Are you a helicopter dad/mom?

zork

zork

2,500+ Posts
Are you a helicopter dad/mom? What is going to far and what is not far enough in child oversight by parents at the toddler stage, pre-elementary, elementary etc?

What are your rules too?
 
craig-james1.jpg
 
pick a slice of life and comment. no borders except that it pertains to parent interaction or supervision with kids.

I'm finding that I have to tell myself, fighting my instincts that seem to be very helicopter-ish perhaps, to give the 2.5 year old some space as he is running around, but not too much space too.
 
So the other day my wife and I were hanging out with the 5 month old on a sheet on the carpet in front of the couch and the 29 month old was playing around in the house all over.

Next thing we know we hear the glass front door open and our 29 month old was was running outside.

My wife nearly had a heart attack as she leapt to go after him. I could see him from my seated position. He had run outside, taken about 7-8 steps down the sidewalk and he just froze.

My wife was running towards the door and I told her to wait a second (to let her lurk out of site but near the door).

He stood there for a few moments, about 15 seconds taking it all in. He realized, I'm guessing, that while he had escaped that also he had escaped the realm of protection too.

A few more seconds passed and he turned around and headed back to the house at which point my wife greeted him at the door welcoming him back into the house.

It was a pretty cool moment.

I've worked with him since he could walk about not running into the street even though he is still not perfect with it.

It's hard to know if I was taking too much risk or not. There seems to be a million such situations that present themselves to teach both the kids and ourselves about being sure to close the big door so he can't get to the easy opening glass door.

What are your stories to help us somewhat newbie parents?
 
I think what you describe is perfectly appropriate. You positioned yourself to intervene and protect your kid from an immediate threat should he have made a move for the street while still letting him experience the world a bit and make his own decision as to how to proceed. That is what I call a "happy medium". Parenting is a continual series of such choices. Keep up the good work.
 
Poviding supervision, protection and guidance for your offspring is called parenting - your kids need this oversight. You are not a helicopter parent just because you're protective or considerate of your childs status. Kids, especially little ones need structure. They crave it in fact. If you let them run wild now or give them too much space, I think it hurts them in the long run.

If I don't keep a steady eye on my toddlers, they will destroy everything and undoubtedly harm themselves. It isn't hovering or "helicoptering" unless they are at the age in their lives when independance and self reliance are paramount to their development. It's not Ok to micro manage your college age kids. 2.5 year old though, hover away I say.
 
My kids are 5 and 7, and here is the best advice I ever got- let them fail early when the actual consequences are not that big.

I'm not talking about safety things, if a kid is near a road you better stick close by and watch them. But if a kid brings home a first grade assignment and half asses it or doesn't do it until the last minute, let them get a crappy grade. A C in first grade is not going to ruin any college chances and they get the idea you are not going to bail them out.

These kids of helicoptor parents are going to be in for a rude surprise when they go to their first a real job and Mommy is not helping them.
 
parkerco,
reminds me of a story. Had a friend whose son was a recent UT grad and was working at some type of consulting/business firm. I forget who exactly, but in the realm of business, a grown up real job deal. Anyway, his boss reams the kid out for being consistently late. Seems that the 'kid', a young to mid 20s college grad just can't seem to drag his *** out of bed in a timely fashion. So his boss tells him so as a boss should. Kid's mom calls the boss to ream him out for speaking to her son like that...

That is my favourite helicopter parent story. If I were that boss, I would have just told the kid that his actions plus that of his mom just cost him his job.
 
I see this a lot at practices for kids sports...When I was growing up I don't remember parents hanging around to watch practices. Now they all stay and watch and yell at the kids. I watched one mom walk out onto a football field during practice to yell at her son. I doubt many coaches feel they can get in a kids face and motivate them when their parents are near by.
 
I'm not a parent and I won't pretend that I know how to be one. But I'll say this: had my mother not been a helicopter parent, I would've enjoyed ~13 years of my life much, much more.
 
Thanks for giving me that info. I agree that people in your family can be a negative influence on you. It seems natural to reduce time with people in your family who might be taking more than they are giving in whatever form but emotionally especially it seems to me.
 
I helicopter around water and let them take their licks on the field. Watch a ton around the street and let them go crazy in the playground. When they get hurt I ask them if they think it was a good idea to be doing whatever they were doing, they usually say no and dont do it again. Sometimes we just have accidents and I tell them, hey it was a accident just be more careful next time.
 
I've seen this quite a bit in my time working for UT. I'm talking about parents who handle everything for their children.

Worst thing is trying to tell a helicopter parent they do not have access to certain pieces of information by law. "But I'm his mother!"

I've seen parents who write thank you cards for scholarships, call for work schedule, and try to interact with a professor like they are the student.

My wife is a helicopter parent. She'll assume a mistake is to be made as if she can predict the future. FAct is, she is not always right and we discuss this ad nauseum but it is in her blood as her father is very much controlling, which is exactly what a helicopter parent is today. They just get a fancy new name.
 
My wife definitely shows signs of this. We've talked about how we don't want to be those people, so it's a struggle at times. Our daughter is not quite 2 and already wants to go out on the patio and grill with Dad. I figure that I'm right there and standing between her and the fire, so it's fine by me. She already walks next to us to and from the car without hand-holding and she knows to watch for cars coming and not run into the street, so until she gives me reason to be more controlling, I don't see why I should.
 
I wouldn't say my folks are helicopter parents. A better example is that they would let us fail then hark on us for that. Eventually, we found our boundaries, but with very little guidelines and support from the folks. As result, I think we ended up being very independent or rather too independent. If I ever have kids, I would fear becoming my parents.
 
For your young kids my advice is pick 3-4 traits that you NEVER compromise on. Mine are 1) Whining (which encompasses pouting and wanting everything they want 2) Lying 3) Selfishness.

When they are older, the late great John Wooden had a fantastic quote- "the worst thing you can do for your kids are the things they can and should do for themselves".
 
Love and Logic

Great parenting course. I would highly recommend it. It's basically about letting your child learn from small mistakes now rather than big ones later. Allowing them to make their own decisions, decisions you have predetermined and can live with. "Do you want to brush your teeth for 2 minutes or 3 minutes?"
 
In the end, it is about balance. You have to do what you are comfortable with. Aside from the abusive extremes, there is no one right way to raise your kids. I tell my kids how much they mean to me all the time, I am hard and loving. Kids are very smart. They may not always like the lessons you teach, but if you have the balance of love and appreciation (praising for the correct choices as much or more as the negative), the message will get through.

Tha's my take. I tend to be more relaxed and let my kids figure out their own way, only intervening when necessary (safety and such). My wife hovers more, does everything for them. We clash sometimes, but that is life. We usually talk about our reasoning and everything is fine.

You just gotta figure out what is best for you and your family. Sometimes, your child's personality will tell you how you need to proceed.
 
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