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Wulaw Horn

1,000+ Posts
Just finalized my divorce this past week, after being separated for about 8 or 9 months.

Just an incredibly sad time all the way around. I made my mistakes and she made her mistakes and thank god we didn't have any kids to suffer through this as well.

Since we have been separated for 9 or so months it's no immediate difference, but it is sad. Got an email from her telling me to have a nice life (I have the same sentiment toward her now) and it made me bawl.

For those who have been through this how bad is it/ how long does it last.

We were married for close to 5 years and together for 8.5 or so counting dating and engagement time.

I feel like such a failure right now and don't know what to do.

I've signed up with a dating service (online) and not sure about that. I'm scared to death to get back into the dating scene (I'm 30 btw) but I feel like I need to do it. It's not like this marriage ended 3 days ago, that was just the final nail. I haven't been on a date in 8 or 9 years except with the wife, and that was at school so it's a completely different animal.

Sorry for the ramble, just kinda stream of conciousness stuff here. Any advice from those who've been through it before?

I think my wife and I should have never gotten married. The bad thing was that we both knew it and although it would have been painful to end it before hand it would have been a whole lot less painful then it was now. She said as much after our engagement encounter and I didn't have enough courage to call it off, even though I knew it was right.

B/c of that we spent years antagonizing each other and causing pain. To the point where I hated her truly even though she is/was a wonderful person (a crappy wife- at least for me- but that's another story).

Hell, I'm basically on the vergeg of tears just typing this as these thoughts are going through my mind.

Also, how much (and when) should I mention about her in dating. I don't want to talk about her but it seems like there's no way it doesn't come up, and seems only fair to the other person that I disclose this prior marriage, but how, when and how much is appropriate?
 
Don't mention her at all. The questions will come when you get closer to whomever you are dating. I also suggest that if you ever get close to marriage again you go for some premarital counseling. The Catholic Church had that as a prerequisite and I was ******* amazied at how little some of the couples knew about each other.

I hope you can find happiness. Right now to you to learn to be happy with yourself. I suggest a shitload of exercise and trying to find some sort of vehicle where you can help others.... kids, old people, handicapped, etc. Never hurts to get laid, but that's more a short term validation of your manhood. GO do some stuff you never would have done with her, skydive, get scuba certified, train for a triathlon?

Hope things work out for you, in that you can find personal happiness.
 
This may not be a popular answer right now but to me the last thing you need right now is to date. Rediscover yourself and what you are all about 8 years later. You have changed and you have been bittered by this. No way you could not have in some way or another. You have baggage now. Sort through it and store it in the overhead bin, not in the closet. Don't take it with you.

Do things for you. Do things you enjoy and be selfish for a little while. Deal with your emotions and sadness. Analyze what you did wrong and what you could do different in the future.

It is not fair to the next person you date if this is not all behind you. There is no timetable either. Create a healthy habit like riding a bike, hiking or something like tennis. Something to get your body feeling good and to get outdoors.

Join a charity like Habitat for Humanity or something you feel strong about. In this process you may meet somebody accidentally who is into that as well. Cooking lessons at Central Market or Whole Foods, that type of stuff.

Then, if you want to, hit up a dating site. But in that time frame you will have been to BBQ's, fundraisers and other things where you may meet somebody and not have to do the random dating site thing.

But do not go out dating yet. You are not emotionally or mentally in a good place for it and for perfectly good reason. Best of luck to you and sorry you are going through this.
 
I agree with 100p 100%. After my divorce (12 yrs), I made "best friends" with myself. Do lot's of things you enjoy, find new things that you didn't know you enjoy, go eat at a nice places by yourself, etc. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It's hard to explain, but it's the key to life. Do not date now, just learn to have fun by yourself and believe me, good things will happen... kinda like the guy who's always smiling in those commercials, minus whatever pills he's taking.

hookem.gif
 
True to the above. Once you know who you are and are comfortable with that, then it's easier to find somebody who fits. Until that time, you're just scatter-shooting, and in terms of finding and building a new relationship, that's a dangerous course to take.
 
Sorry to hear about your divorce.

I would suggest that you enter into another relationship at a pace you feel comfortable, but don't spend all your time in clubs. Meet new people and go to new places. Make yourself available but don't be desperate. Also, stay fit and eat healthy - you'll feel better about yourself.
But you do need to move on. You will be devastated if you find out she is dating while you are at home constantly thinking about her. I found this out the hard way with an ex-girlfriend years ago. I was feeling sorry for myself and she was traveling with another guy. I made the mistake of not wanting to forget about her but its natural for memories to fade. Don't force yourself to hold on more than what is natural.

Good luck.
 
What you're feeling is grief, and even though your marriage has been over for a long time, you are still grieving for your loss. And as 100p said above, there is no timetable.

I agree that dating is not the best step at this point. You need to spend time with yourself, finding out what it is that you want -- and don't want -- in a mate. The only way to do that is to spend some serious alone time so you can discover who you are now, at this point in your life.

And you'll know when the time is right to start dating again. The worst decisions are the ones made hastily.
 
The feeling lasts for a few months to a few years. Get one of those stages you go through in divorce books at Half Price Books. Grief is one of the stages, as you have similar feelings to when someone close to you dies.
Going out with a group of friends would be far superior right now, do that. Get a dog, walk it every day, or take up something good for you, like jogging, cycling, or swimming.
Then when you no longer are looking for someone, someone will come along and find you interesting, and you can try again.
 
I had kids so that makes it harder all the way around. But there is so much tail to be had out there just move on and have fun. Don't look for your next wife just look to have fun. You can now play golf whenever you want, have control over your money, go anywhere at anytime, not go to the places you don't want to and sit around the house in your boxers. I regret my divorce for the effect it has had on my children even though it wasn't my idea. But I also regret ever being married for all the limitations it puts upon life.
 
Man, I have no idea- I've been with the same person since I was 21, and I'm 35.

But strictly based on observation, I agree with loop. I'm sorry about your divorce. You seem like a good guy and that sucks.
 
Maybe the guy wants to date casually for fun. It doesn't mean that he has to settle down immediately after the 1st date.
 
Wulaw, sorry to hear about your pain. However, you are you are young and will find someone soon. It seems like the right person comes along when you are not trying, and when you are trying, it never seems to work out.
 
The best advice I can give is to not slip into bitterness, anger, or self pity. Sure, you'll have those times and that's normal but to be in that phase long term hurts you and only you. You'll be surprised how other people will move on with their lives. If you don't, everything will pass you by.

My wife's parents divorced 25 years ago and her mother is still angry and bitter about it. That's gotten her nowhere. Every single other person has moved on.

If you do this then at some point you'll realize your divorce was the better option for all involved for one reason or another.

The best option to do all this is to forgiver her for whatever she did and forgive yourself for whatever you did.

The past is the past. Don't carry it around.
 
The point I was making about the divorce being so recent but the separation being 9 months or so ago is that I have been apart from her (though not legally) and have done some of that stuff.

I didn't work for 100 days or so (I sold my business right around the time I separated). Then I worked at the family restaurant for a couple months for free to help out, washing dishes, taking my mind off stuff.

Got to do the whole football thing again. Took a job teaching school (I've been doing that for about a month and really like it).

So I'm doing/have done a lot of those things. I don't think I'll be bitter. I really was for about 6 months, but the last 3 months that went away. Still sad.
Realize now some of the mistakes I made that I couldn't realize while bitter and angry toward the ex.

I don't know that I'd take this into the next relationshihp with me. I'm sure some things, but you take all your experiences into every relationship- I don't know how I couldn't.

I have no idea if I have game. I've never really tried to have game as I've been with her/married for 8 years.

I never really liked the dating scene the first time, was more interested in going to every UT football game, camping out for basketball tickets under the stadium, traveling, making my own career plans etc. Didn't really want a woman to get in the way of any of that, so made not many attempts to date.

I don't believe in sex outside of the marriage for spiritual reasons so not really interested in indiscriminately nailing all the trim that might come my way. See the dating scene as an easy filter.

Also- I don't really know how you meet people otherwise. Like I said- I teach school and my intereaction is limited to my team, a department head and 125 15 year olds. None of that situation works.

My church is fairly small without a big singles group there. I'm really not a bar kinda guy (I love going to a sports bar to watch the NCAA tournament or Sunday ticket or something, but scoping out chicks there or a dance club seems horrible to me).

I think the biking/swiming idea sounds good, like a way to burn off stress or clear the mind or something like that, with sadness. I don't see bitterness in my life anymore, I saw it before but hope to have worked through it.
 
It may hurt if you happen to learn of her dating but let it go. This is not a tit for tat thing any longer. No oneupsmanship. It is about you, not her or anything she does. You.

You get yourself healthy mentally and emotionally. Don't worry about her. She is not your problem or responsibility any longer.

I don't think anybody assumes you will fall back into a relationship right away if you date. But you are not yourself nor the version of yourself you want to be, that is healthy. You are somewhat numb, you are hurting and you may possibly be vulnerable. To what? Who knows.

I know that once, coming off of a very big breakup due to distance and difficulty in communicating (she was in Europe and I was in the States before internet was around). She thought I wrote her off, I thought she wrote me off. I was devastated not knowing why such a great relationship ended with no warning, no trouble or conclusion (for the ladies...CLOSURE).

I was not in a good place to date. But I did anyways. I met this ridiculously hot gal who was a room mate of a guy I bartended with. She cooked for me, she cleaned for me, made fantastic chicken wings, incredible and dirty in bed. Perfect, right? We married a few months into it.

Whoa. Very VERY unlike me. Every friend said this respectfully.

Turns out she was full blown mental. She began to not take her meds that I did not even know she took. Got or renewed an addiction to cocaine. Got physically violent and easily agitated. Turns out she had buried a knife in the leg of a guy she dated before.

Under normal circumstance I would have sniffed this out ahead of time and only had casual intense sex with this person, never letting them get too close nor be in my place alone (nor access to my key or any rabbits and pots). No way in hell would I have married much less committed to a relationship with this Psycho Estrobot.

But I did. I was not prepared for the perils yet but I dove in, literally.

This is you time. If you need or have to have sex, shoot, get an escort or something. Be inner strong. Be you.
 
I appreciate the thoughts. My last post was not in any sense an attempt to argue or go back on that, just a bit of clarification.

And the sex thing does worry me. It's a big reason for my marriage and a big reason for my divorce, and I don't want to be untrue to my beliefs but I don't like not getting any either.

It's a lubrication for a relationship. That has upsides and downsides. Can keep you around when maybe you shouldn't be, but also smooths off the rough edges which is a good thing.
 
You submitted your post as I was typing mine, sorry. Had I seen it, it would read differently.

Write down a list of things that you really enjoy doing and do them. How cool would it be to meet a woman who loves the same things.

I suggested cooking lessons for a couple of reasons. They get you out of the house and out of your normal routine. They teach you something. (how cool would it be to be able to make sushi or something like that?)

There are also chances to meet somebody there.

Wine tastings but be careful there for sure! As long as they don't wear Patchouli you may meet somebody building a house for a low income family with Habitat.

Become part of a cycling group with the Austin Cycling Club. They have all rider levels and organized events for all levels. Meet yo'self a fit girl or one on her way.

I don't subscribe to your thoughts on sex/marriage but let me say that I very highly respect them and think it is awesome. I could not do it but I do respect the thought of it and that you follow it. Very impressive. Some woman somewhere who you have not yet met is going to get one hell of a guy from what you have put on this thread. I hope she does not cut you off in traffic one day and you flare your horn at her!

hookem.gif
 
No advice. But I wish you the best of luck. Remember you have lots of support (even from people like me, whom you have never met).
 
Sorry. You will get through fine. You are still a young man.

I agree with l00p - determine what you are all about, who you are now.
 
Since you're not optomistic about the prospects at bars, clubs, or work, nor at your current church, have you considered visiting a different church, where there are more people your age/demographic? I'm happily married, but my sense from visiting Austin Stone and Gateway is that they are overflowing with singles who are probably just looking for the right person like you are.

You might also check out meetup.com
 
Don't do what I did. I got married again within six months of the divorce that terminated a 10-year marriage. Didn't mean to - but The Right Woman came along. I met her through (not at) work. Oh, that was 30 years ago this month and we're heading for 31. I'm the exception.
 
Really sorry to hear this - I'll pray for you, man.

Maybe take a trip somewhere... just go on a good hike, see a new country... maybe that will help.
 
Do stuff that you and your ex never would have done together. If she didn't like to travel, do that. If she didn't like to hike, do that. No golf? Take that up.
 
I've been where you are. It sucks. But in my experience, the brokenness you are feeling may seem like the end but it is actually an opportunity. It is in this kind of sadness and grief that your defenses come down and you can really learn things about yourself. Take advantage of this moment as strange as that might sound.

Prayers for you.
 
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