Christian and Non-believer dating

L

Longhorndanc

25+ Posts
Hope this is the right forum...

Can a Christian have a long term and serious relationship with someone without faith? I guess I shouldn't say "can" because I'm sure it is possible (unless you want to take the stance that no, cannot and should never be done)... but are the obstacles too great in the long run?

Anyone have any experience with this? Is this something that can be done with two open minded, well communicating people or are the potential problems with values going to break the couple apart no matter how well meaning. Could you date someone of faith/non-faith assuming you are the opposite? And finally, what advice would you give to someone pursuing this relationship (regardless if you believe it is doomed)? What could be done to make it successful?

Thanks for the replies.
 
Good topic, although, I would like to see a radical Muslim date a non-believer. That would be interesting...

I wouldn't do it, although I would be willing to date into one of those random Christian sects (baptist, lutherans, and the like. I'm catholic btw). If I were to date a non-believer, I would think most of the conflict would arise from the whole not having fun before marriage, what to do with the kids, and complications from the family on both sides.

Does anybody here date okies? I'm sure they could tell you what it's like to date a non-believer.
 
I feel sure it can be done, but each of you has to be willing to forgive the other person for being incredibly, obstinately stupid.
 
I once banged an orthodox jewish chick and then made her eat a ham sandwich. It was hot.

Speaking of:

How odd
for God
to choose
the Jews

Not odd
for God
the goyim
annoy him
 
puddy_elaine.jpg
 
My wife is a born-again believer. I do not waste time on idle superstition. We've been married over 7 years, and remain quite strong in our marriage. But we are old, and this is not our first marriage (for either of us).

My wife's previous husband was also born-again, and they went to church together regularly. They went to evangelical churches. These churches kept eventually splitting off for various reasons. Sometimes the pastor would have sex with other women in the church, sometimes they would break over abstruse religious dogma, once a pastor asked my wife to have sex with him, and so forth. She was quite active in various churches through the years, especially while her children were quite young, running the day-care, Sunday School, Girl Scouts, etc. She remained faithful, but simply got burnt out through the years due to the repeated hypocrisy of various "important" church personages. Plus, if you get divorced, you might as well put the church into the divorce decree because one spouse or the other "gets" the church in the breakup.

Thus, when I married her, my wife was no longer keen on church attendance anymore. That helps our marriage because I have no desire to go involve myself in group delusion, although the social aspects of church would probably be okay. Back in the day, for example, I always liked going to Jewish synagogues with my college girlfriend as my Jewish friends never bothered me about "god." But I don't go to Christian churches anymore because I will inevitably be asked about the skydaddy, being saved, heaven, hell, and all that malarky, and, if they persist in "saving" me, then I would only upset people by demolishing their premises. So if you want to actually attend church, and your partner doesn't, take that into consideration.

You may be quite young, wanting to raise your children in a "church atmosphere." I never had a problem with my girls going to church with their mother (a former wife of mine), but yes, I did inculcate a certain skepticism in my girls, instructing them to question all authority, and at all times utilize their powers of reason. If you are going to get angry if a future spouse talks frankly with the kids about unseen beings, from leprechauns to Jesus, take that into consideration. While I suspect my daughters are (happily) atheists, you may be gratified to know that they nevertheless regularly attend a noncontroversial Episcopalian church. Thank god they do not participate in the more virulent (and quite dangerous) strains of Christianity.

For younger, never previously married couples, I suspect religious/non-religious pairings would be more difficult (although religion was never the cause of any divorces of my wife or myself). If you're the type that sits around obsessively fantasizing about the rapture, then you probably are not ready to kindle a relationship with an atheist. As you grow older and learn the ways of the world, including the ways of those who profess righteousness and proudly thump their chests in church, while secretly breaking every moral precept commonly associated with modern civilization, I suspect a person's tolerance level increases.

My wife and I have an unwritten rule: She doesn't preach to me and I don't bash the silliness of belief in beings for which there is no evidence. Maybe two or three times in our marriage she has let out that she will "miss" me in heaven, but I just laugh and assure her that if there is a heaven -- which there isn't -- but if there is one then I will be there along with everyone else. We just don't get drawn into arguments over religious dogma. And it doesn't hurt that I'm a swell guy, either.

But you're right: communication is a big key. Communication. Respect. Tolerance. My wife? She's highly educated. Really intelligent. Leader type. Physically beautiful. One helluva cook. And she is a master of the bedroom. Expert. It's really not too hard for me to overlook a bit of irrationality over matters of religion. I mean, yea. I got lucky. Finally.

I suggest that if you find someone with great qualities that you really like -- love -- you should go slow before you reject someone simply over differences in belief in divine ghosts. Life in this world passes much too quickly and you must incorporate as much wonder and exuberance into your time on earth as you possibly can. So-called religious people get divorced all the time, I can assure you. Make a mistake in partners and then one day you find ten years have gone behind you.

All in all, my wife and I are very happy together, 4 out of 5 of our shared children are quite happy (we have lost the oldest to the cravings of cocaine). My wife has told me on several occasions that she wished she had met me when we were younger, so our love remains quite real.

In short, at this particular point in the evolution of the universe, life is just one big bowl of cherries. Except we lost to Oklahoma last weekend. That loss did cause a slight tear in the fabric of space and time. Except for the vagaries of the gods of football, life is just one big bowl of cherries.

Hope this helps some. Best of luck in your wanderings through life and love.
 
First, that was a quality post, Xover, but I would say that religious differences can be a big problem for the couple and/or the families involved. It just depends on how accepting all concerned are for the differences.
One side of my family is Jewish, and some Jewish people are very disappointed if their offspring marry a person of different faith (not just orthodox jews). It is cultural and religious. Most just want their children to be happy with whomever they wed, but you can see that if the in-laws don't approve of the spouse that would be a problem. I think it is more of an issue with older generations, but I'm sure some still feel this is of real importance.
If your spouse is proseltyzing you all the time and saying you won't go to heaven unless you buy into her version of the unseen world, that would be a bigger problem.
It's all in how the two spouses and their families accept the other side's views. Some would argue over minor differences, some would be accepting of large differences.
I don't think you can make any kind of blanket statement. This should be carefully discussed prior to marriage, especially if children are planned. It's an issue. Talk about it.
 
Having absolutely no expertise on the matter, since this is the Internet I'll still offer an opinion:

It's basically in line with XOVER.
- If you're over thirty and won't have kids, you've got a chance.
- If there will be kids forget it - there is either a conflict or an abdication of parental responsibility.
- If you're young, forget it - you don't really understand what you're getting into (not that you really will when you're older but it will be ignorance instead of extreme ignorance).
 
Compatible belief system at some basic level is an absolute qualification for me, on the premise that if we did not share that, we would approach the universe with fundamentally different biases. I don't tolerate people who give their own biases a privileged position, and that includes both militant atheists and theists. I wouldn't have a problem with an open minded agnostic or a liberal christian, but holier-than-thou types grate against me in such a way that deliberately avoiding relationships with them is generally a non-issue.
 
Why would they attend church though - is it strictly for social/community reasons, moral instruction, or something else? I don't understand the appetite for church services if the underlying principles have already been rejected.

You say you don't understand yet you give some of the very reasons why it would be done. Maybe you don't really understand. Sacred choral music would be another reason.

You also seem to fail to grasp the differences in theological intensity and fervor among the various Protestant sects. I would bet that a fair percentage of Sunday church goers don't accept all the tenets their church has to offer, up to and including the supposed divinity and salvific powers of Jesus.

I think it's quite easy to understand why some would attend church services even if they have "rejected the underlying principles".
 
I couldn't do it. Before I got married, I dated a lot of chicks. Some believers and some not. It always lead to differences in the way the relationship should be handled. Discussions about money, kids, work ethic, moral dillemmas, etc...
Until I was on the same page theologically, relationally and agreed on the same doctrines as my future wife, it was disappointing and frustrating. With my wife it has been very easy from the get go.
If you have one set of principles and your partner has another, how would they ever mesh? Even outside of being believers.
 
This is a real issue, and one a couple should discuss. There are other matters just as important, or more so, though. Like a Texan marrying a non-Texan. Just isn't done. Nothing but trouble lies ahead.
 
Coalacanth. The thread is about dating (marrying), not the relative merits of the faith or lack thereof except to the extent that the debate over their merits could cause dating problems.
 
I have a good buddy who is Jewish and he married an Athiest chick. They've been married for 4+ years now and are happy as can be. But then again they're more career focused as one is a resident Dr. and the other a lawyer...so take that for what's worth.

But to answer your question I think yes it can be done. I think you'll just have to set aside your differences in a belief while respecting each other at the same time.
 
In one relationship I had with a Christian just as things started to get more serious, she broke it off saying that she could never marry a man who couldn't be with her in heaven.

On the other hand I have been told that my good deeds could land me in heaven anyway, which would certainly be hell.
 
This isnt a matter of what you believe or dont believe, just a matter of how rigid one is about those beliefs.

RayDogs experience just proved that out.
 
A true holly rolling bible thumper and I could never be together. She would be constantly trying to save me, yell at me for drinking, and be bitter about me not going to her weekly indoctrination center. I would, in turn, resent her for all of the above and I imagine quite a bit more.
 
Thank you all who have replied in this thread. I've been away so didn't have time to read any responses until yesterday, but this thread has done exactly what I was hoping for.

XOVER, especially, thanks for your post. That was really insightful.
 
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