Put your energy into making it happen. Don't worry about love... "Love will find a way."
 
The important thing to know is that you will feel joy again -- a lot of it. Getting your emotional balance again will be wonderful. It's hard to know when it will happen. "Banging a 21 year old" usually leads to more emotional imbalance.
 
The August 30th comment made me laugh.

Anyway, never forget that people are as happy as they want to be. I've been through what you're going through and I would run across people in similar situations who were bitter and miserable for years. Whether the bitterness and misery are justified is irrelevant. What is relevant is that if you're the one bitter and miserable then that's your loss. The only one that hurts is you.

I made a conscious effort to be happy. Sometimes that was very difficult but in the end, I moved on and my life is much better now.

An example of the flip side is my wife's mother. Her parents divorced in the mid 1980's and she's still angry and bitter. Her dad remarried and moved on. Who do you think is happier? Is the anger and bitterness doing her any good?

I hope everything goes well for you. I've been there. Just remember, you only have one life. Don't spend the one you have unwisely. You won't get it back.
 
Wow, well said dead horse.
I am gonna try to implement that too.
My problem is that my EX goes to the same places I do.
When I go out I am mentally wishing that I don't run into her and it really puts a strain on my night.
I usually always see her or someone inevitably comes up and says she is over there.
It is really shocking that I run into her almost every time I go out but can go years without running into friends.
 
I found joy when the divorce was final...

Actually, I had already found it. Like Dead said, you make it happen.

Having said that, lots of new *** will help until you do.
 
Don't listen to He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones, or you may get even more depressed.

Never married, but went thru plenty of heartbreak in my day: it will get better with time. The other day, I had a hard time remembering one ex's name... yet our breakup had destroyed me.
 
DeadHorse nailed it.

For the first few months, the emotional instability drove me nuts. As far as I can tell, it was almost like being a woman. But if you make your mind up to be happy, and work at it, you can become happy again. Find reasons to be thankful. Be productive. Work on you. Day by day, the world will return to normal.

Good luck.
 
I agree with the poster who said do not date immediately after your divorce. Now is the time to focus on YOU. As far as the bitterness, sadness, etc....these issues just take time. Try to gather some friends around you and get support from your family (Mom, Dad, Sisters, Brothers, etc).
 
hit the gym. improve yourself. it will take time, but you will make it back. also, from what i have heard, there is nothing better than after divorce sex. good luck to you.
 
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the advice and thoughts. Also, the "August 30th" answer was a nice and needed chuckle. I guess that I am expecting ups & downs, good days & bad days, etc...
 
I just helped a buddy though this and he is starting to find happiness again. The emptiness isn't gone, but he is moving on slowly but surely. Having his kid nearby probably helps here, but he is 4 as well. You may never be completely "over" the marriage, but mentally you need to move on and realize you honestly have your whole life ahead of you.
1) exercise- in a gym, local trails, 5k run etc. Exercise will actually help you CHEMICALLY feel better. more importantly each trip to the gym, mile you walk or run is time you are putting into YOU. I will also say that the better you feel physically nearly always overflows into how you feel mentally

2) Become a joiner... join a running group, a political group, a group that feeds the homes, habitat for humanity or any of the other tons of volunteer and other sorts of groups. SImply being around other people will make you feel better than sitting home watching the tube and focusing on the death of your marriage.

3) Explore an old interest or new interest that perhaps you could not ahve done while married. Could be a class at the community college, learning a new software, sky diving, yoga, selling stuff on Ebay, or whatever. Something new to grab your attention for a while


I feel for you, but realize the sooner you can get past the death of your marriage, the sooner you can help build the best relationship with your ex you can... for your child's sake. Sometimes KNOWING what's best for your kid can actually help you do what's best for yourself.

Best of luck.... I might go for the August 30th as well.... if it involves banging a hot 22 year old.... Getting laid helps I think. As it revalidates your "appeal" and frankly provides intimacy. Don't go searching for "Mrs.Right" just go out and have fun, and realize that if a girl likes you now you will get laid probably on the first or second date. My divorced buddies would swap with me in a minute, but being single provides for some great opportunities for fun with a variety of women. Everything I have said above also is the same for women in my opinion.

Only time will heal the wound, but sitting at home picking at the wound, reexamining the wound, wondering about the depth of the wound, etc. is NOT the way to heal.

Best of luck to you.


.
 
Do stuff you couldn't do when you were married. I'm not divorced, but sometimes fantasize about what I would do if I was. Play golf, hang out at happy hour, watch porn, smoke joints in your living room, not clean up after anybody else, buy a car without negotiating with your spouse. The list goes on. Some guys wish they were in your shoes.
 
They say time heals all wounds. .well it did for my sister. we was married to a guy she calls POS I call Satan. they divored and he made her life hell durring it. even at one point got custody of 4 kids had friends say she was a drug dealer instead of him. well she got through it, they each raised 2 kids sharing visits. the 2 he raised are in prison. and before that happened he made sure they acted like hell when they visited her.
She's moved on and now married to her soul mate and the happiest she's ever been.
the 2 kids she raised are happy going to ACC and such..

takes time but it will work out soon I hope.. Prayers.
 
Well, if you're misery, I'm company.

GF and I have had a rocky 3 years and we've decided to call it quits. She's moving back to CC with my two year old son. Now, gas prices are going to kill me. 450 miles round trip, if gase holds steady (haha) that will cost me about 120 a trip. Sux.



But, she and I had had enough of each other and we were together only for the kid, and that's never good.
 
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