ProdigalHorn
10,000+ Posts
(Please turn on satire meter now.)
OK so it occurs to me that we have a problem in this country. We have two parties essentially at war over the socio-economic foundation of this country. And like all wars, this can be traced to one primary driver - one impulse that constantly leads men and women into battle with the uncontrolable impulse to subdue, to conquer and to reign supreme.
I am talking, of course, about sex.
The fact of the matter is that sex is ubiquitous. It is either a God-given gift or a biological imperiative, depending on your philosophical leanings. The problem is not so much in its existence, but in its implementation (or sometimes, its lack of implementation). Regardless, we can all agree that sex is a right. I ought to be able to have it whenever I want, however I want, with whomever I want. And if someone has an issue with it, they can turn off the camera and leave the room.
But the problems persist, and they are as follows:
1. Availability. Unfortunately in the real world, having the RIGHT to something does not mean that I can simply HAVE it. Let's face it, unless something very drastic changes in the next several hours, it ain't happenin' in this house and many of you may be in the same boat. There are various reasons - I don't know anyone who would be a suitable partner, and therefore will abstain; I know a suitable partner, but I do not have enough attractiveness/youth/money/self-worth/hair/style/*insert social shortcoming here* to access this person; I am married and therefore celibate; no real woman could compare to "talcdrt32mee3654" that I met the other day on Yahoo, so why go out; the list goes on. But regardless, having sex is a right, and it is unacceptable that another person should have any control over my access to it.
2. Abuse. No, not THAT kind of abuse. Mannn get your minds out of the gutter. I am talking about the fact that as rights are given, they are often misused, overused, distorted and taken advantage of in the name of "because I can!" Sex is in fact a right, but many are not emotionally (and in some cases physically) able to properly employ their gift. We see people with wayyy too many kids because they either refuse to take responsibility for limiting their own family, refuse to subject themselves to the "family values" of one man, one woman, 2.5 kids, or let's face it, they're willing to risk a lifetime of misery inflicted on them by another ungrateful child in the name of that really hot looking girl/guy at the end of the bar who probably didn't bring protection, either! And let's not forget the kids - we have kids taking stripper classes in middle school PE now! They might as well put in mood lighting and pipe in the Barry White down at the public school, considering what movies and TV have told me goes on there today. And the teachers do nothing about it, assuming they're not one of the people actually involved in said goings-on. Something like half our kids now have at least one STD, and with the newfound respect fo unborn life we see among young kids, we have a seriously growing problem with teenage moms and dads.
So we have the inalienable right to have sex coupled with a populace that has shown absolutely no clue as to how to manage that right effectively or responsibly. I say, it's time for the government to step in. Here's what we do:
The Federal Bureau of Sexual Acts Management and Enablement. (Ok fine... it's a brothel. But this sounds better.)
If you want to have sex, great. But you'll need to register with the federal government. In doing so, you will be given your license to have sex, and you are therefore free to go at it like bunnies. OK, I know what you're thinking here - "this is an infringement of my rights!" But hear me out: this will be SO much better than it is now. You are going to love it once you've been in the system for 5-10 years or so.
The beauty of this, is that if you are registered, you can then set with the government whatever parameters you want - male, female, height, weight, hair color, type of car driven, whatever. Now having said that, you'll have to understand that if another registered party takes an interest, you really would be out of line to deny that person their right to have sex however they want, so we would have to do a manual override on your preferences. But hey, that works both ways, so for the ladies, Brad Pitt is now officially in play.
Of course, you would also be required to use appropriate preventative measures - but think of what this means? All those randy teenagers running around making other randy teenagers would finally be under control! Sign them up in junior high phys-ed and get them involved! I guarantee you, the pregnancy problem and STD problem will be OVER.
Now for those of you who are married... well that's going to be an issue if both of you aren't willing to step up to the plate. We can't have people having sex without government supervision, especially since that could create more kids, more potential drug addicts, welfare cheats and... God forbid... bankers. So if you're not willing to share your spouse, or if your spouse is unwilling to be shared or share you, you're probably just going to have to subscribe to Cinemax and/or learn to enjoy the cold setting in the shower. But with all great innovations, some will have to put aside their own desires, goals and consciences in the name of the public good.
Think of it - the only people you would ever have sex with again would be licensed, screened and trained beforehand. No more panicked moments when you realize the condom wrapper was empty after all. No more wondering if that "95 percent effective" thing has a margin for error. No more concerns about the strings attached to "ordering the lobster" on that third date. And as all know, nothing increases proficiency and skill like a mandated government training film.
Our welfare rolls would shrink over time. Our population would fall into acceptable limits. Teens would stop spending all their time worrying about whether they'd ever have sex. No one would ever be punished with an unwanted pregnancy again. Valentine's Day would be effectively destroyed as a point of leverage to buy stuff. Creepy loners in their parents' basements would no longer be confined to the internet.
And the best part is... it's alllll free!
OK so it occurs to me that we have a problem in this country. We have two parties essentially at war over the socio-economic foundation of this country. And like all wars, this can be traced to one primary driver - one impulse that constantly leads men and women into battle with the uncontrolable impulse to subdue, to conquer and to reign supreme.
I am talking, of course, about sex.
The fact of the matter is that sex is ubiquitous. It is either a God-given gift or a biological imperiative, depending on your philosophical leanings. The problem is not so much in its existence, but in its implementation (or sometimes, its lack of implementation). Regardless, we can all agree that sex is a right. I ought to be able to have it whenever I want, however I want, with whomever I want. And if someone has an issue with it, they can turn off the camera and leave the room.
But the problems persist, and they are as follows:
1. Availability. Unfortunately in the real world, having the RIGHT to something does not mean that I can simply HAVE it. Let's face it, unless something very drastic changes in the next several hours, it ain't happenin' in this house and many of you may be in the same boat. There are various reasons - I don't know anyone who would be a suitable partner, and therefore will abstain; I know a suitable partner, but I do not have enough attractiveness/youth/money/self-worth/hair/style/*insert social shortcoming here* to access this person; I am married and therefore celibate; no real woman could compare to "talcdrt32mee3654" that I met the other day on Yahoo, so why go out; the list goes on. But regardless, having sex is a right, and it is unacceptable that another person should have any control over my access to it.
2. Abuse. No, not THAT kind of abuse. Mannn get your minds out of the gutter. I am talking about the fact that as rights are given, they are often misused, overused, distorted and taken advantage of in the name of "because I can!" Sex is in fact a right, but many are not emotionally (and in some cases physically) able to properly employ their gift. We see people with wayyy too many kids because they either refuse to take responsibility for limiting their own family, refuse to subject themselves to the "family values" of one man, one woman, 2.5 kids, or let's face it, they're willing to risk a lifetime of misery inflicted on them by another ungrateful child in the name of that really hot looking girl/guy at the end of the bar who probably didn't bring protection, either! And let's not forget the kids - we have kids taking stripper classes in middle school PE now! They might as well put in mood lighting and pipe in the Barry White down at the public school, considering what movies and TV have told me goes on there today. And the teachers do nothing about it, assuming they're not one of the people actually involved in said goings-on. Something like half our kids now have at least one STD, and with the newfound respect fo unborn life we see among young kids, we have a seriously growing problem with teenage moms and dads.
So we have the inalienable right to have sex coupled with a populace that has shown absolutely no clue as to how to manage that right effectively or responsibly. I say, it's time for the government to step in. Here's what we do:
The Federal Bureau of Sexual Acts Management and Enablement. (Ok fine... it's a brothel. But this sounds better.)
If you want to have sex, great. But you'll need to register with the federal government. In doing so, you will be given your license to have sex, and you are therefore free to go at it like bunnies. OK, I know what you're thinking here - "this is an infringement of my rights!" But hear me out: this will be SO much better than it is now. You are going to love it once you've been in the system for 5-10 years or so.
The beauty of this, is that if you are registered, you can then set with the government whatever parameters you want - male, female, height, weight, hair color, type of car driven, whatever. Now having said that, you'll have to understand that if another registered party takes an interest, you really would be out of line to deny that person their right to have sex however they want, so we would have to do a manual override on your preferences. But hey, that works both ways, so for the ladies, Brad Pitt is now officially in play.
Of course, you would also be required to use appropriate preventative measures - but think of what this means? All those randy teenagers running around making other randy teenagers would finally be under control! Sign them up in junior high phys-ed and get them involved! I guarantee you, the pregnancy problem and STD problem will be OVER.
Now for those of you who are married... well that's going to be an issue if both of you aren't willing to step up to the plate. We can't have people having sex without government supervision, especially since that could create more kids, more potential drug addicts, welfare cheats and... God forbid... bankers. So if you're not willing to share your spouse, or if your spouse is unwilling to be shared or share you, you're probably just going to have to subscribe to Cinemax and/or learn to enjoy the cold setting in the shower. But with all great innovations, some will have to put aside their own desires, goals and consciences in the name of the public good.
Think of it - the only people you would ever have sex with again would be licensed, screened and trained beforehand. No more panicked moments when you realize the condom wrapper was empty after all. No more wondering if that "95 percent effective" thing has a margin for error. No more concerns about the strings attached to "ordering the lobster" on that third date. And as all know, nothing increases proficiency and skill like a mandated government training film.
Our welfare rolls would shrink over time. Our population would fall into acceptable limits. Teens would stop spending all their time worrying about whether they'd ever have sex. No one would ever be punished with an unwanted pregnancy again. Valentine's Day would be effectively destroyed as a point of leverage to buy stuff. Creepy loners in their parents' basements would no longer be confined to the internet.
And the best part is... it's alllll free!
