how do I help my alcoholic/drug addicted brother?

H

HornCyclist

500+ Posts
My brother is 32. Since high school he has had problems with alcohol and drug abuse. In high school, it wasn't much more than the normal adolescent experimentation, but through college it got worse and worse. At the end of college he had a drug related arrest for being stopped with a bunch of pain killers and other drugs. I believe he was working at a pharmacy at a time and it was rumored that he was taking pills from the pharmacy. Though, he's had several surgeries and did not need to take the pills; a doctor was prescribing them.

Since that time, he's floated from one addiction to the next -- vicodin, marijuana, alcohol, repeat. He started having panic attacks at some point and was prescribed a benzodiazepine, clonazepam for the anxiety. He has been on the clonzepam for about three years, and I think it does nothing but calm withdrawal symptoms at this point. He hasn't been able to hold down a job or maintain healthy relationships because of his addictions, despite him being smart and a decent guy.

My Parents and I, his only sibling, have tried everything we knew to do over the years...a lot of times he'll just deny there's a problem or try AA and then quit quickly. He'll make attempts by himself to get sober and stay off the pills, but he always slides back into it. I can tell immediately if he's been drinking or taking pills. He goes into sorts of nods...is very out of it...mumbling, inarticulate and in his head. He's like this a lot of the time.

He just quit his job because he couldn't handle the stress after admitting himself into a mental hospital for five days due to anxiety and depression. I saw him the day he got out of there and was at the time focused on helping him with the benzo dependence and depression; I've had my own struggles with depression and felt I could really help him there. I thought at that time that the drinking and the pain pills were no longer in the equation, but I found out today, from my parents, that he's back to that.

So he's depressed is addicted to alcohol, pain pills and benzodiazepines. He has no job now and recently broke up with his fiance, which is a good thing because she condoned te unhealthy behavior. I hear about addicts hitting rock bottom...I feel like he's been skidding on rock bottom for years.

My mother called me today at a loss of what to do. She and my dad can't take much more of watching their son destroy his life. I can't take much more of it. In addition to wrecking his own life, he has wrecked the lives of all those around him. I want to help him, to help my parents help him and help him help himself. I don't really know where to begin. I've seen various threads on addiction and recovery on here through the years, so I thought some of you might have some ideas. Any websites with resources or suggestions on approaches to take would be greatly appreciated. Also, any advice on how to cope with a family member destroying himself. I live in Austin, and he and my parents live in Abilene. Thank you.
 
Went through this with my uncle. Ultimately, there is not much you can really do until they are ready to make a change. Don't enable them to continue pursuing their addiction (give money, bail them out of jail, give them a place to stay etc while they are using). Tell them you love them, but can't help them with any of that. Do offer to take them to rehab when they are ready to get better. When they approach you saying they are willing to go, drop everything and take them right then. Investigate locations beforehand, have a place or two picked out and go that day. They may back out if you have to wait a week or two trying to find out where to go. Good luck. It's a tough road watching someone you care about going through addiction.
 
Gasman nailed it. You have my condolences and prayers. Stand firm in refusing to enable the behavior and ready to help facilitate rehab. Addicts end up in recovery, prison, or the ground, and only they can choose.
 
I can offer nothing but prayers for your family, and especially your brother, which I will give in abundance.
 
^Gasman. There isn't a thing in the world you can do to help, until they want to be helped and are serious about it. In the meantime, I would help your parents to protect their identities from theft, as well as household and personal goods. They won't admit this might be a necessity until it's too late. I have firsthand experience dealing with a sibling that stole another's identity, as well as swindled the parents' life savings. It's an ongoing saga with the only lulls coming when the sibling is in jail.

I'm truly sorry for the very very difficult position you're in, and wish I had a happier, better response. Good luck and since he probably won't say it, "thanks for caring, you're a good brother."
 
Agree with protecting against theft, my mom and grandmother both had things stolen from them by my uncle when ever he came to "visit". Anything of value (money, guns, jewelry) should be kept locked up or away. Esp things of sentimental value. I ended up storing my grandfathers old coin collection since I lived 200 miles away from them. It took 3 turns in jail and a whole lot of other rocky times (20+years worth), but ultimately my uncle got clean. So there is hope.
 
The only thing we can offer is sympathy. There is no other advice than the good words posted above.
I don't know of any more difficult problem with which to deal, except maybe some types of mental illness.
You could get some books at Half Price Books on understanding the scope of the problem.
There is the attempted "forced intervention," basically capturing him and forcing him into a rehab center, but unless he really wants to co-operate, even this may be fruitless.
I think offering to help get him to rehab is the best and only course of action, and do try to protect your parents assets from him. Addicts will do anything to get their fix.
Some people have an "addictive personality" and will tend to overdo anything they try. Pot, alcohol, pills, cough syrup. Stuff other people can use rationally and moderately, they have to use to excess.
AA is good, but they have to admit they have a problem and keep attending.
A friend of mine always said he was an alcoholic and attended AA meetings, and he hadn't drank a drop in 30 years. He had major problems with it when he was young, though.
Wish I could offer some magic advice, but there really isn't any. Maybe one day your brother will snap and realize he is wrecking cars, ruining his marriage (relationship), friendships, and getting thrown in jail, and quit like my friend did, and work on the problem for the rest of his life. That's what is takes, and I respect someone who can take that step.
Good luck.
 
The only thing I can add is that i think you should change your question to "How do I help my parents (and myself) deal with an alcoholic/drug addicted brother." There are plenty of publications out there on how to help you and your parents deal with the situation he is forcing onto you. Until he decides he wants to fix the problem, the problem won't get fixed. You have nothing to feel guuilty or sorry about, and neither do they. You have done what you could do to help him. Now you need to help your parents and make sure he doesn't take advantage of them.
 
My brother and s-i-l have battled this for 14 years with my nephew. He has been in and out of rehab and especially prison. They have continued to try to help him, but prison is really the only "safe" place for him, because your decisions are limited. He has never made good decisions, and except for going to prison, has never faced many consequences. I know the reason they keep supporting him financially is that they are afraid that he could die while using/selling drugs, and that is a valid fear. The last time he was arrested, they found an AK-47 in his dresser. So he could be killed while living at home, too. You just have to let him hit bottom and hope he has the will to get better. You can't make him do anything that will change him.
 
Thank you for the kind words and advice. I wasn't familiar with alanon before and will look into the ones based in Austin. I realize that it's vital that I keep myself and my parents together. What's really he worst part about this...hearing my mother talk about how she's at wits end and can't take much more. I'm not sure if she could handle it if something happened to him. She stills sees her sweet child and wants that person back.

I really can't see my brother using my parents too much but he has been receiving some small financial help in the past. I don't see him stealing anything either since he has prescriptions for the drugs and beer is cheap enough. I'll keep that in mind though.

I've tried cutting him off in the past, being cold and letting him know that I'm here for him if he decides too get help. It didn't work. I don't know if being there for him unconditionally will help much either, but it's worth a shot so long as I can handle it.

My parents are actually looking into a rehab program right now, but I do not know if that's the right decision for him. I don't know if it's the right move or not. I feel treating depression, what I see as the underlying problem might help, but it's hard to get him in the right place to make progress with that.

Do interventions ever really work? Is that worth a shot? To make him face the problems?
 
I just had a long conversation with my mom. She wants to go with the intervention then rehab or tough love, you're on you're own root. She seems more ready to stand up to him. He continues to make promises that he'll change and that he'll do X, Y, Z...and tries to guilt my parents into helping him financially. If he's faced with selling off things...he has a lot of guns, a diamond engagement ring and a nice new truck he foolishly bought when he had a job...I think that will help him face the reality of things. He's lost a lot before though, so who knows. Whenever the prospect of him losing everything is brought up, he tells my mom that he has nothing to live for and that losing everything will just break him. I convinced her that this is just a way to guilt my parents into supporting this behavior. I think I convinced her to not give him any financial help.

She wants to look into rehab facilities and arrange an intervention with his family and two close friends that have stuck by him and also want to get help. I don't see any harm this? Can you? Does anyone know about rehab facilities in the DFW area?

The fear is that he's confronted with the problem, panic and goes on a binge ending in something terrible happening. I know my parents worry about this too. This is just a fear we have to face, right? Either we take a chance now, hope he'll see things and receive help or just watch him continue to slowly lose his life. The risk involved in the bad intervention reaction will be no more than allowing him to continue to live like this, right?

Any further advice is greatly appreciated. Just ignoring it is not an option to me.
 
horncyclist, i went back and read my earlier post and it sounds almost as if i was telling you to bail on your brother. i didn't mean that. you need to be there for him as i am assuming you are the only other sibling. my point is that you need to be strong for your parents and look out for them as well. while i am absolutely certain this is an unbearable weight for you, you have to suck it up for them as well. they need your help, guidance and support more now than ever. good luck with all of this and your thread is one of the great things about hornfans. we joke around and start stupid threads about stupid things, but for every one of those, there is a thread like yours where we all try to help eachother. and i will say it again . . . your brother will not be able to fix these problems until HE makes the decision to do it for himself. Not for his parents, or his job or his brother or to keep his truck. he must ultimately come to the decision that he wants to get better and anything you can do to make him realize that will hopefully start him down the right road for the right reasons. good luck to all those in your family and be proud of yourself for taking this on.
 
Well, my brother attempted suicide and is back in the psychiatric hospital. It wasn't a cry for attention half baked attempt, it was a serious should have done the job one and he was lucky. I feel even more helpless now. I haven't spoken with him since it happened but I plan to tonight; there are only limited hours where he can receive phone calls. I feel like now that I need to drop everything and go see him, but It'd probably be best to wait until he is released and just let him know I'm here for him. Hopefully this will result in him getting the treatment he needs. He'll be going from the hospital to a drug/alcohol treatment facility.

I don't need much advice this time around, but it helps to share this. I'm seeing a therapist to help me talk through it and am trying my best to lean on my friends, family and girlfriend. I also plan on attending al-anon next week. My parents seem very detached from it all. Our family has been so fractured by his behavior so far...but it reminds me how much pain he is in. I hope and pray this is the start of his road back to life.


Please keep me, my brother and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
 
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So, so sorry. I don't have much to say, but to offer my prayers and sympathy. Maybe this act is somehow a blessing in disguise. (I know that sounds callous) As it is now completely obvious to all, that he is in need of professional help and care, for both his addictions and his emotional well being.

Hang in there. Prayers.
 
Lots of good advice.

smw was correct. Help yourselves. You can't help him until you can help yourselves.

Part of this is preparing for the worst and accepting that the best path forward may unavoidably involve such. You feel helpless because in many ways you are. That is a reasonable and healthy response. Your brother may not make it through as it sounds like he has multiple issues and few, if any, coping skills. You have to make peace with the situation and prepare for the fallout. You can't give up on him, but you need a sort of cordon sanitaire, space between that will keep you all from poisoning each other in whatever manner. No blame, it just is what it is.
 
I talked to him yesterday, and it made me feel a lot better. Part of what triggered the suicidal behavior was they tried to take him off of the benzodiazepines to quickly. Suicidality can be a symptom of benzodiazepine withdrawal. He was honest about his problems, more so than I've ever heard him be, and he seems to have a serious intention to confront them. He's seeing a new psychiatrist this time around who has experience with benzodiazepine dependence and has a method for a slower protracted withdrawal that should be safer. Overall, the conversation gave me a lot of hope.
 
Hope is a good thing. Know that your brother -- and you, and your family -- remain in my prayers. Life isn't easy under the best of circumstances, and with few coping skills, your brother's road is all that tougher.

I pray he will find what he needs with his new shrink and that he can overcome his dragons.
 
Hi. I just wanted to see how your brother was and if he got the help he needed.

I have advice to help you if not.
 
i had to ask this a few years back. i was driving to the mizzou game in 05 when my dad called and told me i wouldn't see my brother for awhile. HE FINALLY got put in jail and eventually served three years. i only went to see him once.

he got out on my birthday last year (january). went right back to his old ways. a few months ago i vowed to never see him again after he left my five year old nephew by himself for hours to go get his fix. doing something to parents, siblings friends is one thing, but to your own son is whole other.

i told him i'd never see him again and to f' off. my parents convinced his girlfriend to kick him out. he got arrested a few nights later syphoning gas out of uhaul truck. stayed in county for about a month. i get a weekly text every saturday that he's been clean and counting the weeks. i'll reply "keep it up" but i leave it at that.

i'm just not ready to forgive and trust him. i'm beyond tough love.

my little brother and sister consider me the oldest brother now. it was nice having one while it lasted.

i hope your story turns out better than mine. i was really just waiting for my dad to call me and tell me he died. i was ready to be relieved. he really f'd with my parents both financially and emotionally. i can't forgive him for that right now.
 
I hadn't mentioned this before:

I got a call 4 weeks ago last night from my dad, at 9 PM. When he called at that hour something was up for sure.

it's my older brother. He's 54, and he's been a drunk/pothead for as long as I can remember. Never held a job for long, etc. He's a good mechanic, so he always seems to be able to eek out a meager living working on cars here and there.

His two grown sons live with him. He passed out as usual the night before. The next morning he didn't wake up. When they went to check on him he was having convulsions. They called the paramedics who took him to the hospital. Acute alcohol poisoning. He just moved out of ICU after over 3 weeks...and still hasn't spoken or shown that he's got any awareness. He's likely ruined his kidneys and will require dialysis the rest of his life.

The hospital is preparing to transfer him to a convalescent hospital, and his recovery, if you can call it that, could be several months. Nobody really knows how to define "recovery" in this case. He's being fed through a tube.

It's a ******* disaster. And he put himself there.
 
Get your addicted sibling, relative, or friend to a new environment where drugs and alcohol are not available. I got an "alcoholic" friend of mine to work in Morroco for six months as a volunteer with the International Red Cross - Muslim country, no booze or drugs around. Dried him out, and so far no relapse after eight years.
 
Sober Living.

Call me. I'd love to work with him...but he has to want it. With all due respect, drying him up and not treating his root/core issues may last for a while, but eventually....his issues will return. Best of luck.
 
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