Help me with a family conundrum

[MidTexHorn]

Situation: My wife and I are taking our two young adult children to Playa del Carmen this summer for a week long vacation in the sun, lots of beer drinking, general relaxation, etc. We would enjoy it if some of our extended family joined us, and we think some of them might want to.

The Problem: We don't really like all of our family and if some of them were to come along, it would come close to ruining the trip. Is there a solution that would allow us to invite some but not all and still maintain some modicum of civility with those who don't get the invite? Also, some clearly can't afford to take this type of trip and we can't afford to pay for them. If we send out a general invite to the family, we're worried that we might come across as insensitive to these folks, but at the same time we're worried that we'll be asses if we don't invite them presuming they can't afford it. What to do?

 

[KC-97HORN]

from my experience with extended family relations, you are ******.

Someone, somewhere is going to get offended that they either werent invited, or once invited, discover that you really didnt want them to come along.

Nevermind that you have the extra task of making damn sure that the ones who come along understand they are ******* paying their own way.

You would be amazed at the number of times someone gets that invite and thinks you are paying their way. Even if you put it in bold highlighter, they may still assume that "everyone else" has to pay their own way, but that you are going to cover their expenses because they cant afford it.

No B.S. we had a situation like that happen in our family. It was not resolved amicably for 10 years.

 

[RyanUTAustin]

Only invite the people you want to come that you think will be fun. If the rest of your family gets upset then that is their issue.

Just make sure the people you don't like dont come along, that will be a disaster and you don't want your trip ruined!

 

[BattleshipTexas]

We went on a cruise. Only told one set of relatives and they came too. We board the ship and there are the "party poopers" relatives already on board. They thought they would suprise us and come along. To make it worse, since they booked like the day before it sailed, they got the cruise for half price and mentioned that every day of the trip 15 times. Not a single meal did they not mention that they were eating more in food than their trip cost. Grrrrrr.

 

[TX-EX_98]

From experience, don't invite any of the extended family. If you only choose some, they will either tell the others, or worse, invite the others. Also, if you invite all, then you have the conundrum that at least one will assume that you are paying their way.

No way around it, don't invite anyone. Tell folks about your trip with your children, and if they say they want to jump in, tell them where you'll be. (Notice I mentioned if THEY say they want to jump in).

Again, DO NOT INVITE ANYONE ELSE. ONLY IMMEDIATE FAMILY. Anything else is a disaster.

 

[MidTexHorn]

Good points everyone. We actually are in year 2 of this little dilemma. Last year we went to Chicago and invited my wife's family and one of my brothers who is close buddies with my wife's brothers (everyone lives in Austin and both sets of families know each other but don't socialize together except on rare joint family events with the exception of my one brother who hangs out regularly with my wife's brothers). The trip went pretty well, and we'd like to do it again, but feel bad just inviting the same folks.

It's a frustrating situation because my sons like to hang out with their uncles so we'd like to invite our siblings (with one exception) and we get along fine with my wife's parents but not mine. If we don't invite anyone, we feel kinda like we're giving ourselves a little less fun than we would like, but if we invite everyone it has disaster written all over it. My hunch is that in that event the ones we don't want to come would be the ones who accepted the invite.

I'm leaning towards the "don't invite anyone" suggestions. Not too worried about the freeloaders, as I would make it extremely explicit that we aren't treating. That might add another tricky element though, as we make substantially more than most of my family, which can add some tension and more possibilities of hurt feelings over money issues. We are always sensitive to the possibility that our relative financial situations may be a source of problems within the family.

 

[DoobieWah]

Everyone is waaaay overthinking this.

Invite the ones you want to come. If the ones you don't like get offended and never speak to you again, then...

 

[accuratehorn]

Easy solution: invite them all, and have them all book reservations well in advance. Make sure they know they will be paying their own share of all costs.
Then change the resort you are going to visit, and don't tell anyone. Explain the booking error afterwards.

 

[RC Didnt Offer]

Very simple solution - go on the trip by yourselves.

 

[zosostein]

no surprise, but DoobieWah throws out the best point yet.

I say invite none of them, but DW's argument is worth considering

 

[MidTexHorn]

Thanks to all for the advice. I'll show this thread to my wife, at which time she'll ask me WTF am I doing asking a bunch of anonymous internet posters for family relationship advice and want to know what other idiotic things I spend my time doing on the internet. This can only end badly.

 

[RyanUTAustin]

Na, Just show her the threads of people asking about chidren going to college, circumsizing boys, and getting over a divorce

 

[UTinBigD]

The only way to TRY and satisfy everyone would be to send out a generic email to all parties with the time you are going and maybe a link to place you are staying. Tack on a maybe some of yall can meet us out there.

Then go back and call all the chosen relatives with more info and encourage them to book it.

you still could end up with folks you hate going out there, but at least once out there you could tell them f-off and leave you alone for a while and plan their own activities.

So there really is no perfect solution until Evite or Hallmark come out with a card that says you are invited but not wanted; at all. So STFU about not being invited and stay your *** at home.

 

[Summerof79]

Simplw as several have said- Invite who you want to come.

now this doesn't mean that somebody won't crash the party, but the way i usually handle this situation is a book the room and then LATER invite who I want to after the other larger units are already booked! Sneaky yes but it works. Though my issues are mainly withe friends that just are not a good fit for the situation for our maximum enjoyment.

The bottom line is you simply enjoy some folks more than others, and if some familily is invited and some is not somebody always gets offended to some degree. But that's not your problem, you do what you want to and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[general35]

It depends..are you staying at a resort or renting a house? If you are staying at a hotel, invite everyone. invite the ones you want to go first, allow them to book the trip, then invite the others a little later when the costs go up. it may discourage some from going.

if you are renting a house and want to invite some others, just invite the fun people to stay at your house, the room is limited anyway.

some people may have their feelings hurt, but unless you are really close and have a past of traveling together, it is their problem.

families are a blessing and a curse at times. frankly, i think you should only travel with your immediate family and if want others to come, invite friends, not family.

 

[The Muzzler]

I agree with some of the other posters.....stop over-thinking this! You invite exactly who you want to invite, and don't concern yourself with the others. Do you really care if you happen to PO the others?

 

[Macanudo]

What Doobie, Summer and Muzzler said.

 

[Praise of Folly]

Well, RC already said what I was going to say -- just go by yourselves. You don't need all of the 'extended family' along. Just go on vacation and have a good time.

 

[Luke Duke]

If you don't like them, why do you care if you piss them off? This reminds me of the scene in The Bronx Tail where the kid lends $20 to a guy that he doesn't like. They guy never pays him back and avoids him. The kid gets pissed and an older guy that he looks up to tells him that he should consider himself lucky. It only cost him $20 to get rid of the guy forever.