Having trouble moving on

T

Texasboy1012

< 25 Posts
I have read hornfans for a couple of years now and not only is it great for football talk, but some pretty good advice is given from fellow horns. I am struggling in getting over my ex and was hoping for some advice. We were high school sweethearts and have done the whole long distance relationship thing since she is a couple of years younger than I. We had had some trust issues in the past, but we put all of that behind us and were moving forward. This summer we both studied abroad, and it felt like we grew apart. During this time apart I really was beginning to wonder what it would be like to be single again and since I am at UT I didn't want to be making a huge mistake by going through my time here without "playing the field." I figured we'd always be together, but occasionally I thought to myself what if we do break up once I have already graduated and that I totally blew a great opportunity. We talked about it when we both got home and decided that it would be best to break up (mutually) and maybe that would make us realize how much we really do love each other or if it just wasn't meant to be. Well it has been about 5-6 months since we broke up and she has already moved on and I realized that I'm still completely in love with her. I thought it was a great idea at the time, but now I am really regretting it. I do talk to girls here and there, but I haven't met anyone that I feel is on the same level as her. Not just physically but mentally as well as the bond we shared. Now I'm just stuck here feeling like a fool while she is happy with some other guy. Don't get me wrong I want her to be happy and we are still on good terms and talk occasionally, but me not being the one that makes her happy just tears me apart. How do I move on/ get over her? I'm sorry it's soo long, it's just I haven't really talked to anybody about this, and I guess that everyone thinks I'm doing fine... Thanks for your help and support.
 
Did you start to have trouble moving on before she started dating someone else? If not, you might be feeling this way b/c she is no longer available (we want what we can't have).
But then again, what do I know? I've never been in a long-term relationship.
Time heals all. You will be fine.
 
Why do people go off to college while keeping a long distance relationships from back home? It'a a mystery to me.

This will sound harsh but you will both be totally different people at 22 than you were at 18. Considering that, it's probably good that you split up. You were destined to grow apart. You're in a new phase of your life now. Don't dwell on the old one.

You'll be fine....
 
It is truly amazing how much people can grow apart in such a short period of time.

The exact same thing happened to me and I am still dealing with it.
 
Everyone has been through something similar and it eventually works out for the better. You will find someone else that is as, if not more, exctiing than her. Like most everyone has mentioned, it will just take time.
 
Keep yourself busy with things that are fun to you and time will heal everything. Let the gym kick your ***. That's what helped me when I went through some of the hardest times in my life. Before I knew it, I had found something that I really loved to do and my self-confidence began to increase. You gotta find that something that is gonna make you happy that can fill the void. I know its hard, and I have certainly been guilty of it, but you need to discover all of the things in life, other than girls, that make you happy. good luck.
 
man, I feel for you. I know you hear it a lot, but most people have been through the same thing at least once...and it really sucks.

The truth is that you weren't right for one another. You broke up mutually and there were reasons for it. Companionship is a wonderful thing, and you miss it. Right now, the lack of it is clouding your ability to recall that your relationship just wasn't as great as it should be in the right relationship. It's normal to do exactly what you're doing.

Sometimes I wish we could buy bottled time, and fast forward 6 months in life. The great news is that you will fall in love with someone new one of these days, and pretty much nothing beats that.

In the meantime, get out there. Meet as many people as you can, and be nice to every person you meet; even if it's a girl you're not into, she has friends. Do the things you envisioned doing when you were thinking about breaking up so you can remember college with no regrets. Wish your ex well and do whatever you can to keep her out of your mind. You aren't expected to like it, but her situation really is none of your business anymore. And since she's seeing someone, you don't have to see her out hooking up with a new guy every week.

If you have a friend or friend who is sensitive enough to appreciate what you're going through, talk to him or them about it. They can keep you active.
 
For some reason this reminds me of the movie, "Swingers". Eventually, one day, you'll just be fine. Don't know when the day is, but one day it will happen. Someone else will come into your life, usually unexpected, and you'll be fine.
 
You will never forget her, but you may eventually realize it all worked out for the best. Get involved with something you like, whether it's sports, exercise, a hobby, self-improvement, educational classes, and don't pressure yourself to find anyone. One day when you aren't looking for anyone, you will find someone, and she may not have all the qualities of your ex, but she will have some qualities you ex did not possess.
I had a very similar history with a high school ex, and we still talk once in a while, and this is after 40 years. I always wonder what might have been, but I guess we were too young at the time, then went off to different colleges. We're still friends.
Had we stayed together, she never would have met the filthy rich old geezer she's married to, and I never would have met my wonderful wife, a great person who somehow puts up with me.
 
I echo the "time heals all wounds" mantra.

I was more or less in the same shoes as you not so long ago. Went off to UT, not nessissarily exclusively "dating" my old GF, but more or less doing just that. I unfortuantly spent most of my freshman year still hung up on this while it became increasingly apparent she had moved on. Finally, somewhere in my sophmore year, I figured out that this sucked and it was time to move on. I don't know what specifically triggered it, but the light just sort of went off. The rest of my college woman experiance was great. Got to date a number of different ladies and found out what I really appriciated and enjoyed in a companion. I met the future Ms. Iceberg during my (first) senior year and we got married after dating for a couple years. I wouldn't change it for anything.

The last thing I will leave you with is that there are things that didn't seem like they matter then that will become a lot more clear as time moves on. Being in love tends to cover up some of the bad things about relationships. After I moved on, I realized there were a number of thigns about my old GF that sucked and, in all likelyhood, would have lead to bigger problems down the road. You couldn't have convinced me of this when I was in the relationship, but that didn't mean they weren't there. You'll see what I mean soon enough.

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Pray and give it time. This is a great chance to find our what you really want out of life and in a future relationship. I suggest you do some writing. What is a sane and sound ideal relationship to you?

Enjoy the free fall.



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Women.

They can make your heart race and your stomach turn at the same time. The important thing to realize in this situation is that no matter what you hear from friends here on this board or friends that you're around everyday, you can't really make a decision to 'get over it' until you're ready to.

I like what the above poster said when he 'just snapped' one day, and realized that he had to move on. That's how it is going to happen for you, and it's not something that can be done over night. Sure you can use the methods some have talked about on here, i.e. gym, going out, working on your car, reading, listening to music, joining a service organization, volunteering, really anything you want to do, but no matter how much you try to get it off of your mind, it just won't happen until your mind is ready for it to.

It sucks, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, that's just how it works. As a guy who has gone through his share of this situation, I wish you good luck my Longhorn brother.
 
I echo that you need to get involved with something. Working out helped me out. It sounds crazy but running an insane amount of miles and cycling for hours on end can be very therapeutic.

You need to get out of this mentality that the best times were then and with her. Where ever you are that is the place to be and the best time is now. I can say that the best times of my life weren’t when I was in a relationship, Texas was undefeated on its way to a National Title, and I was about to graduate. Those times were great and I appreciate them very much and look back with fond memories but man, sad **** also happened during that time as well such as my Paw-Paw dying from lung cancer the day before the Kansas game. The best time for me is right now…but again, I am going through sad ****. My dog died 2 weeks ago and I hate my job…but being in good shape gearing up for a triathlon, playing with my 5-month-old nephew, enjoying my family and friends trumps anything. My point is, it is one thing to be sad but it is another to be depressed and you sound depressed. You have the ability to make yourself feel better. Do it! The month of January is going to end and February will come and go, will you have anything to show for it? Accomplish something in that time period.

Someone is not going to make you feel better. When we get out there and date again or meet people, you’re really not jazzed because of some chick you met (okay, a little) but you’re mostly happy that you’ve retained the ability to be vulnerable and okay with it. That is confidence.

Seeking out help (even on HF) says you want to get better. Now go and make yourself better. For me, a new job isn’t going to find me; I need to find it and I will. Now my dog, I miss him very much and I still cry every now-and-then but I will survive with time. You have two choices; stay in this state and dwell on it or go and be great.
 
Breaking up is hard enough. Breaking up with someone and having them move on while you're still wallowing is THE WORST.

Unfortunately, there's not much at all you can do about it. You just have to fight through it. Keep reminding yourself that there were GOOD REASONS why you broke up. Even if you can can't remember what they were. SOMETHING wasn't working. People don't just break up for no good reason.

I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I do believe that life experiences like this, although painful, help you become a wiser and stronger person later in life.

Tough times never last. Tough people do.

Bernard
 
You have to accept that she was not your "one." When thoughts of her return, smile to yourself at the predictability of missing the last relationship you really liked while between others. It is human nature, but it most certainly does not mean that you screwed up and were supposed to be with her-- it means you are supposed to be with someone, someone you can't envision yet because you don't know who she is. Instead of longing for future Mrs Texasboy, your brain switches over and longs for Ms Formerly Dated Texasboy.

Date lots of women. Enjoy the thrill of first dates and learning about new hotties. Those women that have goals and beliefs compatible with yours are worth dating longer. But you would be well advised not to go on date #15 with someone who, for example, is unwilling to live in your city of choice, has different ideas about kids, insists on a different faith from one to which you are devout, etc. Looks are great (and what first attracted me to Mrs kgp), but common goals and beliefs are what build a union.

Seventeen years and countless girls/women passed by between my first painful breakup and my wedding. You will continue to grow, to learn more about yourself, to learn more about what will make Mrs Texasboy so special, and to heal. Don't worry, and don't be in a hurry.
 
while you're sitting around feeling like a fool, there are women looking for men. Be a man.

I've been there - it sucks for a while, even when you move on, you'll still be thinking about her from time to time. It happens.

You can either:
1. Move on, or
2. Go back to her and tell her how you feel and hope she feels the same.

Personally, I say move on. You're pretty young, apparently. The odds are that the two of you were not going to be together forever. Go meet other people. It'll work out one way or the other. In the mean time, enjoy.
 
You need to quit dismissing girls because you don't have the same connection with them that you did with her. To think you're going to connect with someone after spending a little bit of time with them on the same level that you connected with someone you dated for years just isn't reasonable. Those types of mental and emotional connections take time to flesh out.
 
Correct, TD. Focussness on new tail.

Texasboy, put a flag on your car letting everyone know that you are available, on the prowl, and with extreme focussness.

Chicks will dig it.
 
Thanks guys for all of the advice and support. Just keeping myself busy like going for a jog, focusing on school, going out, etc. have really helped me get my mind off of things. I know that I am still going to struggle, but that's just part of it. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this, and won't be the last. At least there is hope. I'm not on any time table and I'm NOT looking to settle down. I'm going to enjoy my last year or so here at UT and hopefully have the time of my life.

I heard this song the yesterday that was so true. It goes something like this

"Looking back it was a blessing she broke my heart in two
But if I had never lost her, I'd have never found you.....

She said time would heal my broken heart
and I'd find a true companion for my soul
You know she was right, we were wrong..."

So true. Hopefully I'll be able to think about this when I am with Mrs. Texasboy, haha.

Well anyway, thanks again everyone.
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First of all you tried to do the honorable thing and break it off before you started ******* around. And I feel for you!!!

however here is the real deal- you expected her to pine for you for a period of time and assumed that you would move on quicker than she did. You also figured you could "win her back" if you wanted to. You forgot she is the woman. This is crucial, because guys the truth of the matter is that an attractive woman can go out and get laid any day she wants to. You cannot say the same for men.

If you sit around feeling sorry for yourself you will indeed be "the fool." If you REALLY want to win her back you can't do it without a hot girl on your arm. I woudl suggest moving on though even though you are still dying inside. MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot say this enough!!!!!!!!! The secret to having "girl friend" is that while of course you want to **** evey girl that you are friends with, you need to take advantage of their friendship in meeting other girls. I went out with the model gal in College and were were mostly plutonic. However ,it was amazing how many numbers of other gals I got when I was out with her. I had several friends that were girls in college, and the friend of the friend" is where you will likely find your next girlfriend.

Sorry that you feel you made a big mistake, I did the same thing in high school to a great gal because I wanted to continue playing the field. She loved me and I loved her, but the idea of long term commitment in high school seemed silly to me and I wanted variety. I hurt her badly and seh eventually recovered about the time I really started to realize what a great chick she was and the variety wasn't as exciting as I had hoped after a while. So I did "feel your pain."

I think what folks don't realize in this momment is that there are MANY "the ones" out there. Not a single "the one..."
 
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