Help with a pregnant unwed mother

S

SAChick

500+ Posts
Ok my brother was stupid and got his girlfriend pregnant. He is totally prepared to be responsible for the baby but the girlfriend has become an issue. Basically my brother is being abused by this chick. She has mental issues, might be bi-polar or something. She gets angry and/or violent for really non-issues. The latest incident started after my brother forgot to order her hamburger with no mayo. She took this as a sign that he didn't love her. The argument escalated and she hit him (black eye), bit him several times on his back, and when he locked her our of their apt. she broke the window. Cops were called, witness statements were taken, pictures of brother's injuries were taken, and she was taken to jail on assault charges. This was not the first time she had been violent. Just the final straw. By brother misses her but realizes he needs to move on. Problem is she has no where to go. Her mother, grandmother, and two sister refuse to take her in. She has caused problems everywhere she goes. She is currently still in jail. The only person who is even considering bailing her out is my brother. He feels this huge responsibility for not only the baby but her as well. He sympathizes with her childhood and wants to help her but he is finally realizing he can't. My brother isn't safe with her. He can't deny that it could get to the point where she would pick up a knife in one of her rages. The baby complicates this a whole lot more and he would be willing to take custody of the baby if he needed too. This is all so foreign to my family. We grew up in a family where we never yelled or cursed at each other. We were never violent with each other or anyone else.

Does anyone know of a place she can go? A place that would help unwed mothers? We want to find her a place where she can get help, medical care and take parenting classes?
 
I have to think that any church of any sort of decent size would have programs like this available.

Catholic charities etc. Is this in San Antonio?
 
It's in Austin. We'll try the catholic diocese. This has all been so frustrating, This poor baby, I just hope this girl gets help or lets my brother have the baby.
 
I know both the churches I've been to in the last five years (mega church protestant and Catholic in Downtown H-town) have programs for pregnant unwed mothers to help, neo-natal, hold hands etc.

It's criminal for an organization, in my opinion, to be pro-life and not be willing to help out in this situation.
 
i doubt the mother will let your brother have the baby. the baby is going to be the epicenter of her universe given that she has no one else to rely upon. that is the tough truth. and this is even without bring child alimony incentives into the matter.

if he wants the baby, he'll have to fight for the baby in court. if there are other similar violent outbursts (esp. ones documented by the police), i am sure a lawyer can make a good case.
 
Try this:

Catholic Diocese of Austin Respect for Life
Print
1141.61 Miles
[Edit Listing] 512-236-0144
26th
Austin TX 78705

or This:

AUSTIN, TEXAS AREA:

Gabriel Project - To receive help call:
1-877-WE CARE 2
Austin Area #: (512) 238-1246
Gabriel Project Austin Coordinator: Amy Chestnut
(512) 990-9234
Pro-Life Help Line Coordinator: Donna Bayer
(512) 310-2251
Website:The Link

___________

as starting points. Good luck. Also- might want to talk to a family law lawyer if she is going to have the kid and if he wants to raise it, as I would guess, from what you've said, would be the best option for the baby, if not adoption.

Good luck and my prayers are with yall that the best thing for the child happens and your brother can get out of an abusive relationship and have respect for himself and his baby to be.
 
I would start documenting the situation with events, dates, etc. and pictures to build a case for custody. That child desrves better than her.
 
If the mother has violent mental health issues, then by all means he should get custody of his child.

It will be totally worth the $25,000 attorney fees to go to court, as that will undoubtedly prevent a truckload of grief in the future.

Document (photos, recordings) EVERYTHING she does that is violent or abusive.
 
If your brother wants to get his ducks in a row for custody, he could call Legal Aid if he's around the poverty line (he sounds young, so he may be). They do a phone intake.

If he has some money, he can request help from the father's legal resource group (I forget the exact name of the org, but a little research should turn it up). They do low cost legal rep for dads and would probably give him a free consultation to tell him what he needs to do.

As far as getting the mom-to-be some help, you might try LifeWorks. They offer low cost/free therapy and I think operate a woman's shelter. SafePlace is another option for her. If you place her with a social worker, she will, hopefully be out of your brother's hair..
 
There seem to be two issues here: the mental health of the mother, and the health and safety of the baby. As much as I sympathize with mental illness, the safety of the baby has to be paramount. I would do everything possible to get the mother into psychiatric care of some kind, if she is not being treated already. Check her into a state hospital if you have to. It may help resolve some (though certainly not all) of her issues. Your brother may have to go to court to force the issue, unfortunately.

As others here have suggested, a local church can help out with caring for the spiritual and physical needs of the mother.

Sadly, jail may actually be the best place for the mother right now, under the circumstances. She is constantly being fed and supervised there. That said, I hope you are all able to work out a better solution.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.
 
My brother wouldn't even think about the shmashmorshin clinic or adoption. He is young, 22. She is seeing the judge this afternoon. They called my brother wanting to know if he felt safe if they let her out. He said yes, but wanted her ordered into anger management. He did tell them how she looses control easily. Who knows what the judge will do. My brother will call me when he finds out. I'm trying to stress to my brother that taking her back will not solve her issues, that she needs help beyond what he can do for her. I'm trying to tell him just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't be abused the way a man abuses a woman. He agrees with me but just says it's hard. I hope I can convince him to think with his head and not his heart. It just sucks that this girls mother won't take any responsibility for her. He might be willing to let her come back but only because he can't let her be on the streets. And I agree, the structure of jail might be what she needs. I'll get him to start documenting things. Can I call APD and get police reports or does he have to do it?
 
He'd probably have to call for the police reports (files themselves) but the proceedings should be public records, especially if they prosecute a case against her. Not exactly sure when it becomes public records, but I remember from the horns going through the legal system that anyone can get access if the court proceedings are not closed (and I don't see any reason why they should be).

I think I remember from working with the prosecutor's office tha ~35% of domestic violence is female on male. That's what's reported, with the stigma of a guy not wanting to admit he got beat up by a girl the number might actually be higher. He's certainly not alone or unique in being the victim of violence by being male.
 
I'm glad to see that you and your family are getting involved and doing something. The way I see it, the priorities are the child's health, your brother's health, and the woman's health in that order.

Absolutely do everything you can to keep the woman away from your brother in the short term and set up a winning custody case in the long term. Good luck and there is a lot of good advice on this thread.
 
The state is going to be very reluctant to take a baby from its mother. CPS leaves the child with the mother at almost all costs. Even if CPs takes the child away, it will be temporary, and as soon as the bipolar mother starts acting normally, she will get the child back.
This will most likely be a sad situation for a long, long time.
 
I have nothing to add other than that all concerned in this very sad situation will remain in my prayers.
 
The baby was stupid act #2. The first mistake he made was having a girlfriend thats psychotic and abusive. Why was he in a relationship with this nut???
 
Unfortunately, I'm familiar with his type of behavior. Google "Borderline Personality Disorder", and I'm betting you'll see a spot-on profile of this young woman. Sadly, there's not much that can be done, other than getting the hell out of the situation.
 
crazy.gif
- I always forgot to live by the motto, don't post after too many beers.
 
2002_Horn and accuratehorn are having different arguments.

one of you is talking about CPS removal suits and the other is talking about private custody suits by dad.
 
That is true-I only know about a case where the CPS was involved with parents who were both bi-polar, and the family tried to gain custody of the child.
 
If this woman is crazy now, who knows what she might do to that child before he/she is born?

Is there any way the state can monitor her pre-birth behavior, then lock her up later? I know that is more court-type stress on your brother, but if he is prepared and willing to care for the baby, then maybe there's a shot.

Someone else suggested adoption. What about an open adoption -- only "open" to your brother and not the psycho ex? The adopting family should deserve to know the mental problems of the mother.

The fact that her own family will not take her in speaks volumes. It also sounds like your family, though foreign to the concept, would be supportive of your brother and their future grandchild/niece/nephew, etc. Unfortunately, that might require some police protection.

I know I'm not a big proponent of the government getting involved in personal issues, but this sounds pretty bad.
 
Even if the brother is the greatest guy on earth, a child deserves a mom and dad. Putting the child up for adoption is the best idea here.

Bottom-line, the brother is simply the sperm donor. The gf the egg donor. The true mom and dad will be the people who raise this child in a secure, living home with the appropriate attention to the child. It is going to be infinitely more difficult for a single male or single female to do this, no matter how much they want to do it.
 
The judge didn't let her out. Don't know exactly why. My brother isn't exactly the best at explaining these things. I think I prefer that she stays in jail. She is being taken care of and she is not with my brother. He still wants to be with her.
confused.gif
He's never gone through a break up so this is hard on him. The longer she stays in jail the longer he has on his own to think about things. Step one is to get him to realize he can't be with her anymore. Step two is what is going to happen to the baby when it's born.

I think adoption should be an option. But it's something even I struggle with. I feel like my mother, sister or I should take the baby in since it's my brother's blood (we assume). Financially it would be hard on me because we already have two and chose to only have two since we knew any more would be a strain for us. Having a third baby (have a seven month old now) would mean a bigger house, car and two daycare payments. Can we do it, sure. People with much less than us do it all the time. But I've also seen the other side of adoption. How hard parents struggle to have kids and wait so long to adopt. I've seen my co-worker adopt recently and they were so happy and love that baby so much. It is such a wonderful gift they received and they thank god everyday for the blessing. They will give their adopted baby a great loving home with two parents.

All this just sucks. How can my brother be so stupid?
frown.gif
 
judge probably didn't let her out on a personal bond but that doesn't mean she cannot get out on a different type of bond.
 
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